Poetry

[Kahrey]

This is just a couple of poems I wrote, I'm very open to opinions and criticisms, you can say what you like without offending me.

The Curse

The blackened earth
Lies ashed with anger
Destruction has passed
Restoration must last

The Skeleton in Armour came
With his Army of Death
With his sword destroying all the earth
And leaving behind a dreadful curse

Upon his horse of iron bone
He struck the earth with death
Those that lived were taken by the Curse

But I alone survived that night
I lived to tell the tale
Of the Skeleton in Armour with his Army of Death
And his cursed sword form the very depths of Hell

The Power of the Angels runs through my veins
Only by me can the Curse be lifted
Only by me will the people awake

I alone must restore the earth
I cannot be overcome by this Curse
It all depends on me
O heaven save me

I pour out my power
Until none is left
No more ashen earth
Only the death of the Curse


This one is meant to be a song:

Forgotten

These crystal tears fall to the ground
They break and shatter without a sound
Their broken remnants on the floor
Their reason will live forevermore

Forgotten
No, they cannot be
How could you forget
When it's all you see

On the floor lies these red shatters of glass
All you can do is hope it will pass
You writhe in your misery and twist and turn
Trying to put out all the burn

Forgotten
Yes, you know too well
How they all left you
And laughed when you fell

You'll never add up to what they are
All your dreams, they seem so far
You'll never be anything more
You're merely shattered tears upon the floor

Forgotten
Yes, you'll always be
Your memory will fade
There will be nothing left to see

Marred with blood, broken on the ground
You lay motionless without a sound
Lifelessly you lay for all to see
Now you're nothing but a forgotten memory


Let me know what you think! All comments will be greatly appreciated!!

 

[mr_michel]

you can say what you like without offending me.

but what would be the fun of that

no, i really liked the first one, but im very sleepy right now to post any serious opinion, in the meanwhile, welcome to the forums, im looking foward to see more of your postings

 

[Kahrey]

Thanks!

I look forward to posting more!

 

[Crystal]

This is just a couple of poems I wrote, I'm very open to opinions and criticisms, you can say what you like without offending me.

The Curse

The blackened earth
Lies ashed with anger
Destruction has passed
Restoration must last

The Skeleton in Armour came
With his Army of Death
With his sword destroying all the earth
And leaving behind a dreadful curse

Upon his horse of iron bone
He struck the earth with death
Those that lived were taken by the Curse

But I alone survived that night
I lived to tell the tale
Of the Skeleton in Armour with his Army of Death
And his cursed sword form the very depths of Hell

The Power of the Angels runs through my veins
Only by me can the Curse be lifted
Only by me will the people awake

I alone must restore the earth
I cannot be overcome by this Curse
It all depends on me
O heaven save me

I pour out my power
Until none is left
No more ashen earth
Only the death of the Curse


This one is meant to be a song:

Forgotten

These crystal tears fall to the ground
They break and shatter without a sound
Their broken remnants on the floor
Their reason will live forevermore


Let me know what you think! All comments will be greatly appreciated!!

Like the first one. images such as iron-boned horse, or the scences like nothing but the death of curse left.. are vivid.

in front of my eyes are destructed or destroyed or ruined walls, deserted streets, gray, gray, gray, a used earth, a skeletoned earth or something.

honestly, it would be more more powerful and impressive you can make some refinement work. (umm, are you kinda pesimistic? sorry, just my guess.)

The second, umm, well, i liked this:Their reason will live forevermore

Thank you for sharing.
by the way, I don't know much about poetry, but just say something that comes to my mind. hope they are not offending.

 

[Kahrey]

Not at all offensive! I'm sure I could do some revisions on it and make it a bit better, there's always something that could be changed....

I do tend to be very pessimistic in my writing, but I am not the optimistic person anyways.

 

[Crystal]

I'm sure I could do some revisions on it and make it a bit better, there's always something that could be changed....

Yeah, this is what i meant. (sorry, not have high command of English. ) always something can be changed to make it more and more beautiful.

I think a poem is like a person, it'd better to have its bones, spine, flesh, even blood to make it full.