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Constructive Criticisim Please...

Fistandantilus

Fistandantilus

New Member
For the last year I have been trying to write a Sci-fi book. im not an authour or anything. When I was working on it earlier I thought that it might be better as fantasy. Here is a small paragraph of the part I have changed.
(it doesnt tell you much about the story or plot, its just a sample of writing)

*fixing it, gonna take a while, thanks for feedback*
 
well if you hadn't said it was fantasy i would have thought it was, because of the characters name, the sword, cloak, stone floor etc. so i guess it does work as fantasy but its difficult to say as your extract is only brief.
 
never mind spelling and grammar in these samples- they were changed from "a sci-fi version" of the story with different places, actions and names so there are probably errors, i will correct it sometime.
 
i read the redemption of althalus a while back, and i really enjoyed it - a definite page turner.
 
yep emerald was a great character, the book would have to be my all time number 2 fave fantasy - beaten only by the Dark Elf trilogy.
 
Fistandantilus said:
"Drayke raised his sword just in time to parry the blow aimed at his head, bit his riposte struck only air, as the man expertly dodged the blow and delivered a vicious lunge attack that was skillfully parried by Drayke’s steel blade, who countered with a mighty two-handed swing intended at the mans head. In one fluid movement the old man raised his weapon in front of his face. Drayke’s sword struck the upraised blade and shattered. He watched in horror as shards of steel shot away in all directions. Instead of striking, the old man leaped back, leveled his weapon, leant forward on one foot and allowed his own weight to carry him foreword into a charging attack.

Drayke had to think quickly. He sidestepped out of the charge, pulled his ivory-hilted knife out of his cloak and buried it into the small of his assailant’s back. The Old man let an inhuman scream of pain and rage and keeled over in mid run, tumbling spectacularly across the stone floor of the cellar."

Constructive criticisim please...
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Fist...,

The first thing I would advise is to read through this and remove every word that ends in -ly.

The second thing I would advise is to go through again and remove all remaining adverbs. Kill the adjectives while you are at it.

Then rewrite. Think "simplify". Words like "quickly", "mighty" or "skillfully" add nothing to the reader's understanding of the story; neither do they paint a very detailed picture. They are an attempt to tell what should be shown.

You also seem to use adverbial prepositional phrases which are tedious and numbing.

Examining your last sentences:

Drayke had to think quickly. He sidestepped out of the charge, pulled his ivory-hilted knife out of his cloak and buried it into the small of his assailant’s back. The Old man let an inhuman scream of pain and rage and keeled over in mid run, tumbling spectacularly across the stone floor of the cellar.

I would rephrase like this:

Without thought, Drayke sidestepped the charge, and buried his knife in the old man's back. The ivory handle glowed there in the torchlight. The scream of pain and rage scorched the damp air as the assailant sprawled on the cellar's stone floor.

(I would not use "buried his knife...", but you did, so I left it)

Just a suggestion. I do think this could be cleaned up and made easier to read. Use your words, and simplify.
 
Fistandantilus said:
never mind spelling and grammar in these samples- they were changed from "a sci-fi version" of the story with different places, actions and names so there are probably errors, i will correct it sometime.
Click to expand...

thanks but i did warn you, i didnt check it
 
Fistandantilus said:
thanks but i did warn you, i didnt check it
Click to expand...

And with that, you have fallen into a category that you should avoid.

If you really want feed back on your work, then post your final product.

We can only critique what you have posted.

It is very easy to read a critique and say "oh, yeah, I'm fixing that" or "I know that needs changed, it's not done yet."

Please don't waste our time by posting an unfinished work, and begging for critique (on other threads even!) if your response is going to be "It isn't finished yet."

come back when it is "finished".
 
Fist, Leckert's advice was really sound. I can't see what other type of criticism anyone can give to a couple of paragraphs.
 
I'm agreeing with leckert. I didn't even bother to finish reading it as I could tell it wasn't a finished article. Also, for future reference, it's criticism - any more and we'll start calling you four-eyes.
 
Stewart said:
I'm agreeing with leckert. I didn't even bother to finish reading it as I could tell it wasn't a finished article. Also, for future reference, it's criticism - any more and we'll start calling you four-eyes.
Click to expand...

In all fairness, Stewart, he wasn't finished with the title yet.
 
clueless said:
I can't see what other type of criticism anyone can give to a couple of paragraphs.
Click to expand...
I agree, although I would love to critique a longer piece; this is a tad short to criticize with full sincerity.

leckert said:
If you really want feed back on your work, then post your final product.
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I will critique this post by leckert with a single word: "feedback"... :cool:

(gettin' my blood-stained shovel ready for some diggin')
 
sirmyk said:
I will critique this post by leckert with a single word: "feedback"... :cool:

(gettin' my blood-stained shovel ready for some diggin')
Click to expand...

leckert check's his Strunk & White. "feedback"

DAMNIT! He exclaims, cursively. He stomps angrily to the withered, faded brown, splintered, crookedly hanging, creaky door and bangs it loudly as he leaves huffily.
 
Fistandantilus said:
thankyou for your feedback. I have removed the samples now,I will replace them sometime.
Click to expand...

Good move.

Please do post some final products. They could be interesting, and I would like to read them!
 
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