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Deadly Cupid - Thriller

Discussion in 'Writers' Room' started by konrad, Oct 30, 2011.

  1. konrad

    konrad kickbox

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    Hell guys! I have decided on writing a book and so far I have written a bit of it but I'm not sure whether it is worth writing more of it. Please visit this link deadlycupid.webs.com and send some some feedback to the e-mail address given in the 'Contact us' section. I WOULD BE SO GRATEFUL FOR ALL HONEST FEEDBACK! THANK YOU A LOT GUYS! I HOPE THAT SOMEONE AT LEAST SENDS ME SOME FEEBACK!
     
  2. Anamnesis

    Anamnesis Active Member

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    You've posted this link several times already. Why don't you share an excerpt from your book instead?
     
  3. konrad

    konrad kickbox

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    I know I posted this link several times but it's just the frustration of trying to get people to read it! Sorry! And thank you for the extract advice!

    ''Just as David got home his mobile rang, it was Elizabeth.
    - Are we still up for tonight? - the innocent voice on the phone asked
    - Of course - David confirmed.
    - See you there at six - the woman said enthusiastically completely unaware that her fate has already been written''
     
  4. Anamnesis

    Anamnesis Active Member

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    I understand your frustration, but posting a link over and over again will probably turn away the members here. It's best to post an excerpt once and leave it at that.
     
  5. konrad

    konrad kickbox

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    What do you think guys?

    -How was last night David? - Helen asked grinning as she saw him coming through the door.
    - It was fine - David replied in a sharp and bitter tone
    - Don't you have anything else to share with me? - She asked once again trying to spice up the conversation but even then she was ignored and was given the cold shoulder. Helen knew there was something wrong with him so she didn't persist on questioning him.
    They both collected their cups of coffee from the vending machine and marched towards the changing rooms with cups of coffee in their hands. On the way down on the corridor not even one word was spoken. As soon as the changing rooms were reached, Helen and David headed their own ways. After a quick change into her uniform, Helen came out and David was already waiting for her outside, looking as smart and immaculate as always.
    David was a handsome man and Helen always loved studying him closely. He was 6''2 inches tall with the most perfect body which seemed almost God like - he always reminded her of those Calvin Klein models that she saw in the magazines. He had black, short hair which was always kept neat and most of the time combed to the side. He also had big hazel eyes which Helen always thought were his best feature and clearly she wasn't the only one to think that since David was quite a ladies man and was always complimented about them by other women. He was also half Italian. According to Helen, David was pure perfection look wise and personality wise, but she'd regret saying that if she knew the full truth about him.

    It was a cold and windy day, something very different from the usual hot, sunny and humid weather that Los Angeles had to offer. They both headed to their police car almost running as the rain begun pouring down, making a bad start of the day even worse. They quickly drove off leaving the events of that morning behind them. Just as they hit to the main road they were requested to a car accident which was quite common in these weather conditions. David picked up the radio and confirmed their attendance. On the way down David decided to finally open up to Helen.
    - I'm sorry - David said with remorse
    - What for? - Helen replied
    - For this morning. I really didn't mean it.
    - It's all good, I shouldn't be so pushy myself.
    - You see Helen, some things are sometimes not what you expect them to be.
    - I'm guessing she just was not the one - Helen said before pulling over to the two vehicles which were smashed into bits.
    It was quite a messy scene: glass, blood and plastic everywhere. Before everyone knew it, the Ambulance turned up from around the corner. Helen and David both knew what to do in this sort of situations so they decided to stop the traffic from both directions until the paramedics took the injured to the hospital. Just as the ambulance pulled away another police unit turned up. They helped Helen and David to deal with the paper work quicker and helped them to divert the traffic. Everything was soon done and over with. At the end of their shift they went into the changing rooms and put on the clothes they started their day off with leaving their uniforms behind. They headed their own ways and waved each other goodbye.

    Just as David got home his mobile rang, it was Elizabeth.
    - Are we still up for tonight? - the innocent voice on the phone asked
    - Of course - David confirmed.
    - See you there at six - the woman said enthusiastically completely unaware that her fate has already been written
    - Bye- said David.
    David hung up and made his dinner. He then had a quick shower and had a quick change of clothes. He put on some dark blue designer jeans and a black polo shirt and finished off his look with a smart jacket. He then put on some black leather shoes and fixed his hair with a bit of hair gel and combed his hair to the side. He then grabbed the care and house keys and locked the door. David loved taking care of his BMW that's why it was in such a good condition - It was his pride and joy. He got into his car and drove off slowly as he knew that what he is about to do that evening will give him a greater satisfaction.

    Elizabeth was a tall blonde with blue eyes and an amazing figure. She was generally shy about meeting new people and she was always taught good manners and she seemed to have an angelic aura about her. David agreed to meet her in a small restaurant nearby his house. Just like other women, he met her on-line. After a short drive, he parked his BMW in the car park and walked into the restaurant which seemed small but cosy. He then found a free table and sat down as he was early and that was one of his good qualities. Always early ,never late. David waited ten minutes and finally Elizabeth came through the door. She was wearing a short, sleek, black dress and had black high heels and a matching handbag. Her golden locks were tied up in a bun. She wore little jewellery and little make up and yet she managed to look so amazing and cute. Elizabeth looked around the room until she spotted David. She then walked over to the table that David was sat on with such gracious class as if she was walking the catwalk. David liked that.
    -Hi, you must be David - she said
    -Yes. You must be Elizabeth - he confirmed
    - Nice to meet you - she said
    David stood up and pulled out a chair for her, being a true gentleman showing off his manners as per usual. He then shouted a waitress over and ordered a bottle of red wine and their meals.

