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Anybody got a joke?
- Thread starter Motokid
- Start date
Good one.
RitalinKid
New Member
A young salesman was driving across the desert when he picked up an old Native American man that was walking beside the road. At first, not a lot was said. Then the old man noticed a brown paper bag on the console, and he inquired as to the contents of the bag. The salesman replied, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife," and he smiled.
Eyes intent on the road, the old man nodded slightly and said, "Good trade."
Eyes intent on the road, the old man nodded slightly and said, "Good trade."
Motokid
New Member
This is why lawyers should never ask a witness
a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small Texas town a prosecuting
attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know me? She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven’t the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I’ve known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and
he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom
to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards ask her if she knows
me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small Texas town a prosecuting
attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know me? She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven’t the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I’ve known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and
he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom
to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards ask her if she knows
me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
Motokid
New Member
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The
boy now has
company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover
are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go
outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again ......
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The
boy now has
company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover
are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go
outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again ......
Martin
Active Member
Got a rude one.
*** *** ***
A man is walking along a beach, when he walks past a young woman lying on a blanket, crying. The girl's face and figure are quite attractive, but she has no arms or legs. The man walks over and asks, "Excuse me, miss, why are you crying? Can I help you with something?"
The girl looks up at him and says, "I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been kissed! Would you please kiss me, like a man kisses a woman?"
The man leans over her, and they kiss for several minutes, which she seems to appreciate. She thanks him, and he gets up and starts walking away. But then he hears her behind him, crying even louder than before. Being a nice guy, he goes back and asks, "What's wrong now? You've been kissed. Aren't you happy?"
"Yes, I'm happy that you kissed me," she says, "but I'm twenty-five years old, and no one's ever .. touched .. my special places."
So, once again, he obliges, and helps her out of her bathing suit, and lies down beside her. He plays with her for a while, which both of them enjoy. Then he helps her back into her bathing suit, and heads off again. Only to be brought back by her sobs, which are now louder than ever.
"What now?" he asks. "I've kissed you, I've played with you, I've told you how beautiful you are. Aren't you happy?"
"Yes," she says, "I'm happy for all that, but I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been .. screwed."
So he leans over, lifts her in his arms, walks down to the water's edge, throws her out as far as he can into the waves, and yells "YOU'RE SCREWED NOW!"
*** *** ***
Ahem.
Cheers
*** *** ***
A man is walking along a beach, when he walks past a young woman lying on a blanket, crying. The girl's face and figure are quite attractive, but she has no arms or legs. The man walks over and asks, "Excuse me, miss, why are you crying? Can I help you with something?"
The girl looks up at him and says, "I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been kissed! Would you please kiss me, like a man kisses a woman?"
The man leans over her, and they kiss for several minutes, which she seems to appreciate. She thanks him, and he gets up and starts walking away. But then he hears her behind him, crying even louder than before. Being a nice guy, he goes back and asks, "What's wrong now? You've been kissed. Aren't you happy?"
"Yes, I'm happy that you kissed me," she says, "but I'm twenty-five years old, and no one's ever .. touched .. my special places."
So, once again, he obliges, and helps her out of her bathing suit, and lies down beside her. He plays with her for a while, which both of them enjoy. Then he helps her back into her bathing suit, and heads off again. Only to be brought back by her sobs, which are now louder than ever.
"What now?" he asks. "I've kissed you, I've played with you, I've told you how beautiful you are. Aren't you happy?"
"Yes," she says, "I'm happy for all that, but I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been .. screwed."
So he leans over, lifts her in his arms, walks down to the water's edge, throws her out as far as he can into the waves, and yells "YOU'RE SCREWED NOW!"
*** *** ***
Ahem.
Cheers
Martin
Active Member
And another rude one:
*** *** ***
As God created the world in 6 days, on the seventh day he laid down the ground rules for Adam and Eve. He said the following:"Here I have created the garden of Eden for your enjoyment, but there are two rules you must follow: One, don't eat from the tree of life, and two, don't swim in the lake. If you need to bathe, then you sponge yourselves."
About two week later Adam came running to God and said that Eve was bathing in the lake. God jumped off his throne and ran down to the lake and told Eve to get the hell out of the water. Eve asked God why, and God said "How the hell am I ever gonna get that smell out of the fish?!"
*** *** ***
Cheers
*** *** ***
As God created the world in 6 days, on the seventh day he laid down the ground rules for Adam and Eve. He said the following:"Here I have created the garden of Eden for your enjoyment, but there are two rules you must follow: One, don't eat from the tree of life, and two, don't swim in the lake. If you need to bathe, then you sponge yourselves."
About two week later Adam came running to God and said that Eve was bathing in the lake. God jumped off his throne and ran down to the lake and told Eve to get the hell out of the water. Eve asked God why, and God said "How the hell am I ever gonna get that smell out of the fish?!"
*** *** ***
Cheers
Motokid
New Member
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of
age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened
the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!
The moral of this story is
>
>
>
>
"Always keep your condoms in your car"
girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of
age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened
the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!
The moral of this story is
>
>
>
>
"Always keep your condoms in your car"