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Hurricane Katrina

DeathScape

New Member
This is dedicated to the people in New Orleans.



Josh is a thirteen year old boy with a hazel eyes, brown hair, tan skin, and golden smile. Today was his birthday, a party at his house. It was going to be great, and he would finally ask the girl of his dreams to go out with him. He thought that he had chance. He knew that he had a chance. The story begins in a city called New Orleans…



The door rang, and Josh dashed to it. He opened it to find it was Nick, Mark, and Tom. They were his best friends.
“Hey, hey!” said Josh has he high fived John’s hand.
“Hi,” said Nick.
Josh saw their presents in their hands.
“Oh, just put your presents over on the table,” said Josh.
So John, Jake, and Josh did.
“Anyone else her yet?” said Mark.
“No, you guys are the first,” said Josh.
“Okay, cool,” said Mark.
“Wanna play a game while were waiting?” said Josh.
“Like what?” said Tom.
“Pool?” said Josh.
“Okay, let’s go,” said Nick.
The four of them headed down stairs. They all grabbed a pool stick.
“Okay, I’ll go first,” said Josh.
“We gotta brake first,” said Tom.
“Oh yeah, silly me,” said Josh.
“Silly me? Dude, are you fuckin’ gay?” said Tom.
“Are you… fuckin’ gay?” said Josh.
“I see what’s going on, considering you can’t think of a come back, you’re destine for something that-“
“That’s great and all, but we don’t care,” said Tom as he interrupted Mark.
“Dude, brake! said Nick after a long pause.
Oh yeah, he aimed the ball at the other pile of balls, and just as he was about to hit the door bell rang, and he knocked the ball at an angle.
“Damn it!” said Josh.
“Get it!” said Mark.
“Oh yeah,” said Josh.
He ran up stairs and opened the door to find a girl, a girl who he liked. Her name was Jane, and she had long blonde hair, blue eyes, tan skin, and cute smile.
“Jane, hi!” said Josh.
“Can I come in?” she said.
“Sure, make yourself at home,” said Josh.
She stepped in.
“Nice place,” said Jane.
“Thanks,” said Josh.
She sat down.
“Is anyone else here?” said Jane.
“No,” Josh lied.
“Well then, I gotta show you something,” said Jane.
Josh swallowed.
“Don’t tell anyone but-“
And then boom! Out of no where came a wave destroying his house. The five of them were taken by force of the water, and drifted away into different directions. Josh didn’t know what to do. Was he going to die or live? He finally went above the water and climbed on a roof top, and rested there, but then the wave hit him, and was under water again, he needed a longer breath.
 
The hurricane was almost over, Josh sat on a roof top, and wondered what would happen. The sky was dark, and then he felt a rain drop hit him. And then a big storm came, and Josh wailed. He was all alone, he didn’t have any food, he didn’t have any water, he didn’t have anything to entertain him, and mostly, he didn’t have anyone to comfort him. He felt asleep, even though it was raining pretty hard.