    Throughout the evening David let Elizabeth lead the conversation as she was very keen on talking and he did not object to that at all. She talked about everything that happened in her life and all of her ups and downs. She finally started to talk about her childhood which from her story seemed heavenly. When she finished talking she started to ask questions about David's childhood.
    - So what was your childhood like? - She asked
    - Not that bad - said David changing the topic swiftly
    - So why did you choose that career? - He asked her to stop her from asking any more questions about his childhood.
    David had a very strong memory of what his childhood was like, as as much as he would like to forget about it he just simply couldn't. Both of his parents were abusive towards him and there was not even one time when he would have positive feelings towards them. He came from a poor family in which both of his parents were alcoholics, who often took out their anger on him and his his younger brother James who was often beaten up so hard that he fell unconscious on the floor like a log of wood. Being brought up in the murkiest parts of L.A , meant that David had to be tough to survive and provide support for himself and his brother since nobody would do that for them. From and early age he was taught a tough lesson in life and was often made aware that he was never wanted and that he was a mistake. All those traumatic events have caused David to be socially and emotionally scarred. At school David was often bullied and was lonely, because he was quite and was never ready to let anyone else apart from his brother to bond with him. Even though he had so much suffering in his life he still managed to get good grades which meant that he could progress further on with his education. After David finished school, he applied to the Police Academy and he was accepted. It was his childhood dream to serve justice to those who need it and help people in need, just like when he needed it when he was a child. Being accepted to the Academy meant that he could leave his past behind and have a bright future but with that it meant that he would have to leave his brother behind on his own too. David only invited James to his graduation and shortly after David graduated he got a job at the police station and got a flat and then rescued James. Two years later James got married and got a flat of his own in which he lives with his wife and two twin daughters. David never called his parents ''mother'' or ''father'', he used to call them Stanley and Sharon, in fact they were non-existent to him.

    The evening has flown over for both of them.
    - Cheque please - David shouted over to the waiter
    He paid the bill and left a tip for the waiter and then they have both left the restaurant.
     
  6. Polly Parrot

    Polly Parrot Moderator Staff Member

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    Merged threads. No need to have two on the same book.
     
  7. Peder

    Peder Well-Known Member

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    Konrad,
    Comments sent by Private Message. Should be in your Inbox here on BAR.
    Peder
     
  8. WriterJohnB

    WriterJohnB Member

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    Konrad,

    Honest crit. Like most beginning writers, you're not ready for prime time. But that's true of nearly all of us when we set out to write a book. We learn how to write by writing. Like you, I used way too many words when I began.

    Example: They both collected their cups of coffee from the vending machine and marched towards the changing rooms with cups of coffee in their hands.

    The reader already knows they have coffee, and you're stating the obvious with "in their hands." How else would they carry coffee cups - with their elbows?

    Also, you use several "run-on sentences" with poor punctuation: He also had big hazel eyes, which Helen always thought were his best feature. Clearly she wasn't the only one to think that, since David was quite a ladies man, and was always being complimented about them by other women.

    When you pause while he's in the restaurant with Elizabeth and do an "info-dump" to fill in David's backstory, you take the reader out of the story and bore the bejeezus out of him/her. You do way too much telling, throughout the story. You need to learn how to blend in information.

    Watch out for spelling errors that aren't caught by spell check: care for car, quite for quiet.

    Dialogue is marked by "punctuation marks," not by - dashes -

    Many new writers think their work will be polished by the publisher/editor. Not true. They are not interested in novels that will take a great amount of effort to become good enough to print.

    My suggestion is to find a writer you like, read how he handles character introduction and description and "copy" his style. Do the same for dialogue, etc. This is not plagiarism, and will give you a "feel" for writing. Eventually, you'll develop your own style.

    Your main question was "should I continue writing this book." That's up to you, of course, but you are going to find out how much work it takes to write a first novel. If you enjoy writing, by all means continue. The way I see it, after you've learned how to write one sentence with correct punctuation, all following sentences will be easier to write. After you've written and polished one chapter, all following chapters will be easier. After you've written the first novel, the next will be easier. After a while, it becomes fun--or at least it did for me.

    Hope that helps,

    JohnB

    Oh, and you should get a copy of Strunk and White's Elements of Style.
     
  9. konrad

    konrad kickbox

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    Cheers :)
     
  10. Peder

    Peder Well-Known Member

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    Any updates?
    Season Greetings.
    :flowers:
     
  11. konrad

    konrad kickbox

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    So far I've made the little changes that you have suggested I should improve :) I've also been thinking about what im writing :)
    Thanks!!!
    If you have any more criticism I shall accept it enthusiastically :)
     
  12. Peder

    Peder Well-Known Member

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    Best wishes in the New Year and success with your writing. :flowers:
     
  13. JAJackson

    JAJackson New Member

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    When I wrote my first draft, it was 40K in size and HORRIBLE. I thought it was AWESOME !!!
    Three months later the work became a lot more polished by deleting SWATHES of superfluous detail. Ironically this allowed the story itself to grow.
    Some advice I have read and follow.
    Action scenes should be fast paced, like your accident scene. To make a section read faster use simpler language, shorter words, and short sentences. To make a reader more 'relaxed' lengthen sentence structure. For back story info I use 'flashbacks' which are done a chapter or two before the characters current action. Thus the history is embedded allowing the reader to blast through the fast faced action scene.
    Hope this is helpful
    James
     

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