Morgolemtheau
kickbox
j
Last edited:
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First chapter of possible novel...
- Thread starter Morgolemtheau
- Start date
Even after you edited it, I think that you describe things to much, or just in a strange way. Let me take the first sentence from your work to suggest how you could change it.
Before:
On the school bus maneuvering down the uneven roads on a late wintry afternoon, through small patches of farmland striped with suburban environs, sat the boy Trey.
After:
The school bus maneuvered down uneven roads, which were lined with striped farmland, the crops blowing about in the cool wind of that late winter afternoon. Trey was on that bus.
Do you see what I have done? Not only is it nicer to read in that I have shortened the sentence, breaking it into two, but it also makes more sense. I have also left out things that don't need mentioning, since most people would add them in as an afterthought anyway when they read it, such as 'with suburban environs'. This sounds completely different to the rest of the sentence and therefore does not fit.
I think in general you are going a bit OTT with the adjectives..
I hope you do not feel that I am patronising you by changing your work.. I am merely suggesting how it could be edited again.
Before:
On the school bus maneuvering down the uneven roads on a late wintry afternoon, through small patches of farmland striped with suburban environs, sat the boy Trey.
After:
The school bus maneuvered down uneven roads, which were lined with striped farmland, the crops blowing about in the cool wind of that late winter afternoon. Trey was on that bus.
Do you see what I have done? Not only is it nicer to read in that I have shortened the sentence, breaking it into two, but it also makes more sense. I have also left out things that don't need mentioning, since most people would add them in as an afterthought anyway when they read it, such as 'with suburban environs'. This sounds completely different to the rest of the sentence and therefore does not fit.
I think in general you are going a bit OTT with the adjectives..
I hope you do not feel that I am patronising you by changing your work.. I am merely suggesting how it could be edited again.
You say that you think that I am inexperienced. Well, even if I were, I would find you the same. Your way of writing is very.. unstylised. And what is wrong with choppy and unpoetic? Whoever said a story had to be otherwise. Some of the best things I've read have been altogether.. illogical. Do not ever base anything on logic. It is pointless.
As for the term 'Suburban environs', I really cannot understand why you can't see that it doesn't fit in that sentence very well at all. And if you wanted to describe where he lived, why not go into a full description of the place, which would describe how the houses look, and gives more atmosphere to the place. 'Suburban environs' does not only sound strange, but does not put a picture in my head of his home.
I don't know where you come from, but I would like to tell you that where I live, which just happens to be around crop fields, the remaining ungathered crops and the grass does tend to be blown about by something I like to call 'wind'. It gets rather strong in winter, so it has an effect on the things it blows upon.
I would also like to let you think about something before I finish this. Have you never considered the idea that the average reader is fairly well educated, and even if they have never written a story in their life, will know whether the grammer within a book they are reading is correct or not. A person with good language skills instinctively knows when a passage sounds wrong. Think about that before you accuse someone of being inexperienced at writing. We are all amateurs in our own way, even the good ones.
As for the term 'Suburban environs', I really cannot understand why you can't see that it doesn't fit in that sentence very well at all. And if you wanted to describe where he lived, why not go into a full description of the place, which would describe how the houses look, and gives more atmosphere to the place. 'Suburban environs' does not only sound strange, but does not put a picture in my head of his home.
I don't know where you come from, but I would like to tell you that where I live, which just happens to be around crop fields, the remaining ungathered crops and the grass does tend to be blown about by something I like to call 'wind'. It gets rather strong in winter, so it has an effect on the things it blows upon.
I would also like to let you think about something before I finish this. Have you never considered the idea that the average reader is fairly well educated, and even if they have never written a story in their life, will know whether the grammer within a book they are reading is correct or not. A person with good language skills instinctively knows when a passage sounds wrong. Think about that before you accuse someone of being inexperienced at writing. We are all amateurs in our own way, even the good ones.
impalpable
New Member
I kind of agree with fleuretta on this one. Most of this chapter reads as if you just flipped through a thesaurus to find different adjectives to make yourself sound more creative.
I, in fact, hate the way you have rewritten it and prefer the first original version of the passage you gave and would not even consider writing it in the way you just did. That was dull.
Perhaps that is your problem. You are attempting to immitate a style of writing which is difficult it seems, and perhaps you are not fully adapted to it yet. Although I am sure that this author's book is brilliant, perhaps trying to write in the same way is only hindering your writing development, rather than helping.
Perhaps that is your problem. You are attempting to immitate a style of writing which is difficult it seems, and perhaps you are not fully adapted to it yet. Although I am sure that this author's book is brilliant, perhaps trying to write in the same way is only hindering your writing development, rather than helping.
Libra
Active Member
If you ask for someone's opinion, you have to be ready to accept it, and not insult them.If you can't accept opinions, I suggest you don't post your ideas and go where they only give you positive feedback.
What someone reads and where they pick it up is their choice to make.
You are supposed to be the writer, how about you be more creative on how you answer back.
Libra
Active Member
I read all you posts, I am not telling you to take anyones advice, but as you are a "writer" I thought maybe you would be more creative in answering back with a better explanation as to why you don't agree rather than "hahaha, you don't know what you are talking about etc.." Just a thought.
i want to thank both roddglenn and libra for supporting me.. i also think the same thing. Being told you are not good enough by someone else.. is not only patronising, but also bad manners. I was only trying to help.. and if you did not want it.. then why bother posting in the first place? Oh.. and before you criticise.. read my work. Entitled 'Lyrec: re-written first chapter: the final battle'. Then tell me that I cannot write and do not know what I am talking about.
That is all.. Thankyou.
That is all.. Thankyou.
roddglenn
New Member
We can all get a little defensive over our work, but you have to learn to take the good with the bad and at least try to accept it as people offering small pieces of help or advice. I have been defensive in the past defending some of my earlier work, but even if I don't always agree I do still accept that people have gone to the trouble of responding. A lot of the time it is subjective, so you can either take something away with you or choose to ignore it. That is your right.
Oh and fleuretta, you're welcome
meredithgreene
New Member
your first chapter
From your writing, you seem to be a logical, rather intense individual (a compliment) as your descriptions seem to almost analyse themselves. Besides one or two over-lengthy sentences, (something I do myself) and using numbers where numerical words should go, I found your piece kept my interest well. I shall look forward to reading the next chapter.
From your writing, you seem to be a logical, rather intense individual (a compliment) as your descriptions seem to almost analyse themselves. Besides one or two over-lengthy sentences, (something I do myself) and using numbers where numerical words should go, I found your piece kept my interest well. I shall look forward to reading the next chapter.
meredithgreene
New Member
lol@multiple sprucing
Something each writers wishes to do, I think. *needs more time* Here's hoping to see your next chapter, despite critiques, for they do help.