Poem: A Father Tells His Son

[tugger]

A FATHER TELLS HIS SON

Look for the one who
Glances openly at you across
The crowded coffee bar.
Look for the one who
Dances barefoot on the cool wood floor.
Like the free raven
Dark in her dark motion,
Look for the one who
Soars nightly across the memory of your day.

She is the one.

Look for the one with
Shoulders freckled by June's tender sun.
Look for the one who
Makes your music with her laughter.
Like the gliding river
Strong in her steady course,
Look for the one who
Pours constant into the song of your soul.

She is the one.

Find her in the high
Feathered grasses of a hillside,
Or the deep blue recesses
Of an autumn lake.
But find her, because
Like the wind that weeps
Through your lonely heart,
She can be gone with its next beating.

She is the one.

And if all you can do
Is catch her shadow,
Or only know her
As some sanguine promise held out,
Take it, and hold it as tight
As the secrets she keeps, son
There is a golden key to your life,

And she is the one.


-- tugger

 

[Martin]

One word:

Wow!

Do you see me? This is me, severely impressed! Seriously. I wish I could give you good, constructive comments, or even that I could express my feelings about this poem a bit better but I can't. Therefore ...

Wow!

Cheers, Martin

 

[Wabbit]

Thats great!

Keep posting your poetry tugger! They are great and I enjoy them a lot!

Regards
SillyWabbit

 

[Ashlea]

Interesting title - without it I would imagine the poem as the whisper of fate instead of a parent. The title opens up an entirely different picture.

And a beautiful one at that, btw.

 

[tugger]

Thanks, you guys. Your encouragement really means more than you probably realize.

 

[third man girl]

Poet, do you want all my thoughts on the poem, or just the good ones?

Third Man Girl

 

[tugger]

Poet, do you want all my thoughts on the poem, or just the good ones?

*winces* Oh oh. That doesn't sound good.

All of them. please. Be honest.... well... within reason.

Thanks.

 

[third man girl]

*winces*

No, don't wince. Please, don't wince.

Comment. For song lyrics, I would keep She is the one. For a poem, I would leave those lines out. I found them distracting.

On the negative side, personally I didn’t like the line: ‘She can be gone with its next beating.’ Made me think ‘Nickelback’ and reference to abuse of women.

Those minor thoughts aside, absolutely loved it. It is beautiful, as all your poems are. I wish I could write beautiful words like these; nevertheless, they are a treasure to read.

I see a man, no, not a man, a gentleman, with the wisdom gained from experience to advise his son to look beyond the shallowness of life; to find a woman to share his soul, depth, passion.
But, I also feel this poem tells more about the man himself, than the woman or the son.

Am I wrong? Again?

Third Man Girl

 

[tugger]

Whew... that wasn't so bad.

Thanks once again, Writer, for your comments. You have such a good ear.

As for the specific ones: I used that one repeating line to help tie the poem together. Maybe it doesn't need that after all.

And, I'm not familiar with the Nickelback reference. Not a fan. The line goes back to that theme we discussed once before where sometimes, maybe, a man just has a fleeting moment to reach out and connect with "that perfect one" or "soulmate" or whatever term you prefer, and that if he hesitates, she could be lost forever. That's all.

I was prompted to write the poem when my son introduced me to his first girlfriend a few days back. I mean, I'm sure he's been sweet on other girls before, but this is the first one he's acknowledged to me. Anyway, I don't know if a father is ever quite ready for that. His son growing up so quickly before his eyes. Anyway, about the poem saying more about the father than the son or the woman, well, yeah, I do believe that was what I was hoping for. At the same time, I did want to convey some thoughts about what kind of woman a father would wish for his son. And, also as a son myself, I thought of my own father and wish he had told me some of these things. Oops. Maybe I'm sharing just a little too much...

 

[third man girl]

I thought of my own father and wish he had told me some of these things.

But, Poet, would you have listened? Or, would you have made the same mistakes that you did and had the same fun and heartache making them? You told me a while back to ‘follow my heart’ when I’m writing. I guess this is what you are telling your son about life? You sound like a good father, and I hope you can share your poetry with your boy.

Have you (or anyone else who is listening in to our conversation ) read Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo? It is an anti-war book, and harrowing to read, but the true emotions, to me, came through when listening to the boy’s thoughts (as he lay wounded in hospital bed) about the people who’d been closest to him in his life. His relationship with his mother, sister, best friend and first true love. But most of all, his memories of shared moments with his father.

Hope to read more of your poetry soon.

Third Man Girl

 

[tugger]

Hope to read more of your poetry soon.

You really are a glutton for punishment, aren't you?

I doubt that I will post as much poetry as I have been. I've only been a member here for a week now, and I've already posted five or six poems. Most of those were written over the last couple of months or so. I've started, however, to write some poems that I think are a little more serious and quite different than the type I've been posting. Some of these newer ones, I really think I would like to try to get published somewhere down the road. Therefore, I'm torn. I would like to get feedback on them along the way, but I hesitate to post them on a public forum where just anyone could steal them or parts of them or whatever. I, of course, trust those who are members here, but any visitor would have access. I'm really not comfortable about that. So, I don't know.

Also, as you have well said, Writer, it is quite a leap off the edge to share things that are such a part of yourself. Even among friends.

Btw - Johnny Got His Gun is one of those books that I've always meant to read, but never have gotten to. I'll make it a point to now. Thanks.