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After the 3rd try I came up with this. Someone please tell me what you think

laboi_22

New Member
Here is my re-written prolouge.

***************************

The night was dark and dreary. Not a single star in the sky. No moonlight to guide his path. The killer, dressed in his black hooded robe, made his way down the streets of the oaks. The Oaks was a quiet residential neighborhood, filled with middle classed residents, of Ville Platte, Louisiana. The lightning illuminated the night sky casting beautiful shadows of the hooded bandit. He always admired the immense power of severe thunder storms. He pulled his hood fully over his head, as the rain began to make its way down. He pulled out, from his cloak pocket, a compact digital camera, and attempted to capture a photo of the lightning bolts that blasted through the sky. He was a natural photographer. “I’ll add this to my collection at home.” He said to himself. Proud of the natural wonder he just captured through his lens.

He propped himself up against the stop sign at the corner of Norward and Sue Streets. He thought about the victims. About the pictures that filled his cork board on the wall in his basement. He only attacked after midnight, and as a general rule it had to be a stormy night. March was the perfect month for attacks in the Deep South. Thunder storms were frequent and violent. He used a photo shop style program to make collages of his victims. The background of the collage was pictures of stormy weather captured before the time of attack. Each particular background reminded him of every unique innocent victim. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was cleaning the city out of messengers for the horrible ring he was once a part of.

It was a shame that innocent people had to die, and that his art work was a result of their pain. As an artist, his main goal, was to combine photos of human pain with the pain that Mother Nature inflicted upon her people. Many times the background of his photos was of damage caused by the storm. Other times they were of the actual storm in all its force, the lightning, the clouds, the wind in the trees, the fallen signs on the side of the road. How beautiful he thought.

The boy’s name was Brandon Conner. As with all the victims, he was not technically a boy, he was in his early twenties. The killer watched his every move for close to a month. He knew when his mother left on business. He knew what time he got home from class. He also knew that Brandon had been a starting quarterback for his high school football team before he graduated. A stunning good looking young fellow thought the killer. He knew Brandon worked at the grocery store a block away from his home. He knew he was making only minimum wage to sweep floors, and clean up after closing time. Most of the boys caught up in the ring did what they did for the money. Usually five hundred dollars cash per run.

Each delivery was accurate, and timed according to the mail carriers schedule. The leader, whose face was never seen, by the messenger had everything planned out. The documents to be delivered were in a thin yellow envelope with specific instructions of date, time, and location of delivery. The messenger didn’t receive payment, until he picked up the conformation slip placed inside of the mail box of the delivery location. It was all innocent. The messenger didn’t even know what was being delivered, or what type of work he was doing. The five hundred dollar cash prize was all that mattered.

Being an ex-member, and at one time assistant to the leader, the killer knew what kind of danger the messenger was getting himself into. The boy would be killed eventually, if not by him, then by the leader. The messenger was also not aware of the people he placed in grave danger, after he delivered the documents.

The rain continued to bear down on his back. The back pack, swung over his shoulder, was getting increasingly heavy. He glanced at his watch, and prepared to make his move. It didn’t matter that this was his fourth victim, his stomach still turned with nervousness, every time another victim was taken. He calmed his thoughts with the fact that his cork board would have another addition to it, another masterpiece, another work of grand art.

He peeled himself away from the cold wet stop sign, and proceeded towards the home of Brandon Conner. He watched as the light from his bedroom went completely black. He knew just what door had trouble locking, and how far that door was from Brandon’s room. When his parents were away, he slept in his mother and father’s bedroom. He pulled the leather mask from out of his shoulder bag and placed it over his face, and slipped on the bulky leather gloves. As he walked, his shoes swished, as a result of the rain that accumulated in them. Deep breath lets do it he told himself.

