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Perception of reading/readers..from family?

Gaf

Gaf

New Member
First, I'd like to apologize if there's already a thread about this. I searched, and couldn't find one.

As I'm sure a lot of you celebrated Christmas yesterday, and as I'm sure a lot of you got books as presents :D I thought this might be an interesting topic of discussion. Yesterday was the first time where I really thought about how my family , as mostly all "non-readers" perceive me reading, or being a "reader."

Now, I got four books as gifts yesterday (which probably seems like nothing to most of you), one of which happened to be a Friedrich Nietzsche compilation from Barnes & Noble. At the top of the cover, it says "Essential Thinkers" then below that there's a little diamond shape, and right below THAT it says "Friedrich Nietzsche." When my step dad and brother both saw this, they looked straight up at the top and read "Essential Thinkers" and laughed, and said, "Oh yeah, because that's what Kevin(my name) is. An essential thinker." I was two feet away from them when they referred to me as if I wasn't there. This was said in a mocking tone with extreme sarcasm, followed by a few more laughs. It's strange, because I read the title differently. I thought the book was stating that it considered Friedrich Nietzsche an essential thinker, being a philosopher and all. I didn't say anything about the remark, other than mentioning it was a philosophy book, and later, when my sister saw the books, she asked "...Books? Is this what you asked for?" and glanced over them. After picking up the Nietzsche one she immediately read "Essential Thinkers," and asked me, "...is this some kind of self-inspiration book?" What, now my family thinks I'm depressed? "No, it's a book about a philosopher's ideas," I respond, but she gives me a "Hmm," seemingly not convinced, and walks away.

Now, the idea that I'm reading philosophy should come as no surprise to my family. I took Philosophy in High School, I considered taking Contemporary Philosophy this semester in college(a course that has a heavy focus on nihilism and even mentions Nietzsche in the class description - and I talked to some of my family about my classes - because they were considering registering, so I know they knew I was considering this), and I already own a few philosophy books to boot.

The idea that I'm reading PERIOD shouldn't come as a surprise either, as I've been consistently getting a few books every year for Christmas for quite some time now (the "why did you get books for Christmas.." look/tone that everyone gave me when seeing my gifts gave me the impression that it was a surprise). It seemed almost like they just remembered that I read upon seeing the books, and were saying "Oh yeah... reading... you still do that?? (why?)" as if it were something to outgrow and leave behind as I aged/matured in life. Every year has been a mild case of this, but this year (with other events going on [college] mentioned later) I felt much more "eyed" by my family for reading.

But more to the subject, I've never had as awkward of a feeling with my family about them looking at one of my books as I did with this one. Maybe it's just the subject, but I doubt they knew what it was before I told them, so maybe it was really the "Essential Thinkers" that caused the remarks. This more or less caused me to consider how my family might perceive me reading. I think half of my family perceives readers as snobby people who think they're better than everyone, so seeing the words "Essential Thinkers" on one of my books caused them to classify me as just that. A snobby reader who thinks he's an "essential thinker" of the world because he reads. That covers half of my family's thoughts, at least I think. Then the other half (including my sister asking if it's a self-inspiration book) seems to think of me reading as a sign of depression somehow. Remarks like, "Kevin reads... in his room... alone... sometimes until really late hours" are not uncommon for them to say to people I don't even know, in such a tone like it's quite possibly the strangest/loneliest act in the world. I read alone because I'm not sure how team reading would go, I read in my room because it's quiet in there, and I read at night for that exact same reason. I never thought of any of this as odd - I thought of it as normal when pertaining to reading.

A lot of this might also relate to the fact that I'm the youngest in the family, and the first one that's going to college. My two brothers work in a casino, one in a restaraunt inside the casino bussing, the other dealing cards. My sister works at a Chili's along with the card-dealer's wife, both as waitresses. Now, we're by no means rich (to give you an idea, those four books I got, plus two dvds and a gas card made up my whole of Christmas gifts). My mom, however, offered me a deal for school. If I went as a full time student, and didn't drop out, she'd pay for it, and I wouldn't need to pay rent, as she wanted me focused on school, not getting a job/working. I had heard her offering the same deal throughout the years to my three siblings who all graduated before me, and only one of them even attempted a semester, before dropping out a few weeks in. I thought of this as strange, because it was obviously a good deal, especially since I wanted to go to college to begin with. I noticed the trap each of them fell into once they got jobs instead of going to school. Once they had an income, they had to pay for their own expenses, which almost negated the whole purpose of their income. Sure, they had a little extra money, but nothing substantial that they wouldn't spend on fast food, clothes, and any other items of interest.
Even so, I get the "Oh yeah, Kevin doesn't HAVE to worry about anything, mommy pays for everything for him," remarks constantly, though not in those exact words always. Which sounds like someone is spoiled. I don't get anything bought for me, I'm just void of school/rent payments, and I have no income, so I don't own really much at all. I own much less than any of them. My life is "School, hang out(but nothing involving spending a lot of money), read... repeat." I'm very much content with it though. I don't understand, they were offered the same offer I was. All of them. She STILL offers it to them. She tells them, because she wants them to go to school, even though they might be financially bogged down by now, "If you want to go back to school, you won't have to pay rent, I'll pay for your schooling, and help with your car/phone/whatever payments.(mostly because they'd all bought new cars/phones/etc with their incomes)" None of them have taken her up on it. A few times, the brother who initially tried a semester, shows a little interest and asks me when registration dates are, but he never goes through with it. My sister is the same way. My other brother didn't even want to bother, he read a few poker books, figured he could make money that way. Eventually lost enough money to change career routes and start working IN a casino instead, as a table games dealer.
​
The reason why I'm mentioning this, is I think it's giving my family a bitter impression of me, because I took a different route than all of them, one they're unable to relate to. If I'm not working, I'm worthless and doing nothing but freeloading while reading and trying to be a pseudo-intellectual. This is all just my thoughts on how they're seeing this though, it could be entirely false, but it seems to hold true whenever any of this comes up. I read because I'm interested and I enjoy it, but I don't know if that's how they all see it.
​
So I think this all adds up to an extremely negative view of my reading. Either its a mocking tone when the fact that I read is mentioned, or it's the depressed/weird tone. No wonder not many people read. It seems like I've almost segregated myself from my family because of this bizarre act that I do, which I never considered bizarre. The only one unlike this is my mom, who gets just as excited as I do to roam a bookstore, though she doesn't have much time to read anymore.

