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1002 Things To Do With a bobbyburns

novella

novella

Active Member
1002 Things To Do with a bobbyburns
(as promised, a forum-exclusive excerpt from the eponymous soon-to-be released bestseller)

Lots of homes have an old bobbyburns tucked away somewhere, hidden by grandpa perhaps, or smuggled into the house under cover of darkness. Maybe you have even considered disposing of it. Do not. A bobbyburns, while not entirely useful in its original form, can be adapted to many reuses. So let’s dig up that old bobbyburns and see what we can do!!


For the tidy homemaker!
bobbyburns lint brush
Cover the upper portion of the bobbyburns with masking tape, making sure to keep the sticky side facing out. To remove lint, wipe any surface with the sticky half of the bobbyburns.

For the avid gardener!
bobbyburns slug trap
Fill the bobbyburns with beer and set it in a deep hole in the ground near your slug problem, making sure to keep the mouth open and level with the ground surface. The happy slugs with fall into the bobbyburns and drown in beer. Fun for all!

For the winter X-treme sportsman!
bobbyburns toboggan
Not much fuss with this one. Just run a good piece of rawhide through the bobbyburns head and secure. Lay it flat on an icy slope and jump on. Can double as a bobbyburns snowboard. Great on packed powder.

For the big eater!
bobbyburns-Pineapple Pizza aka Scottish-Hawaiian Pie
Roll out your dough, throw some sauce on. Put some of that yellow cheddar on there. Spread the bobbyburns evenly over the pie. Sprinkle with chunks of canned pineapple. Bake until bubbly. MMMMmmmmm.

Stay tuned for more tips!!
 
The bobbyburns Rose
Graft the bobbyburns onto any standard hardy rootstock, such as Marginal Beauty. Feed liberally and prune at the neck when the head wilts.

bobbyburns Infotainment Center Put the bobbyburns into a fine wood cabinet and install in your giant suburban media room. When desperate with suburban malaise, open the cabinet and watch the bobbyburns.

bobbyburns dogtoy
Cover the bobbyburns with peanutbutter. Give to Bowser and step back!
 
Either this is some elaborate in-joke, or a bobbyburns is an actual housekeeping-appliance I'm not aware of.

Either way .. damn, forgot my point.

Cheers
 
Is it a budding new forum romance? I hope so. I want a forum wedding. I've just turned my old bobbyburns into a cyber-hat using gaffa tape and old toothbrush handles following some intructions I found on the internet, and now I'm just itching to wear it at a formal cyber-occasion.
 
Romance? No way. This is a company-endorsed marketing campaign for the fresh and bubbly magazines “bobbyburns Living” and “Simple bobbyburns,” which help our readership to fully achieve the bobbyburns lifestyle. Carpe diem le niche market, baby.

Litany, do so love the hat idea! May we reprint in the spring edition?


From the new “Law Enforcement with bobbyburns” Section

bobbyburns Battering Ram
Hold the bobbyburns by the ascot and the chatelaine and swing towards the target. Obviously, make sure your team leads with the pointy end!

bobbyburns Speed Bump
Using a loose-mix concrete, affix the bobbyburns crosswise to the roadbed. Statistics have shown that this simple traffic-calming measure will reduce speeds to about 30 mph in a busy commercial zone.


From our “Home Decorating with bobbyburns” Section

bobbyburns-theme Breakfast Nook
Using a powerful industrial stapler, staple the bobbyburns to a snug corner of the kitchen. Place a bench nearby and a small table, sprinkle with cookie crumbs and liberally dribble juice on same.

bobbyburns “Potato” Stamp
We have found the bobbyburns to be a fine substitute for the Idaho “Russet” potato in this application. Carve a cute motif into the bobbyburns, press firmly onto a large ink pad or shallow paint tray, and create exciting patterns on any flat surface.

Today’s Recipe

Wasabi-Encrusted bobbyburns with Cilantro-Red Pepper Coulis
Dip the bobbyburns in an egg wash and roll in green wasabi powder until well coated. Sear the filet in an iron skillet over high heat until moisture rises to the top. Throw some cilantro, garlic, roasted red peppers, and a packet of salt-and-vinegar crisps into a blender and whiz.. Pour a modest, attractive pool of your sauce onto a large white dish and plate the bobbyburns face up in the center. Garnish with a spare crisp, held in the upright position by a large cinnamon stick, creating the illusion of a small tent for little spiders to live in.
 
Well, no, I don't entertain thoughts of turning you into wool and knitting you. You're not a sheep are you?! No.

A jacket. Lined with monkey fur.
 
Girls, by popular demand The bobbyburns Apparell Edition!

Thank you for your letter, Ms. Freya. Fabulous suggestion. The fur of a bobbyburns is itself a bit scrappy (they have a tendency to chew their thighs) so the squirrel supplement will go a long way toward true elegance.



A fresh notion from the Spring Collection, straight from the New York tent shows:

bobbyburns Poncho Very 2004, but easy easy. Just cut a big hole right in the middle and "bob's your uncle." Somewhat chunky, but great for a quick stomp around the marshes with your posse.



From tweedy to moderne! You may think your bobbyburns is too tweedy to make the transitioin into spring, but there are solutions! Dip your bobbyburns into an oil-based primer, let dry, and then straight into a high-gloss shocking white oil-based paint. An instant update!
 
bobbyburns said:
could you find a way to turn me into popcorn necklaces?
Click to expand...


"Harkbrow, did you hear something?"

"Nae, Miss Noveller. Deaf as a bread roll, I am, ma'am"

"I swear that Christmas tree was speaking to me."

"Weww, miss . . . that is a new one. On sale at the Crappity Fayre in Pode Hole, said it were new-fangled. T'bobbyburns tree, womin said. Cost me three pokes in the shed."

"We'll have to do better next year, Harkbrow. I will not have my thoughts interrupted by the Christmas tree."

"Yes'm. More brandy?"
 
“Mumsy, I can’t find my bobbyburns anywhere. Did you see it? I thought I left it in the piano bench.”

“Oh, honey, you’re too old for that now. Besides, it was covered in motor oil and the thingy had a crayon stuck in.”

“But it’s still good. I want it. It’s mine.”

“If I tell you where it is, you have to promise me you’ll put it back when you’re not using it?”

"Yes, mumsy."

“It’s next to the bologna in the cold cuts drawer. There’s just a little bit shaved off the end.”

"For lunch tomorrow, can I have just raisins?"
 
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