Josh woke up and saw the sky, and wondered why he saw the sky. Then he looked around and saw that everything was destroyed, there was a hurricane last night, he finally remembered. He got up and looked for people he knew, if they were alive.
Hours passed and he saw no one. But he still had hope. He saw a big board with someone under it. It was Nick. He lifted it up.
“Nick!” said Josh.
“Josh?” said Nick weakly.
“Yeah,” said Josh.
“We need to get out of here, fast,” said Nick.
“Right,” said Josh.
“We could die of hunger. We gotta walk pretty far,” said Nick.
Josh heard a noise, and looked up. There was a helicopter.
“Nick! There’s a helicopter coming to save us,” said Josh.
“Yay!” said Nick.
But then gun shots came, and they were headed for the plane.
“People are shooting at the plane,” said Josh.
“In the time to band together, humans don’t, they try to get whatever they want, it’s just the way of life, just like in Lord of the Flies,” said Nick.
Josh remembered the movie and shuddered.
“Well, I guess we might as well go,” said Josh.
“We need a boat,” said Nick.
“We’re gonna have to walk,” said Nick.
“Wait, aren’t we gonna find Mark, Tom, and Jane?” said Josh.
“Josh… The chances of them being alive aren’t high,” said Nick.
“But there’s a chance,” said Josh.
“Yeah, but are bodies will explode without food or water,” said Nick.
“Ummm… explode?” said Josh.
“Just your organs,” said Nick.
“Oh, okay,” said Josh.
“But we aren’t going to look for them. I know we like them, but they’ll probably find someone else to venture with,” said Nick.
“Well, if you don’t wanna come with me…” said Josh.
“Josh! Come on!” said Nick.
Josh started walking on the roofs again.
“Okay, fine, we’ll look for them,” Nick.
“Find them,” said Josh.
So they both started searching.
After hours of searching, they saw three familiar faces, but they were far apart from each other, remember that all the walking is mostly on roofs.
Nick and Josh were on a pink roof, and Mark, Tom, and Jane were on a blue roof. Mark jumped to the pink roof with no effort. Tom jumped next, he just made it. It was Jane’s turn. But she didn’t jump.
“Jane, you gotta jump!” shouted Josh.
“I’m too scared,” said Jane.
“I’ll catch you,” said Josh.
“Okay,” said Jane.
So Jane jumped from the blue roof and landed in Josh’s arms. He let go of her, but she slipped off and fell into the water.
“Damn it!” shouted Josh.
Mark laughed.
Josh bent down and reached for Jane. He grabbed her and lifted her up on the pink roof.
“Sorry,” said Jane.
There was a pause.
“What do we do now?” said Tom.
“I dunno,” said Josh.
And right in front of Josh’s head came a bullet.
“Shit!” said Josh.
“What was that?” said Tom.
There was another fire, and this hit Tom’s leg. Tom began saying every cuss word ever.
“Tom!” shouted Josh.
“I’m gonna die!” said Tom.
“No you’re not, it’s the leg,” said Josh.
Another bullet came right past Josh’s head. Josh looked around and saw a man on one roof shooting at another man with a gun. So they were in between the roofs. On the four shot, one of the men finally died. Then the surviving man jumped over to the roof Josh was on.
“Give me every thing you have,” said the man.
“We have nothing,” said Josh.
“What about you’re clothes?” said the man.
“Are you fuckin’ gay?’ said Tom.
“Shut up!” the man said as he shot Tom’s foot.
“Awww!” said Tom.
Josh knew that Tom would die in the end of this.
“Too bad,” said Mark. “We’re not giving you our clothes,” said Mark. “Plus, what would you possibly need them for, we’re shorter than you.”
“I don’t need to give you reasons,” said the man.
There was a pause.
“Well, then I guess I might as well kill you,” said the man.
But as the man pointed the gun at Josh, the man was killed. Everyone looked around to see that it was one of their friends, Jason. He wasn’t Josh’s best friend, but he liked him.
“Jason?” said Josh.
“Yeah,” said Jason.
“You have a gun?” said Josh.
“Yeah, I got a couple, here take some,” said Jason as he handed a gun to everyone.
“Thanks for saving us,” said Jane with a smile.
“No problem,” said Jason. “I was going to you’re party, but then the hurricane approached, so I jumped out of the car, but my mom probably died.”
“Sorry to hear that,” said Josh.
“Where are you’re parents?” said Jason.
“We don’t know,” said Mark.
“Oh,” said Jason.
There was a pause.
“Without further to do, I say we look for a house to live in,” said Jason.
“What did you call me?” said Tom.
“I said let’s look for house to live in,” said Jason.
“Oh, I thought you said… Never mind,” said Tom.
“Right, then let’s go,” said Jason.
They walked on the roof tops ‘til they found a perfect town, but it was a little flooded.
“Nice town,” said Jason.
“It’s okay,” said Tom.
“Best we can do,” said Jason.
Jason walked over to a door and checked if it was open. He pushed open the door and walked inside.
“I’m sure the owner won’t mind if we eat anything,” said Jason.
“I bet he will,” said Josh. “Considering that there’s not that much food left in New Orleans.”
“Where the hell is Bush on this one?” said Tom.
“He’s not a good president; even I knew he wouldn’t come. The second day, and still nothing,” said Jason.
“But we did get like three hundred soldiers,” said Tom.
“Let’s eat,” said Jason.
Josh went over to get some snacks.
“Ummm… What do you guys want?” said Josh.
“Pretzels,” said Tom.
“Fritos,” said Mark.
“Chips,” said Jason.
“Pop Tart,” said Nick.
“I’ll have anything,” said Jane.
“Okay, then we’ll make that a banana?” said Josh.
“Sure,” said Jane.
“Okay, I’m going to have a banana too,” said Josh.
“You said snacks, not fruit,” said Tom.
“Better health than sorry,” said Josh.
Josh gave everyone their snack and talked.
As they were talking, the door pushed open, and they saw a man.
“You’re eating my food!” said the man.
“We’re sorry!” said Josh.
But the man grabbed a pipe and hit Tom with it. Josh rushed over and checked his pulse.
“He’s dead!” said Josh.
“Same with ten thousand other people,” said the man. “Let’s make it one thousand six.”
“We’re sorry we took your food, we’ll leave if you don’t kill us,” said Josh.
“I got a better idea,” said the man. “Why don’t you stay over night. I’m sorry I over reacted. You can sleep in my beds, but you can’t touch my food.”
“Yeah, well we forgive you for smashing our friend’s head open,” said Josh.
A couple of hours later the five of them decided to get some sleep. They headed upstairs to find only two rooms.
“You only have two rooms!?” Josh said to the man.
“Yes, there are three bunk beds there,” said the man.
“Wow, pretty small house,” said Mark.
“Yeah, my kids would say the same,” said the man.
“You have kids?” said Josh.
“Had kids,” said the man. “They died in the hurricane.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Josh.
“No you’re not,” said the man.
“What’s your name?” said Josh.
“Call me George,” said the man.
“Okay,” said Josh.
“Now I think you should get some rest,” said George.
“Yes, sir!” said Josh.
“It’s George,” said George with a smile.
 
