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It's time again!

L

laboi_22

New Member
I have taken much advice and have left the story I was working with alone, but however I have not ceased to write for it is in my blood. So here I have devised something new. Something I just wrote. Nothing serious though. It will not be made into a full story. I've just been writing for the hell of it, and just wanted to share my work with you all whom I respect and admire. Thanks for the help through the past few months.

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MURDER IN THE CLOTH

PROLOGUE

St. Mary’s College, Oscott—Birmingham, England 1988

Inside his safe dorm room, he sits alone. Shrouded by shadow, and veiled in silence, his eyes adjusting to the ever flickering light from a small candle. Hot wax drips and pools into a congealing mass at the base of the candle. The twisted shapes it creates resemble his pained soul. His pen moves sloppily in sorrow as he writes to his parents, spilling his regret for ever allowing them to prod him into the priesthood.

Dearest mother,

I’m afraid I’ve some terrible news. Upon conclusion of my level two year, I was summoned to the rector’s office. Rev. Frederick Black informed me that I was no longer able to continue my studies at this seminary. Unfortunately Mother, there have been some reports of my rather embarrassing and incriminating behavior here on campus. When the rector and the dean of studies got wind of these so called “immoral acts” I was immediately abolished from the program.

Mother it pains me so to tell you of these acts in which I engaged myself. I understand now mother, why you had me placed here all alone in this foreign country. I know of your embarrassment of me. I know now, but at the time I didn’t. Mother, I love you just as much as I love the Lord in which I was willing to serve for the rest of my days, but something evil has overtaken my soul. Something mother, that I can not control. Something that you have know and seen in me for a long time.

I did it Mother. I engaged myself in a sexual relationship with a young level one seminarian. Mother I am a homosexual. I’m sorry for the pain this must cause you and father. I’m sorry for the embarrassment inflicted upon our family, but I can’t hide forever behind the persona of the priesthood. In a very awkward way, I am glad that I’ve been caught, and that now you know about my secrets. I love this young seminarian whose name is Jonathan. I’ve loved him for a long time now. Please try to deal with this in the utmost respect for me and my life, just as I have done for you and father and your choices in life.

I will not return to the states. You will never again have to worry about me being an embracement among our family. I will disappear into the dark night outside of these holy walls tonight, as I am being forced out. Don’t ever forget my love for you and father and my brother and sister. Tell them everyday how much I care, and please take care of yourself. For my life there in the states is over as is my life here at St. Mary’s. I am about to embark upon a new chapter of my life, one that you will not respect, but nonetheless one that I have chosen to lead. May the mercy of the sacred heart of Jesus be with you, and the love of the virgin guide you for you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Respectfully Yours,

Your Son Daniel Brown.


And with the closing of his letter, his head hit with a loud thump against the wooden desk uncontrollably. The empty bottle of Lorazapam fell to the cement floor. Blood trickled out of the gaping wound on his head. Flashes of his mother, father then finally Jonathan filled his vision. With his last breath he whispered aloud “Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil; may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. O Prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who wander through the world for ruin of souls. Amen.”
 
Good idea.

I like the format of a "final letter home".

I still think you are trying too hard, though.

Technical:

"Mother it pains me so to tell you of these acts in which I engaged myself in."

in which I engaged myself.


The final "in" is redundant, and improper grammar. Never end a sentence with a preposition.

"Mother" should be capitalized when you are using it to address her. You can say "she is my mother", but should say "Mother, are you there?"

various typos and misspellings (to wit: "embracement" = embarrassment, "you're son" = your son)

Style:

laboi_22 said:
I have taken much advice
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I think you have received much advice, but am not sure how much you have taken.

You are still using cliche images and unimaginative adverbs and adjectives to 'tell' your story. Don't worry so much about intense description. Focus more on the story. Once, think of a story you know inside and out, maybe something from your childhood like the three little pigs or something, and write it down exactly as you would tell it to a child. Not as if you were writing for someone to read, but as if you were telling it out loud. See what you come up with.
 
Thank you so much for the advice. I have corrected the things you pointed out. I just find it hard not to write with great detail. I will try your suggestion for an excersice and see what happens. Thanks again for your input.

Justin
 
laboi_22 said:
I will try your suggestion for an excersice and see what happens. Thanks again for your input.
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I would love to see what you come up with. If you don't want to post it here, you can send it to me.
 
I would suggest you buy Josip Novakovich's Fiction Writer's Workshop. It breaks down the separate parts of storytelling (plot, setting, description, character, etc) and, at the end of each chapter, there is a list of writing workshops which, if you use them, can help your prose improve exponentially.
 
But I always come up with the same stuff. I'm just not good at showing what the character is doing. I knew writing couldn't be as easy as it seems.
 
