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Passive vs Active Voice

L

laboi_22

New Member
Which of the following would be an example of a sentence written in the active form? I'm a little confused despite many examples of using active vs passive voice. Any help would be appriciated.


It was frigid when Samuel Robinson walked inside room 307.

Samuel Robinson entered room 307. Once inside, the hair on his arms were pulled up straight like as if the celing contained a magnet for body hair, but he realized it was due to the cold tempature of the room.

I know the second sounds stupid but I'm just trying it out. Any examples made with the same sentence would be helpful. Thanks
 
laboi_22 said:
Which of the following would be an example of a sentence written in the active form? I'm a little confused despite many examples of using active vs passive voice. Any help would be appriciated.


It was frigid when Samuel Robinson walked inside room 307.

Samuel Robinson entered room 307. Once inside, the hair on his arms were pulled up straight like as if the celing contained a magnet for body hair, but he realized it was due to the cold tempature of the room.

I know the second sounds stupid but I'm just trying it out. Any examples made with the same sentence would be helpful. Thanks
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Hmm. I see you're reading King's On Writing. Is this why you have asked the above? If that is the case, then I don't think you should worry too much about what he goes on about. Just keep away from writing lines like "With a hammer he killed Frank" - which is kind of obvious - thank's Mr king.
 
I am reading on writing. I think it's really good. Before I read that book I read The Elements of Style by William Strunk and E.B. White. They also mention the use of active vs. passive voice and I seem to agree with them. So I really want to understand it well so that my writing could maybe one day be supurb. LOL Yeah right hun...Anyway any other sugesstions would be very helpful.
 
and do a search for passive voice on this site. there's a thread about it. I don't know how to send you the link so do the search.
 
laboi_22 said:
Which of the following would be an example of a sentence written in the active form? I'm a little confused despite many examples of using active vs passive voice. Any help would be appriciated.


It was frigid when Samuel Robinson walked inside room 307.

Samuel Robinson entered room 307. Once inside, the hair on his arms were pulled up straight like as if the celing contained a magnet for body hair, but he realized it was due to the cold tempature of the room.

I know the second sounds stupid but I'm just trying it out. Any examples made with the same sentence would be helpful. Thanks
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You kinda missed the boat here, laboi. The first example is passive, but you complicate matters by introducing more passive construction in the second example: "it was due to the cold temperature of the room." Try not to use "it" as the subject; that might help. Why not just say

The automatic doors opened and Sam sailed in. Cold as a meat locker in here, he thought. His teeth started to chatter.

Why do you need "once inside"? Why do you need his last name, or the room number? Wouldn't he realize he was cold before he noticed the (bizarre and unbelievable) armhair? All I say is that you must BE Sam and tell the truth. Do not exaggerate like that. It doesn't work. Get rid of extra words. They serve no good purpose.
 
Wow that makes perfect sense. I didn't realize how hard it was to write. How many times am I going to say that. LOL..

Anyway

When Samuel walked inside the room, he folded his arms and began rubbing them with his hands. It must be 3 below in here, he thought.

Any good? Any diffrent should I ask? Did I use active voice this time. Wow this is hard.
 
laboi_22 said:
Wow that makes perfect sense. I didn't realize how hard it was to write. How many times am I going to say that. LOL..

Anyway

When Samuel walked inside the room, he folded his arms and began rubbing them with his hands. It must be 3 below in here, he thought.

Any good? Any diffrent should I ask? Did I use active voice this time. Wow this is hard.
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Actually that's much better, but your tendency to exaggerate always gets the better of you. I would rewrite the same sentences as:

When Samuel walked into the room, he unconsciously began rubbing his arms with his hands. It must be 30 degrees in here, he thought.

