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direstraits said:You got it. But you've never seen mine yet - it's a thousand times worse than yours.
ds
nighthawk said:Hi Eugen Interesting story, descriptive and reads well. I particularly liked the end twist but think that could be a little sharper as it is meant to hit you. But that is just my opinion. If you changed it everytime someone made a suggestion it would never be your own.![]()
Aw shucks... I haven't completed it yet. I've been wanting to post a little piece here for a while already and let everyone point out the stuff that's wrong with it. But Real Life keeps intruding.Eugen said:Looked for you on showcase so I could see your work. Zip. How come?
I like the idea behind the last 2 lines. How about something like:Eugen said:Great thought, Nighthawk. It probably would end better without the last two sentences; ... and closed his eyes reads tighter. El Diablo was a stab I couldn't resist - indulging my whim. Naughty. Guess what? Off it goes!
Ell said:I like the idea behind the last 2 lines. How about something like:
He ripped it open. A godawful stench filled the air. "Aww, CRAP!"
Or still too self-indulgent?
I liked the fight sequence with Sherrie - though I think you could have made her reaction/actions even more vicious. If that were me and my baby, I'd have been a lot more outraged and vicious. Have you heard the saying, "You'd kill for your husband, but you'd die for your child"?
Liked it overall.