So the five kids went in the room. Josh and Jason bunked. Mark and Nick bunked. Jane had the two beds to herself, but it didn’t matter anyways because she could only lie in one.
“Good night guys,” said Josh.
“Good night,” said the other four kids.
They all fell asleep after a while. But during the night Josh heard a noise. He saw the man with a knife.
Josh took his gun Jason gave him and said, “Stop right there!”
The man lowered the knife.
“What were you gonna do?” said Josh.
But the man tried to stab Mark, but Josh shot him before he could stab him. Of course the four kids woke up.
“What was that?” said Nick.
“I killed the man,” said Josh.
“Why!?” said Nick.
“He was trying to stab Mark,” said Josh.
“Of all the kids,” said Mark.
“Yeah, well let’s get back to sleep,” said Josh.
“There’s a dead body on the ground,” said Nick.
“The police all quit,” said Josh.
“Well you know what they say, when in Rome,” said Nick.
“Ummm… Okay?” said Josh.
“Never mind, let’s just go back to sleep,” said Nick.
So they all did, but a couple of hours later Josh woke up again. Josh listened, and then saw a gun shot come from the first floor of the house. Josh shot back down, and knew the other four must be awake too. More shots were fired every second.
“Guys, were being attacked!” said Josh.
“No shit,” said Mark.
“Okay, Jason and I will go downstairs and fight, Mark and Nick stay up here and shoot below, and Jane, you just try to fall back asleep,” said Josh.
“No, I’m going to help them,” Jane said.
“Okay, fine,” said Josh.
Jason and Josh both walked downstairs. They were in front of a wall where the gangsters couldn’t see them.
“There’s three of them!” said Josh.
“Shhh!” said Jason. “Keep your voice down.”
Josh went a little past the wall and shot one of the gangsters, then went back to where he was before. Then the gangsters shot through the wall.
“Shit! I forgot they could shoot through the walls!” said Josh.
“Let’s go back upstairs,” said Jason.
“Yeah!” said Josh.
Another gangster was killed just as they were walking upstairs.
“We got one!” said Mark.
“Who?” said Josh.
“Jane!” said Mark.
“Good job,” said Josh.
“Thanks,” said Jane.
They eventually killed the last gangster.
“What do we do now?” said Nick.
“Go back to sleep?” said Josh.
“Okay,” said Nick.
 
