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Anybody got a joke?

Motokid

Motokid

New Member
Let's hear some jokes. Make us laugh or at least smile, and I don't want to hear any PC crap. It's a joke. Have a sence of humor. Laugh it up or not, but don't get all puffed up over a joke.

Here's one to start. Hope you like it, and have a good day... :D

“Where did the White Man go wrong?”

An old Indian chief sat in his Hogan on the reservation,
smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. Government
officials sent to interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles” asked one official,
“You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances.
You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events,
in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The chief stared at the government officials for over
a minute then calmly replied:

“When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free.
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night
having sex.”

Then the chief leaned back and smiled…

“Only white man dumb enough to think he could
improve system like that.”
 
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the haircut machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time
the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which
reflected the best haircut
of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, 25 Cents.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both
ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his penis into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member...... now with a button sewed on the end of it.
 
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your headaches the bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a
very rare condition, which causes your testicles to
press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell
of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is
to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he
felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing
store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd ! like
a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's
see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve
and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's
see...9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
! "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.!
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since
I was 18 years old"
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size
34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up
against the base of your spine and give you one
_____of a headache.
 
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice," HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away: "We're down here..."
 
and last one

Diary-Day 1
We just celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell
me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't
noticed.

Day 3
His marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

Day 4
I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac Pills with the Viagra Pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found MANHOOD.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. What am I going to do?

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death here. It's like living with a Black
and Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed. He's a
complete PIG.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a Nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference! Here he comes again!

Day 18
Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss
 
Okay, okay, okay already!

Seriously, what does one call a Mexican truckdriver?

Cheers
 
Two beekeepers are drinking in a pub.
First Beekeeper: ‘So how many bees do you have then?’
Second Beekeeper: ‘About 100,000’
‘And how many hives?’
‘Ten. And what about you, how many bees do you have?’
‘About a million’
‘And how many hives?’
‘One’
‘What? You’ve got a million bees and only one hive?’
‘Yeah, f@#k ‘em, they’re only bees’
 
A young girl and her mother were walking down a street when they passed a house with the curtains open and two people clearly having sex. The young girl says to her mother

"What are they doing mummy?"

Her mother replies

"They're making cakes sweetheart"

That night the young girl goes downstairs to get a glass of water when she opens the living room door and sees her mum and dad having sex. Remembering what her mother had previously said about this particular activity she quite happily went back to bed.

The next day she says to her mum

" I saw you and dad making cakes last night"

Shocked her mother replies

"dont be silly you must have been dreaming"

To which the young girl replies

"but i've just licked the icing off the sofa"
 
Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a trans-Atlantic flight.

Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries,

"Make me feel like a woman one more time!"

Rising to the occasion, the man tears off his shirt and says "Here, iron this."
 
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