He jumped the fence leading into the back yard, being careful not to make any noise. He slowly and quietly approached the back door, and pushed it open. The loud sound of the thunder above created a mask to the sound the door made when he entered. He crept down the hall looking in every corner taking in everything the nice house had to offer. Finally he arrived at Brandon’s door. He placed the knife in his right hand, and pulled the door open with his left. Brandon didn’t move when the killer entered the room. The killer’s breathe now became labored. The sounds could be heard a mile away coming from under the mask. He pulled out his camera again and said “Ahh a deep sleeper” almost to himself. Brandon still without movement, he managed to capture of few pictures of the young good looking broad in front of him.

Suddenly, due to the flash of the camera, which is what the killer wanted, Brandon awoke.

“Who are you and what do you want from me?”

The killer remained quiet. and Brandon asked louder this time, the same question.

“Don’t worry little guy. You won’t remember a thing that happened this night.” The killer was now approaching him with extreme force.

Before Brandon could move he jabbed the sharp knife into his stomach. Brandon sat straight up in his bed. Blood now pouring out like a fountain in Italy. His hands fell across his stomach in effort to stop the constant pouring of blood. He yelled into the silent stormy night.

“Why!”

The killer, thrilled with Brandon’s pain, pulled out his camera again snapping several shots of the slain boy in bed with blood gushing out violently.

The killer pulled him down by his thick hair, and placed his bag on the floor. He stooped to pull out yet another mask along with leather restraints. He placed the mask over Brandon’s head. Brandon did not put up much of a fight. His face now pale, and skin quickly turning clammy and cold. He tied Brandon’s feet up to the footboard of his bed, followed by his hands in the same fashion. He paused for a moment capturing even more pictures of Brandon’s misery. He cut the rest of Brandon’s clothing off of him, with is blood covered knife, and used that same knife to split his penis down the middle of his shaft. Another jolt of pain sent up Brandon’s lifeless spine. He managed a slight whimper. He applied a leather covering over the now split penis, and used the long leather stings attached to the cover, to tie it up to the ceiling fan. Again more pictures.

Job well done he thought, as he created the last piece of his majestic art work. He laid a gift box on the top of his chest. The box was purple and blue with a red bow around it. No words. Not even a message tag. A few more pictures then he left the room, after packing up the remaining items he needed, and flipped the switch to the ceiling fan turning it on. The last whimper of pain Brandon would ever make was released.
 
Well, I liked it - especially the ending. I got mixed up with the "he swiftly despressed his brakes" - thought there could have been a better sentence here as you normally slam on the brakes - just thoughts.
 
Can I ask what genre you're intending for this to be? Some of my comments are specific to the type of book/story you're planning. Mystery, horror, SF, romance, etc.?

Cathy
 
Okay, let me begin by stating that the correct spelling is Prologue. Use a spell checker.

The piece is too short and contains no real sense of atmosphere. The character is rather wooden, you use the word race (in whatever form) too much. The scene itself has potential and should be worked on albeit by showing and not, as you've done, telling.

I'll list the things to think about.

bizarrely dark

Why is it bizarre that four in the afternoon should be dark? I'm not from Louisiana, which is implicitly implied as the setting, and so don't know the weather. Where I am it gets dark at four in the afternoon in winter - although it would be strange if it were dark at that time in the summer. Bizarrely is probably the wrong word here. Unusually!

gradually made his way
Gradually implies stopping and starting. In what way did he make his way? Was he going exceptionally fast? Was his car crawling down the highway? Was he noticing anything out the window or was it all going too fast to concentrate on any one thing?

a nervous rush
This is clumsy. What exactly is a "nervous rush" - be more verbose, less cliched, and show the panic. Although what he's nervous about isn't really explained. All he seems to be complaining about is some deadline.


trembled a bit
In what way did it tremble? Show us his arm shaking. Does he notice that it's trembling? What's his reaction? How long does it tremble for?