Josh woke up to see everyone except him out of bed. He walked downstairs and smelled bacon and eggs. There were eight of each.
“Aren’t you making ten?” Josh said to Jane who was making the breakfast.
“No way!” said Jane. “Mark tried to take off my clothes while I was sleeping last night!”
Josh looked at Mark.
“Ummm… I gotta go to the bathroom,” said Mark.
Mark left the room.
“Thanks for the breakfast,” said Josh.
“No problem,” said Jane.
“Where are the bodies!?” said Josh.
“I just put them some where,” said Jane.
“Oh, okay,” said Josh.
“It’s almost down,” said Jane.
And a couple of minutes later it was done. Everyone got two sunny side up eggs and bacon except Mark.
“What am I supposed to eat?” said Mark.
“You should’ve thought of that before,” said Jane.
Jason coughed, and he kept coughing for a while.
“Jason? Are you okay?” said Josh.
“Yeah, but the water, it’s kind of bad for you,” said Jason.
“Oh yeah,” said Josh.
“Any news?” said Josh.
“Surprisingly the power works here,” said Jane. “Oh, and Bush went to the Super Dome.
“It’s about time the fat ass did something,” said Mark.
Jason coughed again.
“Guys, I think I’m gonna die,” said Jason.
“Yeah, and I’m Sy Enc,” said Mark.
“Who the hell is that guy?” said Josh.
“I just made him up,” said Mark.
“Jason, I think the hospital closed,” said Jane.
“Why?” said Jason.
“I don’t know, this city isn’t that bad. Probably because people without money always ask, with the hurricane and everything,” said Jane.
“I think I might be okay,” said Jason.
“Guys, is this going to be our home?” said Mark.
There was a pause.
“Wow, I never thought of that,” said Josh. “But I guess, there’s no where else to go.”
“The helicopters will take us to a family one day,” said Jason. “They have to!”
“Yeah, but we’ll probably never see each other again,” said Josh. We’ll have to go back to school and we’ll have a different family. We can’t live by ourselves.
Then the children heard a noise that sounded like a helicopter.
“Just in time!” said Mark.
They all ran outside. The man in the helicopter put a rope out for them to climb. They all climbed it, and they got inside the helicopter.
“Hi, my name is Adam, and I’ll be taking you to a homeless shelter in Arkansas,” said Adam.
“Homeless shelter! Homeless shelter! What the hell is that!? Don’t we go to an orphanage?” said Mark.
“Yeah, same thing,” said Adam. “I’m only doing this to get paid.
“Well good thing we know you care about your country,” said Josh.
“Are you retarded?” said Adam. “I just said I’m getting paid.
“Will you go!” said Jane.
“Oh yeah,” said Adam.
The air plane moved and the children could see thousands of people.
A couple of hours later people started shooting at them as they got to the places with more water.
“Get down!” said Adam.
The windows broke. Josh got worried. There were now tons of people shooting at them.
“Let us come too!” said some people.
“You can fit five other people in there!” said some people.
“Alright!” said Adam.
He started lowering the helicopter.
“What are you doing?” said Jason. “No, this never works out good, were gonna be killed!” said Jason.
The helicopter landed on a roof seconds later, where about fifty people were on. Five more got on.
“Okay, that’s enough,” said Adam.
But more people kept getting on.
“I can’t start the plane with you guys coming on!” said Adam.
Jane, Nick, Josh, and Jason were ripped out of the helicopter. The helicopter was too crowded for more people to get on. Josh then remembered Mark was still on it. He looked around and saw a man telling Mark to get off.
“I said no!” said Mark.
“Get off!” said the man.
“No!” said Mark.
He kicked the man.
“Go!” said Mark.
Adam then started making helicopter fly, and Mark tried to close the door, but there wasn’t enough room.
“There’s too many people on it!” said Mark.
“You’re going to have to have the door open,” said Adam. “We’ll drop some off in the next state up,” said Adam.
“I think that’s Arkansas,” said Mark.
“Hey!” No smart mouthing on my plane,” said Adam.
“I wasn’t smart mouthing, I was just-“
“Shut up!” said Adam.
“Sorry, sir,” said Mark.
“But let me just say that we were going to Arkansas anyways,” said Mark.
“No we were going to Illinois,” said Adam.
“You just made that up!” said Mark.
“Shut up!” said Adam.
Mark mumbled something that Adam heard.
“You know what!” said Adam.
“I said Adam rocks!” said Mark.
“Awww! You make me blush!” said Adam.
Gun shots were fired once again.
“I’m gonna get hit!” said Mark.
“Damn straight!” said Adam. “You better jump before you get shot.
But it was too late, Mark was shot, he fell out of the plane and landed on a building. Mark died. The man next to him closed the door now that there was enough space.
 
