Excerpt from my new novel

[Robin]

Hello,

My name is Robin and I would like to share an excerpt from my new novel.

**********
Admin Edit: Post removed at the request of the thread starter
**********

 

[TerishD]

Reply

1) Looking for endorsement money, are we? Just remember, all those product names date your story. They also tend to show the writer as lazy. Instead of relying on their own talents to describe a scene, they force the reader to supply their own visuals.

2) 'Jerry hurrieid to the hotel strip' HURRIED

3) 'for the first time in other eight months' OTHER?

4) 'Quickly turning around and seeing her standing before him looking so gorgeous,' Gorgeous is NOT a description. You might know what he is looking at, but I do not. It might not take a thousand words to paint a picture, but you are still a number short.

Now, I wish you luck. I self-published my first book as well (Metier, and others say that I self-publish using PublishAmerica although they don't charge me). You have to get into the business somehow. Keep at it.

 

[StillILearn]

It takes courage to offer up your literary baby for inspection (and I should know.) This version seems to me to be a bit rough and choppy at present, but if you are willing to edit the hell out of that first portion and post it here again, that could prove to be fun and instructive for all of us.

Have you read On Writing, by Stephen King? Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, by Anne Lamott? The Writing Life, by Annie Dillard? Strunk and White?

Which books on writing have been your favorites? Who has been your inspiration when it comes to writing?

Your storyline looks as if it might turn out to be entertaining.

 

[Stewart]

The Aero Mexico aircraft landed in Balcheil at 2:16 p.m., and Jerry wasted no time renting a Volkswagon "Thing," as it was called in America. It was referred to as a "Safari" in Mexico. Requiring more than half an hour to learn the directions to Cancun and another two hours to drive, he arrived at 4:50 p.m.

If he doesn't know his way about I think you need more description of Mexico. It sounds like it may be his first time - it would certainly be my first time there - and details help set the scene. Reading that, Cancun sounds like little more than name dropping. I, as a reader, need to be shown that he is in Mexico for me to trust you, as a writer, that Jerry is in Mexico. Is it hot? Hotter than he's used to? Does he get strange stares, being a foreigner? etc?

Upon entering the Cancun city limits, Jerry hurrieid to the hotel strip, steering the Safari into the circular driveway in front of the spacious Sheration Hotel. Quickly entering the hotel lobby, he approached the registration desk.

What was the hotel like on the outside; what was the hotel like on the inside?

Quickly entering the hotel lobby, he approached the registration desk.

"Would you please ring Room 426 and tell the woman staying there William is waiting for her downstairs?"

"Yes, sir, right away."

I didn't even know there was a receptionist. You didn't say. Is the receptionist male or female? I take it they are not busy since they respond to him immediately? It is obvious that Jerry is hurried so I think a bit of conflict here, even if it's just a "please wait a moment, sir" - "I don't have time to wait" style exchange.

Jerry was leaning on the reservations desk with his back to the elevators. Anxiety had taken control of his emotions while waiting to set eyes on Frances for the first time in other eight months.

How does he remember Frances? Does he anticipate any change in her?

Quickly turning around and seeing her standing before him looking so gorgeous, he was at a loss for words. Clearing his throat he divulged, "Uh...Elizabeth asked me to come bring you home."

Adverbs are bad enough, but you've used the same one twice already: quickly.

"The message said William was here! Is there something wrong?! Is William hurt?"

The first sentence does not need an exclamation mark.

Then it devolved into a conversation where she asked, he appealled, she informed, etc.

It has been a dream of mine to publish a book and I would say to anyone wanting to write and publish a book, do not give up.

I commend you for having the grit to complete something of novel length, but why Authorhouse?