From behind he noticed a speeding car
From behind what? By "speeding" do you mean a car exceeding the prescribed speed limit, or a car going very fast? In a sense all things moving are speeding as opposed to stationary - they just go a different speeds.

the car passed him up
Maybe this is a phrase you use but I've never heard it used before and it doesn't make sense although I do understand what you are trying to say. In what way did the car pass him? Too close or with a fair distance between them? Did the passing car go through a puddle causing an unexpected splash on his window? Did he see the driver? Did the car have its lights on? How did the water reflect these lights?

rain that accumulated
That sounds too technical/scientific. Collected, for example, would be fine.

a complete halt
When you halt, you stop. A halt will always be complete. You can drop the word - it's redundant. Was there any sound? Did tyres screech?

the ditch on the side of the highway
This should be a ditch because having the ditch (especially when the ditch is first mentioned here) sounds as if every highway is expected to have a ditch at its side.

The warm, rust tasting liquid fell into his mouth from the top of his forehead
Just say blood and cut the cliched stuff. Is it really "falling" or is it dripping, trickling, running, etc ?
He struggled for a moment
With what? His emotions? A physical thing? In what way did he struggle? Did he kick and push? Did he just shake his body? What was resisting him? Did it hurt? Did it worsen his situation?

The pain of his headache became overwhelming.
Let's see his face grimacing with the pain.

noisy creaking
Creaking is a noise so noisy becomes redundant. You probably mean that it's loud. Did it cause hairs to rise on the back of his neck? Does it have the same effect as nails scraping a blackboard?

to speak in his deep sinister voice
Does he have other voices that he uses? Or is it a deep sinister voice? What's sinister about it? How is it sinister?

Brandon turned just in time
Where was the weapon? Behind him? The reason I ask is that he is already looking at the person holding it.
 
"the car passed him up"

This is not an American saying, and quite strange to read. It makes me stop and read it at least twice since.

I wondered why the dudes head is bleeding? Was he bleeding from the head when he got in the car? He hit nothing in the spin-out. Or did he?

I, personally would probably not read much more of this if it's continued in the same fashion.
 
Thanks for the help

Very helpful information. I actually cut the opening scence down because last time I wrote it I wrote to much. I made it seem like the person who died was actually the primary character. So I cut it down leaving the readers to think about what happens next. Left questions unanswered. Aren't I suppose to do that. I guess everyone had their own opinions right? Thanks again! A lot to think about here.
 
This is a copy of the first one. Which is better?

The television flickered on and off from across the room. While it flickered on, it provided a subtle light through the darkness. The small room and its tepid, humid temperature made it difficult to breath. When the soft light of the old black and white set bounced around over the four walls, all that could be seen were trophies and sports memorabilia.

The weather man’s report blinked on and off the screen of the television, announcing impending severe thunder storms with flash flooding. The wind outside of the room wrapped around and whistled with a dreadful howl. The old wooden house, on the corner of Norward and Sue Street, shook with the vibrations of the thunder. The house was lit up only for a few brief seconds, as bloodcurdling lightning bolts shot down.

Brandon Conner peeled himself off of his full sized bed against the wall. Small beads of sweat lined the top of his forehead. When he finally pushed himself up onto his feet, he could feel his head spinning. He anxiously made his way through the dark room, trying to catch his breath, when he found the door knob. After opening the door that lead to the hallway he was approached with even more darkness.

“Hello, anyone here?” He called out into the emptiness of the house.


He didn’t receive an answer. What’s going on he thought? He made his way, stumbling over, to the double light switch in the living area and tried to turn it to the up position. No light. No sound. He peered out of the window and was surprised to see blackness at four in the afternoon. The large oaks swayed fiercely, dropping acorns from their branches. The tapping of the falling fruit of the oaks resembled the sound of hail.

The back door swung open as Peggy Conner tried desperately to come inside and close the door behind her. The wind was to strong. He helped her inside, and after a short struggle with the wind managed to shut the door. She walked over to the table in the small kitchen, and placed a candle in the holder. Her eyes gestured for Brandon to light the wick.