Back at the other part of the city: “Mark made it, and we didn’t,” said Josh.
“We should be happy fore him, he made it out okay,” said Jason.
“I know, but I miss him,” said Josh.
“At least we still have each other,” said Jason.
“If I could pick anyone to be stuck with at a time like this, it would be you guys,” said Jane.
They then stopped walking.
“Do it, man!” Nick said to Josh.
And then Josh leaned in for the kiss, Jane did too, and they both kissed.
“Awww! Isn’t that sweet!” said Nick.
They stopped.
“Well, we better go back to that one house,” said Jason. “Who knows how long we’ll be stuck here.
And the four friends walked happily to George’s house.




The End​



And yes, there will be a sequal.​
 
You can't be serious? :eek:

Or are you just being nice so as not to hurt the feelings of a thirteen year old?
 
You have a nice story there but the dialogue is too fast and confusing, some of your vocab could be worked on.

The pace needs to be slowed way down.

Kinda strange.
 
If Death Scape is only 13
Then His story is a Very good effort, was a great deal of work there.
& his Done much more than I ever have.
Keep it up Death Scape. :)
 
It's not that you should use other words since it's best only to use them when the tone used is not obvious. What you need to do is give more about the people, more about the setting, and more of them interacting with it. Here's a quick example I've put together.

"What's that?"
Simon turned to face the girl, smiled when he saw her pretty face. "It's a gumperstick."
A frown fell across the girl's face. "What's a gumpelstick?"
"No, no," Simon laughed, shaking his head, "a gumperstick."
She crossed her arms, tapped her foot. "That doesn't help."
"It's magic," he said, and gave it to her. "The man who gave me it said that I can use it to make things disappear."
"No he didn't," she giggle as she took it from his hands. Curious, she turned it over, and noted that it had many strange symbols etched into it. "What do all these mean?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Well," Simon said, retrieving the gumperstick, "the man didn't tell me."
"How does it work?"
Simon smiled. He had been waiting for her to ask that. "I tap what I want to disappear and say 'shalakazaam!'"
The girl looked away, trying not to let Simon see how silly she thought he sounded.
"You don't believe me?"
"Of couse I do," she said, suppressing a snigger.
Simon took her hand and she followed him as he led her to a nearby tree. "Watch this." He lifted the gumperstick up and tapped it against the tree. "Shalakazaam!"
Nothing happened.
The girl couldn't contain her laughter.
"Stop laughing at me," he said, and then shouted it again.
Then, without warning, a bubbling noise happened. They both looked at the tree. It had started to wobble. The girl stopped giggling and looked on in amazement as the tree shook from side to side and, with a wet plippy noise, it vanished before their eyes.
"Told you it worked," he said, teasing her with the gumperstick.
"Sorry." She couldn''t meet his eyes and then, looking up, "hey, can I have a shot?"
"I don't know," Simon said but, weakened by her fluttering eyelashes, he gave in and passed the gumperstick to her.
The girl tapped him with the gumperstick. "Shalakazaam!"
 
Motokid said:
ummm....by the way...It Katrina...not Katrima.....

Of all the words I spell wrong it's the title. Darn it!

And I made this in one day, I kind of just wanted to finish it. Yeah, I guess there was too much dialogue, too much swears, too much fights for a hurricane, but for the fighting part, I mean, like what else was there to put. I just didn't have any ideas for new stories, so I took Hurricane Katrina, and put stuff in there. Though, the only thirteen year olds I've seen with guns is from Iraq or the really hard to spell country.

Well you know what they say, "Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?"
 
You have some interesting parts in it. Just take some pointers from those who have kindly offered some input and rework it a bit. :)
 
Stewart said:
That explains why they have to shorten it to USA. :D

I was talking about Afganstan

Oh, and I finished the second one, it's a little bit longer, and tell me which one you like better if you choose to read the second one.
 
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