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Thought I'd stick this in here..

Inkheart

New Member
Near Death of The Easter Bunny


"The fog last night was unreal. It hung over the village like a giant cloud of chloroform, ready to suffocate the lonely coastal road with it's sprouting twigs of houses. I stepped across the dew-ridden grass, droplets winking under the full moon. The car was cold and the damp leather of the wheel sent shivers up to my elbows. I stared ahead at the tiny stretch of road. With insane optimism I hoped I could remember the correct bends and turns it would tease me with.

The hedgerows lining the road seemed to stand, watching me pass, knowing my awful fate around the next bend. I watched the undulating shadows cast by my headlights as I moved the car forward. It felt like I was playing a computer game, it was too simple to be careful. Gliding around corners I felt as though a giant hand was laying the road behind the curtain of fog metres in front.

I had just settled into this amusing notion and was enjoying the surreal midnight game, when with such unexpected suddenness, a grey creature skipped along the hem of the fog curtain and disappeared into the silent hedgerow. I slammed on the brakes. I nearly killed it, I thought. I automatically switched off the engine. My heart thumped in my chest. I looked over at the unmoving blackthorn into which the white rump had disappeared. The full moon, the fog and the isolation of the moment sent flashing images of an evil, black, twisted version of Alice In Wonderland existing within the sneering blackthorn. I was Alice and I had nearly killed the White Rabbit.

Gathering my senses I looked back at the road ahead. I was nearly home. Removing the incident from my mind I turned the engine on and out of habit, glanced at the passenger seat beside me. The giant chocolate egg in the navy box had fallen onto its side. Leaning on the navy box at an awkward angle lay the chocolate rabbit. Its eye of white chocolate directed at me. Through the ruffles of plastic, its dark chocolate eyebrow seemed to be raised questioningly. I laughed at the absurdity of it all, put my foot on the accelerator and continued on my journey home.

I am Laura and I had nearly killed the Easter Bunny."
 
A few changes

:cool: Cute story. I only have a few changes for you:

1. "It hung over the village like a giant cloud of chloroform..." Chloroform has clear vapors, so a giant cloud of chloroform would look like heat rising from hot asphalt. Unless that is what you meant.

2. "...its dark chocolate eyebrow seemed to be raised questioningly." I hate the infamous evil words ending in "ly", so I would change it to read: "...its dark chocolate eyebrow seemed raised." which gives us the same result without having the reader blog out the word 'questioningly'.

3. I think "chocolate" is spelled incorrectly somewhere at the end of the story.

Otherwise, great flash fiction...
 
I really like some of your imagery: sprouting twigs of houses, the giant hand laying the road just beyond the fog. really cool.

I would probably find a different word for "bend in the road" though. You use it twice close together. You are obviously too creative to use such a blah phrase as that. I might find a creepier way to introduce the "grey creature". I like "...skipped along the hem of the fog curtain", though. Nice turn of phrase.

If there is any of you in this, then we share a delight in night driving. I would have had the top down, or at least the widows open, to enjoy the comfort of the coolness from the ocean.

Nice.
 
Hey thanks for your thoughts. I really appreciate them. I'm 21 and used to write alot as a kid, with imagery being my strongest asset. This is the first thing I've written in a long time and it also happens to be the first and only draft.

Thanks for your encouraging comments, I might start writing again with this sort of praise. :p
 
Inkheart said:
Near Death of The Easter Bunny

"The fog last night was unreal. It hung over the village like a giant cloud of chloroform, ready to suffocate the lonely coastal road with it's sprouting twigs of houses. I stepped across the dew-ridden grass, droplets winking under the full moon.
Beautiful, Inkheart! Catching description!
 
It's sweet, and you shouldn't s stop writing.. it' good...

But if you want you could give us a description of the car, or at least tell us it's there since
Inkheart said:
I stepped across the dew-ridden grass, droplets winking under the full moon. The car was cold and the damp leather of the wheel sent shivers up to my elbows....

oh and in the end you used nearly twice, as the second one you could use ALMOST...

Inkheart said:
I was Alice and I had nearly killed the White Rabbit.

Gathering my senses I looked back at the road ahead. I was nearly home. Removing the incident from my mind I ...

good work :)
 
Good point. Although I would usually make numerous changes after I've written something. I typed this out one night in about half an hour and didn't go back over it. It was just a one-off thing. I hadn't written in a long time and I just wanted to see what I could come up with.
 
I will when I've changed it. :)

Have another short piece I wrote at school a few years back. Might post it as I need all the critics I can get if I want to start writing again.
 
What did you mean by "It felt like I was playing a computer game, it was too simple to be careful," exactly? I'm not getting that part.

Other than that - good descriptive stuff, I thought.
 
You should follow up with a story recounting the time a plane you were traveling on nearly took out Santa's sleigh. I loved the Easter Bunny story; I shared it with my parents and they got a kick out of it.
 
CDA said:
What did you mean by "It felt like I was playing a computer game, it was too simple to be careful," exactly? I'm not getting that part.

When you play racing games on the computer and the road is appearing in front of the car, you aren't worried about kerbs, trees, sharp bends etc because you know it isn't real.

Get me?
 
I seem to have been overcome with writer's block. I haven't written a single piece since the Easter Bunny story.

:(
 
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