Suddenly the kitchen was lit up by the dim light of the small candle. Peggy’s hair was standing straight up on her head as a result of the fierce wind outside.

“God I hope my customer makes it home okay. I couldn’t finish her hair after the electricity went out.” Peggy remarked with a sense of concern in her voice.

“Mom, I thought you hated that lady?”

“Well I don’t like having to do her hair. She’s very picky, but I don’t want anyone to get hurt just because I don’t particularly like to do their hair.”

“Do you have any other candles? I need to find something in my room.”

“No I don’t, but I do remember a flash light in the bathroom. I’m not sure if it works though.”

“Well let me borrow this candle for a minute so I can find out.”

Brandon found the flash light. After several shakes the light came on. He returned to the kitchen and placed the candle back on the table for Peggy. Before his mother could speak again to question him, he already had begun his walk to his room down the hall.

Brandon fretfully searched his unkempt room to find the envelope. Under a pile of dirty laundry he found it. He made his way back to his bed and sat down. The only writing on the envelope said “Please deliver to 112 South Union Street in Opelousas” in messy cursive handwriting. On top of the brown envelope he noticed the yellow post it note that read, “Please deliver no later than March 1st 2005.” He shined the flash light across the room to view the date on the calendar. March 1st 2005. “Oh my God, I have to deliver this today” he mentioned out loud.

“Deliver what?” Peggy asked as she peered through his room door with the candle in her hand.

“I had a deadline for my World History class. Today is the cut-off date. I have to go to the library in Opelousas.”

“Right now? The weather is too bad.”

“Mom, I’m twenty years old, its time you let me think for myself.”

“I know honey, but you know I worry about my children.”

“Well mom you don’t have to worry about me. You taught me well. I can drive under any circumstance.”

“Okay” She whispered as her voice trailed off down the hallway.

He pulled a dingy shirt over his bare chest from the pile of dirty laundry. He slipped on his favorite pair of faded Levis and grabbed the envelope. Before he walked out of his room, he managed to kiss the picture of his soon to be fiancé, which was pinned to the cork board on the wall. As he rapidly made his way out of the house, Peggy yelled out “Be Careful”.

The rain drops, bit by bit, made their way down from the black clouds that blocked the sunlight. Brandon hopped into his green Isuzu, and pulled close the door despite the potent force of the wind. Once inside, he felt the gurgling of his stomach. The same familiar gurgle of nervousness he experienced before a test, or when he finally popped the question to Candice, or before that big important football game.

He pulled on his seat belt, and took a deep breath hoping that would calm him. He adjusted his rearview mirror, and used his hands attempting the fix the pile of thick brunette mess that sat on top of his head. His green eyes were somewhat blood shot and puffy. God I look horrible he thought. He took off down the broken road that desperately needed fixing.

As he made his way down the now desolate highway south to Opelousas, he turned up the radio, hoping that it would provide a distraction to his troubled racing thoughts. The rain was now pouring down in thick white sheets across his wind shield. His wipers were hardly able to keep up.

Blinding light from the vehicle behind caused him to turn the rear view mirror up. Who could be out in this weather? If I didn’t have to meet this deadline I would still be at home where it’s safe. He thought to himself, as the vehicle moved closer. The fast pace of the car left him with a feeling of disquiet. He could finally see the emblem of the Honda Accord that was now bumper to bumper with his Isuzu.

He noticed the yellow flashes of light, from the Accord behind, signaling to pass him up. When the driver bumped the horn and waved, Brandon’s eyes were filled with terror, at the sight of the familiar face on the side of him. He looked forward as to ignore the driver that remained even with his truck. He gradually reached down for his cell phone and dialed Eric Doucet’s number. After only the first the ring the call dropped, and the face of the phone flashed “Signal Faded”. Just then the Accord side swiped his truck.

