what would "The Lord of the Rings" sound like if it had been written by someone else

[mr_michel]

this one its pretty cool
its an organized recopilation of post in a thread in another forum
what would "The Lord of the Rings" sound like if it had been written by someone else

 

[dele]

We had the same thread on another forum too. It was a lot of fun. Here are the two I wrote for it:

---
The Hobbit - à la William Goldman

This is my favourite book in all the world, though I have never read it.

How is such a thing possible? I'll do my best to explain.

The year that Bilbo Baggins left the shire, the most beautiful woman in the world was Gondorian scullery maid named Annette. Annette worked hard and in her spare time loved to play with the young prince Denethor. It did not escape the King's notice that someone extraordinary was polishing the pewter (only they didn't have pewter yet. More precisely, they had pewter, but it wasn't called "pewter"). The King's notice did not escape the notice of the Queen either, who was not very beautiful, not very rich, but plenty smart. The Queen set about studying Annette and shortly found her adversary's tragic flaw.

Llemba bread.

 

[dele]

The Hobbit - à la Clive Cussler

2941 of the Third Age
WHAT WAS THEN HOBBITON

The intruder came from beyond. A powerful, celestial being, almost as old as the universe itself, he had been born in a vast cloud of ice, rocks, dust, and gas a thousand years before.

Bilbo Baggins owned the prestigious hobbit-hole at the base of the hill. To an outsider it looked like a old, run-down, uninteresting hole. But that was merely a clever disguise to keep would-be thieves out. Inside this hobbit-hole were rooms and rooms filled with antique automobiles, and wine cellars stocked with Bourbon, Cabernet Sauvignon, Dom Perignon, Ferri-Carano Siena, Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin Brut Champagne, Chardonnay, Sparr Pinot Noir and even Retsina, a fine old Greek wine.

Baggins was handsome, but not in the movie-star sense. He was tall for a hobbit, dark-haired and well-built, with deep green eyes and hairy feet. An urgent knock on the door interrupted his reverie. He downed his tequila and cocked his trusty old .45 caliber automatic Colt pistol.

He opened the door to his hobbit-hole and grinned as he recognised his old childhood pal, Gandalf the Gray.

 

[mr_michel]

that one its pretty good

 

[bobbyburns]

what if it starred the cast friends?

 

[dele]

That would be so funny! You should write it for us.

 

[bobbyburns]

have them sing 'we are the world' at the end.

 

[Halo]

I'm just imagining LoTR written by Quentin Tarantino ...

Edit: just had a quick look at the link and the first Stephen King one is pretty spot on!

 

[Wabbit]

YES!!! I have read this before because I am a regular visiter to the "stright dope" web site that it origonated in It's REALLY great and very funny!!!

Thanks for posting it Mr M

I liked the Ernest Hemingway one! :-D

Ernest Hemmingway

by Mister Underhill

It was very late and everyone had left the hall except an old man who sat in the shadows the leaves of the old Mallorn made against the moonlight. The two elves inside the hall knew that the old man was a little drunk, and while he usually was quiet and kept to himself they knew that if he became too drunk he would start setting things on fire, so they kept watch on him.

“He’s drunk,” one elf said.

“What do you care?”

“He’s muttering about the secret fire.”

“Leave him alone. He used to carry a ring.”

“He’ll stay all night. He should never have been rebodied.”

The old man rapped on the table with his goblet. The younger elf went over to him.

“What do you want?”

The old man looked at him. “Another miruvor.”

“You’ll be drunk,” the elf said. The old man looked at him. The elf went away.

“Look at his bushy eyebrows,” he said to his colleague. “There is nothing as nasty as an old Man. He’ll stay all night and I’ll never get any sleep.”

The elf took the bottle of miruvor from the counter inside the hall and marched to the old man’s table. He poured the goblet full.

“You should never have been rebodied,” he said to the old man.

LOL typical Hemingway!

 

[Themistocles]

http://forum.orenjonion.net/cgi-bin/YaBB.cgi?board=jayuz;action=display;num=1089891015

The Fellowship of the Ring just went l33t on us...

 

[Wabbit]

That's just a little too nerdy for me to appreciate lol :-D

 

[dele]

That's just a little too nerdy for me to appreciate lol :-D

Wow, that's not even English anymore! Could someone translate for me? I'm confused...

w007 s4|<4\|/ 12 73h 1337 h4)(012!!1! lololol
*
3 r1n95 w3r3 g1v3n 2 73h 3lv3z
7 2 73h dw4rf lordz
9 w3r3 g1ven 2 m0r7al n00b13 hum4nz, wh0 sukk
1 w45 m4d3 by 73h 1337 d4rk l0rd
*
1 r1ng 70 rule 73h n00bz
1 r1ng 70 pwn them
1 r1ng 70 k1ckb4n th3m
4nd in 73h 1337 d4r|<nez h4)()( th3m
*
Saruman : t3h wr0ld is changz0rz.wh0 n0w haz t3h strength t0 pwn 1sengard and t2h mordor? w00t lololol!!
*
Gollum : ev1l mastres j00 sux t3h r1ng is ours n00bs
Sam : STFU N00B

 

[Themistocles]

Wow, that's not even English anymore! Could someone translate for me? I'm confused...

Expression of jubilation! s4|<4\|/ (unknown, sorry) is amazingly skilled at unauthorised computer access! How droll!
*
3 rings were given to the elves
7 to the dwarven lords
9 were given to mortal humans, unskilled in management of the ways of the world, and therefore whose abilities leave something to be desired in comparison to other races
1 was made by the supremely-talented dark lord
*
1 ring to rule those who are relative newcomers to the field of existence,
1 ring to defeat them
1 ring to remove them from this particular plane
and in the most wonderful darkness illegally access their souls
*
Saruman : teh world has changed. Who now has the strength to triumph over both Isengard and Mordor? Expression of jubilation! This is most amusing!
*
Gollum : evil masters, you are inferior; the ring is ours, newcomers.
Sam : Hush your blithering tongue, weak type!

 

[dele]

wow, that's incredible. Thanks Themistocles!

 

[Themistocles]

wow, that's incredible. Thanks Themistocles!

You are most welcome, rest assured.

Or should that be 'no pr0bs, n00b'...

If anyone has any l33t/ASCII that needs translating (though I draw the line at txtspk), you know where to find me...

 

[pseudomuffin]

It must be done! Oh, ghost of Mr Tolkien, forgive me!

The first paragraph as if Tolkein was a hip-hop rap star...
In a hizzy in tha ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled wit tha ends of worms n an oozy smell, nor yet a drizzay bare, sandy hole wit nuttin' in it ta sit D-to-tha-izzown on or ta eat . Boo-Yaa!: it was a hobbit-hizzles n thiznat means comfort fo all my homies in the pen.

 

[bobbyburns]

shit, muffin, you be triflin'.