It sounds, then, as if you are too strict upon yourself with respect to ideas; you get the idea and run with it, never stopping to consider other options.

Try the exercises again and , if you find yourself retreading old ground, then change the details. Reverse them. Substitute locations, characters, character's actions - if you continue to have the person being sympthetic to someone's accident then make that character laugh instead. It changes them and, as a knock on effect, it changes the complete dynamic of the story and the end result of the exercise is always something fresh.
 
Stewart makes some awesome points.

In Stephen King's book "On Writing" he has an excercise wherein you take a "tried-and-true" plot (man beats woman, goes to jail, gets out and seeks revenge) and reverse the roles (i.e. woman beats man, goes to jail, gets out and seeks revenge). Writing this excercise really opens you up to new possibilites and is a good way to avoid tired, overused ideas.

If writing were easy, every moron with a pencil would be a best selling novelist. I am glad it isn't easy.

Nothing worth doing ever is.
 
laboi_22 said:
Thanks but I already am in possesion of that book and I've done the exercises
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Here's another option for you that I often find useful, and use regularly in most of my own writing: try telling your story by not telling your story. In this, I mean to choose something you want to write about (a person, a place, a certain subject matter, etc.) and write around that person, or place, or subject matter, and not write the actual thing (or whatever) you want to write about. Watch some movies by Quentin Tarintino, such as Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, or the Kill Bill volumes, and you will get a better understanding of this. Pulp Fiction, for example, is a movie structured with obscure dialogue that has nothing to do with the story Quentin is trying to get across, but somehow serves purpose and we understand his story. My first novel, Palindrome Hannah, for another example, is somewhat of a meta-novel. It has five fucked up stories that combine like pieces of a puzzle to tell one giant story.

Yes, and read On Writing, by Stephen King. That book is a must for writers of any degree.
 
Thanks again for the advice. I wasn't even aware that Stephen King had a book titled on writing. I'll be sure to get it and read it. Thanks for all the advice. sirmyk I don't exactly get what you mean by telling the story around the characters or the plot rather, but perhaps I'll buy you're book. It seems really good and not to mention received nice reviews on amazon.com. Thanks again for all the help.

Justin
 
laboi_22 said:
It [Palindrome Hannah]seems really good and not to mention received nice reviews on amazon.com.
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While not wanting to be nasty I'd bear in mind that the three reviews on Amazon.com for Palindrome Hannah are by three people from California. Sirmyk is also from California. :)

I might consider it in the coming months, however, as I like to see new authors in the horror genre - shops in the UK typically stock King, Herbert, Laymon, Rice, Koontz, and a small selection of other authors such as Campbell, Barker, Fowler, Hutson, and Hamilton.
 
Stewart said:
While not wanting to be nasty I'd bear in mind that the three reviews on Amazon.com for Palindrome Hannah are by three people from California. Sirmyk is also from California. :)
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Yes, and I found out one of the reviews was from my sister! Since the novel came out not too long ago (under a small press), it was destined to stay for a while in California before branching out elseware. Even the newspaper review I posted on this forum was from the local hick town of Placerville (used to be called Hangtown), California where I grew up. But, hey, you've got to start somewhere, right? Finally word has spread to the greater Sacramento area, into parts of Oregon and Washington (the state), Utah, North Carolina, Alaska, and a few other states on the east coast. There are a few copies of PH floating around in Denmark, thanks to my sister-in-law who used to live there. There are eleven reviews I'm still waiting on from all over the country; once I get those I'll post them here for all to see, good or bad. Hopefully my novel will spread like a virus.

Thanks for even considering to read it. I love being called a "new and emerging horror author".

My background? Well, I went to elementary school, high school, college... I never took writing courses in any of my schooling, but I read like a motherfucker. I go through a book every few days or so. And I write about fifty pages a week (if I can find the time). Writing is not my occupation, by any means. Sure, it's everyone's dream to write full time, but for now it's only a hobby. I've found over time that reading improves writing. And writing improves writing.
 
laboi_22 said:
I still feel compelled to read it. It sounds great!
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Maybe if you ask sirmyk nicely he'll offer up one of his books to be given away for free in a TBF contest/giveaway? All he needs to do is contact Darren to get the details on how to get one up and running for a month.

I'd enter for a chance to win it.

So what say you sirmyk? Book Forum contest?
 
I would also enter to win. Down here in Louisiana there's not much to do but read and if it's good like I think it is. I've lots of friends who would buy it and try it out. I also belong to a book club and a writer's guild. So it would be helpful to sirmyk if he did put if up for grabs if I win or even if I don't I'll still buy it but I'll spead the word around here. He it wouldn't hurt to have a few more reviews added from the dirty south!!!
 
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