His head spun out of control when he let go of the wheel. The loud screech of the tires slowly came to an abrupt halt. The air bag deployed, and his vision was filled with darkness. He was able to tell that he was alive only by the warm, rust tasting liquid that dripped from the top of his head into his mouth.

The door opened allowing rain to pour in washing the dark red blood that clouded his view. Chills ran up his spine when he felt the face of the man next to him move closer to his cheek.

“I don’t want to have to do this, but it’s to protect those who will be harmed by what you are about to do.” The deep sinister voice mumbled.

Before he could move it was over. The tire wrench slammed into his
head full force.
 
laboi_22 said:
So I cut it down leaving the readers to think about what happens next.

While I don't know where you are going with it and since you say this character dies within the first pages then I have to question the whole point of it. What's necessary here? We learn nothing about the character or the killer.

Why not start with the crime scene? Maybe you could begin with a minor character who discovers the car - by accident - with the guy lying dead in it. This, in my opinion, would create more questions to answer.
 
For what it's worth, although it's still not something I would necessarily read myself, I think the long version above is better.
 
"The rain was now pouring down in thick white sheets across his wind shield. His wipers were hardly able to keep up.

Blinding light from the vehicle behind caused him to turn the rear view mirror up. Who could be out in this weather? If I didn’t have to meet this deadline I would still be at home where it’s safe. He thought to himself, as the vehicle moved closer. The fast pace of the car left him with a feeling of disquiet. He could finally see the emblem of the Honda Accord that was now bumper to bumper with his Isuzu."


If the light is blinding, and the rain is coming down so hard he can hardly see what's in front of him, how is he going to be able to determine what kind of car is behind him, and how is he going to be able to specifically see the emblem on the grill of the car?

"He noticed the yellow flashes of light, from the Accord behind, signaling to pass him up. When the driver bumped the horn and waved, Brandon’s eyes were filled with terror, at the sight of the familiar face on the side of him. He looked forward as to ignore the driver that remained even with his truck. He gradually reached down for his cell phone and dialed Eric Doucet’s number. After only the first the ring the call dropped, and the face of the phone flashed “Signal Faded”. Just then the Accord side swiped his truck."

"Pass him up" again is really a strange way of putting this. You really need to change that. Yellow flashing lights usually means something along the lines of a construction type vehicle or tow truck. They are warning lights, not like a police car or ambulance red flashing light that would signal the intent to pass.
Flicking the high beams quickly could also show an intent to pass.

Not crazy about phrases like "bloodcurdling lightning bolts" , and "bit by bit" when refering to the rain drops.

I'm not sure where you're going with the constantly asking for opinion after opinion in your writing? Are you a student? Are you out of school? How old are you? What are you trying to accomplish here at this forum? You have numerous posts on getting published, and numerous posts on asking for critiques of your writing abilities. You seem to be going in circles. At some point you are either going to have the story you wrote, or the story that you've changed so much because of all the writes, and re-writes based on the opinions you've gotten from other people. It will become less and less yours.

Are you asking for specific details of things people like and don't like about your writing, or if they like or dislike the general story itself? What is it exactly you want from this forum and your questions?
 
ok, yeah. Born in 1980 and a nurse. So I have to assume a high school graduate, and at least a few years of college courses including college level English and possibly technical writing.

There are plenty of resources for creative writing techniques, and laboi_22 has certainly been through plenty of writing/English classes, recently, where content and context are graded.

Maybe laboi_22 should put down the Dan Brown stuff and go to the library? Look up some books on writing techniques and publishing? Pick up "The Writers Market" type books? Find out what specific publishers are looking for and read those kind of books? "The Writers Market" will tell you this in specific details, by specific publishers.

So now I'm really interested in exactly what he is looking for from TBF members. General comments on his overall writing, or specific comments on grammer, or specific comments on descriptive content, or what?
 
I think tone, grammar, description, and dialogue need to be worked on along with more thought to how saying one thing sets rules within the test (i.e. it was a dark night, he could see for miles is wrong).
 
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