Another habit you have to break free of is trying to describe absolutely every single movement a character makes. Skip bits, cut to the chase. We don't need to know that he then took ten steps across the linoleum floor to the wood-laminate reception desk. But we might want to know if he thinks the receptionist is cute and why. Does he like the way she pushes her glasses up her nose before talking?
 
novella said:
Actually that's much better, but your tendency to exaggerate always gets the better of you. I would rewrite the same sentences as:

When Samuel walked into the room, he unconsciously began rubbing his arms with his hands. It must be 30 degrees in here, he thought.
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Heh... -3 degrees C is almost 30 degrees Fahrenheit (26.6 to be precise)... so that mightn't have been exageration so much as a different unit system.

But I'm just being pedantic, aren't I? :D
 
Kookamoor said:
Heh... -3 degrees C is almost 30 degrees Fahrenheit (26.6 to be precise)... so that mightn't have been exageration so much as a different unit system.

But I'm just being pedantic, aren't I? :D
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I did wonder about that myself, not being conversant with Centigrade, but laboi is from Louisiana, so I thought, nah . . .
 
novella said:
I did wonder about that myself, not being conversant with Centigrade, but laboi is from Louisiana, so I thought, nah . . .
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Heh heh... yes, I figured that was the conclusion.

So, when you read a British or European book where centigrade temperatures are used, do you get confused? Because reference to fahrenheit in a book is very confusing, I know. Usually the temperature is mentioned only when there's extremes, which I can work out, but it still causes me to stumble over the number and interupt my train of thought. Pounds is similarly confusing - I never understood that measurement until I came to Canada.
 
Well actually (even though I'm from Louisiana) in my career we use centigrade quiet frequently. I'm a nurse remember. It's an easy conversion and I use it all the time which is why I wrote it that way. Just the same with Kilos vs. LBS we use only kilos just multipy or divide by 2.2.
 
Kookamoor said:
Heh heh... yes, I figured that was the conclusion.

So, when you read a British or European book where centigrade temperatures are used, do you get confused? Because reference to fahrenheit in a book is very confusing, I know. Usually the temperature is mentioned only when there's extremes, which I can work out, but it still causes me to stumble over the number and interupt my train of thought. Pounds is similarly confusing - I never understood that measurement until I came to Canada.
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I'm hopeless with metric conversions, but thankfully that's one of the things that US editors 'convert' when they take on an English book. I guess I've never noticed it in any books, but when I talk to my mother-in-law, we are odds and ends about weather and weight. Seems like counting bodyweight in stones gets you off kinda easy. :)
 
laboi_22 said:
When Samuel walked inside the room, he folded his arms and began rubbing them with his hands. It must be 3 below in here, he thought.

Any good?
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Obviously, I'd take novella's suggestions on board but I'd also use this as a good chance to show a bit of Samuel. Rather than have him walk into the room try changing it with other words. Consider the following:

  • Samuel ambled into the room.
  • Samuel limped into the room.
  • Samuel stumbled into the room.
  • Samuel strutted into the room.
  • Samuel crept into the room.
  • Samuel tip-toed into the room.
  • Samuel bound into the room.
  • Samuel sauntered into the room.
  • Samuel stormed into the room.
  • Samuel slouched into the room.
  • Samuel sprang into the room.
  • Samuel slinked into the room.
  • Samuel waddled into the room.

What does each say about Samuel?


Here's my take on the same sentence. I changed 30 to thirty since there's no reason to use an actual number - it's writing, not mathematics.

Samuel strolled into the room. He absently folded his arms over his chest. It must be below thirty in here, he thought.
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Of course, room could also be reconsidered.
 
I think Samuel is a sauntering sort of fellow. Laboi, note that Stewart removed the "began" from rubbing his arms? I am always looking for and picking out these stupid words. Same with "it was", "he was", and anything else passive.
 
sirmyk said:
Laboi, note that Stewart removed the "began" from rubbing his arms?
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Yes, otherwise you'd have to say he stopped doing it and what's the point in him beginning to do something? Exactly. Just let him do it. If it wasn't mentioned that he'd stopped then I may still think he's rubbing his arms by the end of the novel even though he's sailed the world, climbed umpteen mountains, founded a village and peopled it with his love.

sirmyk said:
I'm thinking meat locker.
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Or morgue. :)
 
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