Poem: After I Come

[tugger]

After I Come

Sometimes after I arch and silently scream
Your name, I feel as if I have died and blown away.

Sometimes I feel as beautiful and empty
As the shed skin of a snake. A euphoric echo.

Sometimes I will rise and set like a weak sun
In the chilled web of winter, a pale, shattered light.

Many times I become a star, white and open
And spin outward into other orbits.

But, sometimes I completely disappear like the memory
Of the breath of a ghost, lost in the sad magnificence
Of spent love.

--tugger

 

[tugger]

hahaha.... looks like I scared everyone away with this little gem!

hope I didn't offend everyone

 

[Wabbit]

I like it

thanks!

Regards
SillyWabbit

 

[third man girl]

Okay. I’ll jump right in beside you. I am unqualified to analyse, criticise; however . . .

I will tell you what I thought as I read it. With honesty.

Second verse: Used condoms Sorry

Third verse: Spiders.

Fourth verse: Sperm and ova

Fifth verse: Kind of and at the same time.

Oh – and the First verse: truthfully? Absolutely adored it. It blew me away.

I say it aloud, like this . . .

Sometimes after I arch and silently scream Your name,
[pause, quieter . . .] I feel as if I have died and blown away.

. . . I hope that’s all right with you?


Third Man Girl

 

[Ashlea]

Earthy and ethereal. That takes some doing.

 

[kskyhappy]

liked it

i liked this one, you caught an emotion allright as long as that was all you caught!

funny thing was i read it first without reading the title so it was a lot more ethereal the first time i read it, more evocative, then i read the responses and thought i must have missed something - interesting.....the difference a title can make.

ksky

 

[tugger]

I am unqualified to analyse, criticise; however . . .

No. You are qualified. All of your points are right on target. Some of the images (like the used condoms) I certainly wasn't thinking of when I wrote the poem. But now that you point it out, I see what you mean. Yuck. It certainly kind of spoils all that follows. I think "web" is the unfortunate word choice in the next stanza. I'll certainly have to do some more work on this one.

Thanks again to ALL who have responded.

 

[third man girl]

I'll certainly have to do some more work on this one.

No! Don’t change anything. It’s your poem. And the snake analogy is my fault! It reminded me of a passage from the book I’m trying to write (please, don’t laugh).

EXCERPT
[Twin brothers, eighteen years old. Non-identical - very non-identical.]

We continued our walk along the winding riverbank. The freezing fog closed around us, and my shirt stole the moisture from the air. Our footsteps marched in tune, and yet there was no sound from our boots as they imprinted on the sand. The water hissed and lapped like a living thing. I spotted an unravelled condom lying on a sand-bed between two grassy mounds. Ahh – so my small town had discovered contraception in my absence. I prodded the rubber with the toe of my boot, teased it open, and was unable to resist tapping the pink bubble at the tip. How many millions lay trapped within? I grinned at my brother, aware that he had been watching, and wondered if his thoughts were similar to mine.

But his eyes met mine in a challenge. And then his eyelids flickered, and he said, “A layer of flesh sloughed from the genitals and cast aside like the skin from a snake.” I asked him where he got these weird thoughts in his head. He said he wished he knew. And his next words stunned me. He asked if it was possible that our mother had been raped twice on that black night, by two soldiers, one a violent man, and the other a peaceful man who had words buzzing around his head, tormenting him, driving him to despair. Had both men violated her, and each fertilised a separate egg? Was that possible? Were we true brothers?

Third Man Girl

 

[tugger]

TMG: ROTFLOL!!!!
Just kidding.

Wow, those two paragraphs just make me want to read more! Now there's just so much I want to know about these two brothers. Is the brother talking in the first person the Bryan you've mentioned in other posts? The one that writes the poetry? Was their mother really raped? And are they truly the offspring? Can you share more? Now I'm hooked.

And you don't want to call yourself a novelist. Come on, girl. YOU HAVE NO FAITH IN MEDICINE! (OK, I promise, that'll be my last WS reference. I promise.)

 

[third man girl]

I want to know about these two brothers.

1. Is the brother talking in the first person the Bryan you've mentioned in other posts?
2. Was their mother really raped?
3. Can you share more?

1. No
2. Well . . .
3. No – no! Stop it – slap! SLAP!


Okay. Quickly. Because I’ve got two ice-hot days of hockey ahead and I need to sleeeeeeep.

1. No. This character is a natural-born bad guy. Dour, silent type. A no-regrets type His brother is not a main character, so don’t get too excited about him. [Bryan is the creative one - a music teacher, with art and poetry his hobbies. Needs some gentle encouragement to be a bad guy ]

2. Was their mother raped? Well, I’m in the character’s head as I write about him. So I only know what he knows. And I believe what he believes. And he knows what kind of man he is. And so he knows what kind of man his father was. Got it?

3. No – no! Stop it – slap! SLAP!

Third Man Girl

 

[tugger]

Because I’ve got two ice-hot days of hockey ahead and I need to sleeeeeeep.

So, how did it go? Did your team win? How did YOU do? Please fill us all in.

You know, your answers to my questions about your novel only whetted my appetite...

(may I have some more, please?)

 

[third man girl]

So, how did it go? Did your team win? How did YOU do?

The boys were runners-up, having played Slough (overall winners; well done!), and Sunderland [English teams]; Kirkcaldy [the other Scottish team]; a Swedish team; and a Norwegian team.

I didn’t DO anything, except swipe a proud tear from my eye when our semi-final went to penalties and my son scored the shot that put them through to the final (semi-final against Kirkcaldy, in their home rink ).

You know, your answers to my questions about your novel only whetted my appetite...

(may I have some more, please?)

I don't know. I'm having a courage crisis right now. I think I need advice and guidance, rather than the criticism that would come if I posted. I'm still sitting nervously on the edge of that grand sandstone viaduct.

Third Man Girl

 

[kskyhappy]

nope fine by me

White stripes references are fine by me!

ksky

 

[tugger]

The boys were runners-up...

Congrats to the boys!

except swipe a proud tear...

Sounds like you did QUITE well!

I think I need advice and guidance, rather than the criticism

Then that is what we'd give.. well, I guess I can only speak for myself, but I would hope ...

I don't know, I mean, I know how you feel. I've sat on that edge before, too.