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someone give me some feed back please!!!!!!!!!!

RIKKIS

RIKKIS

kickbox
The river's bend waited for me, I could see it from where I stood. I wasn't inclined to hurry, but at the same time I craved for the end of my journey. I realized right then that when taking a walk one should only go half as far as planned and turn back. That way when you reach your destination, you're not too tired to go home. I couldn't fathom being alone for another week or so, living off of the plants that I could find in this vast wilderness. I would rather have gone to sleep and waited for someone to find me, but I knew if I did that I wouldn't survive. I had to keep going. I soldiered on through the trees and around my little river bend. Finally I saw what I was looking for....my house. Game over, I put my imagination away and went in to be served lunch by my mom. She asked politely how my journey had gone and I regaled her with every detail right down to the tiger I fought bare handed in a distant land. She smiled and indulged me "So how were the unicorns on this journey of yours? Were they silver or white this time?" I knew that she thought it was cute that I pretended to go places and see things that were nowhere close to anything around our small farm in Ohio, but as I look back I think she should have realized it was a prologue for things to come. I would see wonderous things some day and go to places, no man would go before me, even if I had to lie cheat and steal to get there. No small feat from my mother's only little girl.
 
My first thought is that you need to clarify your character's perspective. Are you writing from the perspective of a child or of an adult reflecting on the past? Both seem to be present.

There's a preciousness here that I think you would be better off without. Particularly the phrases "I put my imagination away" and "no small feat for my mother's only little girl" are a little too cute. What are you trying to express in that last line? That you are unique or spoiled or surprising in some way or have you struggled through something? It's not clear and really just comes across as false modesty. If you are writing from the perspective of a child, these phrases just don't fit; if from the perspective of an adult, more insight would probably be warranted.

Further, there's nothing concrete to hang on to. Where are the five senses? What are the smells and fears and tactile experiences? It feels like a very generalized experience. A tree. Water. A house. A mother.

It seems that you are trying to find out what you want to write about but have not really started getting into it yet.
 
Those are good criticisms, but personally I think the vagueness works because it sets a murky tone which is supported by the fact that the first half is being somewhat imagined by the narrator (not the walk in the forest itself, but the danger of being lost in the wilderness). As for the age of the narrator I like the ambiguity because it captures a sense of youthful adventure while ultimately revealing that this may be a young adult living at home searching for excitement in childish (not a bad thing when I use it) memories/experiences. It seems very autobiographical, maybe because I've done much the same thing, taking walks in rural areas and pretending I was far far away, maybe even on Middle Earth!

However, you should seek whatever meaning you can find in Novella's comments because they contain wisdom. It's really a matter of what purpose your writing serves.
 
Also, one spelling error: wondrous.
And one bad word: No small feat for my mother's only little girl.

I think the my is also redudant here.

My biggest criticism is the title of the thread - it's like a demand with a please tagged on. It's far better to use an appropriate title as these create keywords which are useful for user's searching the site's archives and for search engines to get a better context of the page for people using something like Google. And you've also proven you can write clear sentences and punctuate properly so why go and spoil it all with excess exclamation marks?

Just as well you didn't put urgent in the title otherwise I'd have come down on you like a tonne of bricks. ;)
 
I take it this is the opening chapter of a novel? I don't know much about writing but I do know that it is crucially important in the opening chapters to capture your audiences imagination and create a sense of mystery so that they want to read on, and I think this piece does that very well. I'm already intrigued! I especially like the closing lines that hint at this young girl's frustrations, of being underestimated by her mother and of the inevitable challenging adventure, that would prove her wrong. I think a lot of people would be able to relate to that which is also important.
I do however think more detail in the opening lines would improve it greatly. For example its not clear whether this girl is sailing down the river or whether she is walking along side it - a tiny bit more description to give it a sense of texture wouldn't hurt - the first few lines are a little bit too 'matter-of-fact'. If that's an intentional device to create a dreamlike quality, I think you need to create a contrast in the lines that follow directly behind.
 
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