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Bad Sex Award

RitalinKid

New Member
From Edition.CNN.com

Tom Wolfe wins bad sex award
Passage in 'Charlotte Simmons' called 'ghastly'

Monday, December 13, 2004 Posted: 2106 GMT (0506 HKT)

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- American author and journalist Tom Wolfe won one of the world's most dreaded literary accolades on Monday -- the British prize for bad sex in fiction.

The prize is awarded each year "to draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel."

Wolfe won it for a couple of purple passages from his latest novel "I am Charlotte Simmons," a tale of campus life at an exclusive U.S. university.

"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue," one of his winning sentences begins.

"But the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns -- oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest -- no, the hand was cupping her entire right -- Now!"

Judges described Wolfe's prose as "ghastly and boring." Wolfe has said in interviews he intended the book's sexual descriptions to be dry and clinical.

The former newspaper correspondent, whose debut novel "Bonfire of the Vanities" was a defining text of the 1980s, fought off stiff competition from 10 other authors, including South African Andre Brink, whose novel "Before I Forget" contains the following description of a woman's vulva:

"(It was) like a large exotic mushroom in the fork of a tree, a little pleasure dome if ever I've seen one, where Alph the sacred river ran down to a tideless sea. No, not tideless. Her tides were convulsive, an ebb and flow that could take you very far, far back, before hurling you out, wildly and triumphantly, on a ribbed and windswept beach without end."

Another writer who only narrowly escaped the prize was Britain's Nadeem Aslam for his novel "Maps for Lost Lovers," a tale of life in a Muslim community in an English town.

"His mouth looked for the oiled berry," one of his raunchiest passages starts.

"The smell of his armpits was on her shoulders -- a flower depositing pollen on a hummingbird's forehead," another reads.

The winner of the award, organized by the London-based Literary Review, is given an Oscar-style statuette and a bottle of champagne -- but only if he or she comes to the awards ceremony in person.

Organizers said Wolfe, who is based in New York, was the first writer in the 12-year history of the competition to decline his invitation.

http://edition.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/books/12/13/odd.literature.sex.reut/index.html

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Does anybody know if Bill O'Reilly has ever won this award? Al Franken put a horrible excerpt of a sex scene from an O'Reilly book in Lies and The Lying Liars Who Tell Them. I'm more libertarian than conservative and more conservative than liberal, but the book was hilarious.
 
Some more winners. :D :D :D

2001 Christopher Hart Rescue Me
"Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north. Heading unnervingly and with a steely will towards the pole ... Ever northward moves her hand, while she smiles languorously at my right ear. And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror -- she will surely want to pitch her tent."

2000 Sean Thomas Kissing England
"It is time, time ... Now. Yes. She is so small and compact and yet she has all the necessary features ... Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman. She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa ... Aiwa"

1998 Sebastian Faulks Charlotte Gray
"Meanwhile her ears were filled with the sound of a soft but frantic gasping and it was some time before she identified it as her own."

1997 Nicholas Royle The Matter of the Heart
"She made a noise somewhere between a beached seal and a police siren."

1996 David Huggins The Big Kiss: An Arcade Mystery
"Liz squeaked like wet rubber."

1995 Philip Kerr Gridiron/ The Grid
"Detaching mind from over-eager gnomon and its exquisitely appointed, shadowy task, he began to make love to her."

1994 Philip Hook The Stonebreakers
"Their jaws ground in feverish mutual mastication. Saliva and sweat. Sweat and saliva. There was a purposeful shedding of clothing."

Try this link for more winning passages. But be aware that these are quiet explicit (and pretty hilarious).
 
Gizmo said:
"It is time, time ... Now. Yes. She is so small and compact and yet she has all the necessary features ... Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman. She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa ... Aiwa"
I think that is said by a person who need to get out more... I wonder how many women find it romantic to be compared to a walkman, maybe I should give it a try :)
 
Great post, Gizmo. Those are the worst. I would point out one to make fun of, but they're all absolutely terrible.
 
Gizmo said:
Some more winners. :D :D :D

2001 Christopher Hart Rescue Me
"Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north. Heading unnervingly and with a steely will towards the pole ... Ever northward moves her hand, while she smiles languorously at my right ear. And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror -- she will surely want to pitch her tent."
..........
LOL :D
 
Gizmo said:
Some more winners. :D :D :D

2001 Christopher Hart Rescue Me
"Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north. Heading unnervingly and with a steely will towards the pole ... Ever northward moves her hand, while she smiles languorously at my right ear. And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror -- she will surely want to pitch her tent."

Oh. My. God.
 
I just had to take a plane trip, so I spent it reading an issue of Cosmospolitan cover to cover (it was either that or Maxim). Based on the 2 page excerpt of "Fatal Embrace", I will never read anything by Aris Whittier. On top of absolutely no variety in sentence structure (subject, predicate. subject, predicate. etc.), the author actually referred to a "throbbing member."
 
RitalinKid said:
"But the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns -- oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest -- no, the hand was cupping her entire right -- Now!"

Judges described Wolfe's prose as "ghastly and boring." Wolfe has said in interviews he intended the book's sexual descriptions to be dry and clinical.

Well he surpassed his own expectations: it was dry, clinical and crap.

Otorhinolaryngological??!? *looks for a dictionary*
 
Hi Beer Good: I clicked on the link and I remember I did read his intimate scene in The Affair - I can see what is meant by bad sex. I think it's probably the product of a writer who doesn't write many 'romantic' scenes - on reading it again it comes off as amusing and certainly not what might be called sizzling sex - with apologies to Lee whose books I really enjoy for their action.
 
This year's nominees.

• The Quiddity of Wilf Self, by Sam Mills
Down, down, on to the eschatological bed. Pages chafed me; my blood wept onto them. My cheek nestled against the scratch of paper. My cock was barely a ghost, but I did not suffer panic.

• Noughties, by Ben Masters
We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amonst the pillows and cool sheets. We trawled each other's bodies for every inch of history.

• Back to Blood, by Tom Wolfe
Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle's own lips and maw — all this without a word.

• Rare Earth by Paul Mason
He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum, but missing — his paunchy frame shuddering with the efford of remaining rigid and upside down.

• The Yips by Nicola Barker
She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard.

• Infrared by Nancy Huston
This is when I take my picture, from deep inside the loving. The Canon is part of my body. I myself am the ultrasensitive film — capturing invisible reality, capturing heat.

• The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine
And he came. Like a wubbering springboard. His ejaculate jumped the length of her arm. Eight diminishing gouts. The first too high for her to lick. Right on the shoulder.

• The Adventuress: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox by Nicholas Coleridge
In seconds the duke had lowered his trousers and boxers and positioned himself across a leather steamer trunk, emblazoned with the royal arms of Hohenzollern Castle. 'Give me no quarter,' he commanded. 'Lay it on with all your might.'
 
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