I apologize (that's twice now :) ) for the length of this post, and the drifting points. I had a central idea coming into it, I swear.:p

So anyways, how do you think your family perceives reading, or you as a reader? Is your whole family full of readers and you get into discussions about plots and possible subtle ideas in books you've all enjoyed, or are you regarded as the "reader" of the family, different from everyone else and strange in your own way?
 
Gaf said:
First, I'd like to apologize if there's already a thread about this. I searched, and couldn't find one.
Click to expand...

Don't feel bad, even if you search, nothing shows up anyways, I know as I've done that myself more than once.:rolleyes:

For a somewhat related discussion, you might want to check out this thread, as well as this one. One of the more humorous threads relating to this can be found here and deals with whether or not a non-reader is good marriage material.:D To discuss how it all started, click here.

So anyways, how do you think your family perceives reading, or you as a reader? Is your whole family full of readers and you get into discussions about plots and possible subtle ideas in books you've all enjoyed, or are you regarded as the "reader" of the family, different from everyone else and strange in your own way?
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Awesome questions!. Reading is a big thing in my family and my sister's husband is very eclectic in his reading interests. We stood in front of his book case and discussed various books that he had. We discussed a book about pirates and how the cooks on British ships tended to be the wounded men who lost an eye or a limb and wanted to stay aboard-hence the depiction of a "cookie" as a peg-legged or one-eyed man. I read a few of his books that he had there, devoured The Da Vinci Code to finally see what all the fuss was about myself and finished reading it in three days. My sister enjoyed the book, but her husband hadn't read it yet. We had christmas at her house yesterday and she gave him Dan Brown's first book. We dont necessarily sit around and discuss sub-plots and analyze everything to the "inth" degree, but there were plenty of conversations about various books in the house. To not be a reader in my family is to be considered weird, or at least it will earn you the sympathy of my mother.:p
 
Gaf,
That's a heartfelt post and, I would guess, a very accurate view of the situation. However, I would offer the thought it is by no means abnormal or unusual, and certainly not your 'fault,' but that it is in fact part of what comes with going to college. One purpose of college is in fact to grow you up and give you a better perspective on a multitude of new topics, and if that also means growing you up and 'away' from your family, then so it does. That is not new, and I speak from experience when I say that you will find that your family still loves you despite the fact that you may seem like a strange new kind of person to them, which you will. Your mother sounds to me like the heroine in the whole thing and it is no mystery to me where you gained your love of reading and learning. Stick with it and you will come to have her steadfast and enduring interest also, no matter what others say, just as she does. And I think you will finally one day see them proud of you.
Peder
 
Hey Gaf.

I think Peder and SFG75 have pretty much hit the nail on the head with their posts. Yours seems to be a familiar story.

Don't let your feelings and the attitude of your family come between you. It would be easy to do that, what with the way such attitudes can make one feel.

I have experienced a similar kind of thing: I have a couple of creative pursuits and people often wonder why I'm still doing these things, because after all, if I've been doing them all these years, I can't be any good at it or I would have been 'successful' by now. (!?) People just totally miss the point. And it's the same with reading: we read to grow, not because we know it all.

BTW - that search function would be good if it worked properly!:)
 
Everybody in my house received at least one book yesterday, and most got ever so many more than just one. Dh gave me 4 that were on my amazon wish list, and he's reading one of them right now! I have pictures to prove how thrilled everyone was to get those books too. My oldest dd gave Trivial Pursuit Book Lover's Edition, and we played last night...what a hard game that is!
Now, if my cousins or mil had witnessed our fun, they would have thought we'd lost our minds. So what? If they don't get it, it is certainly their loss. We had a blast, and can continue to enjoy those literary gifts long after the new wears off the other toys.
 
Hello Gaf,

You've had some lovely replies, and believe me these people know what thier talking about.
I thought I would add in my two pence worth because, yes your story is familiar. I've always been a reader, there was a stage when i read ten books a week and everyone in my family didn't understand - it always puzzled them. The whole family get togethers used to give me nightmares because i knew i would get the sarcastic comments and the 'oh she's always got her nose stuck in a book' and the incredibly stupid 'she'll never find a husband' :rolleyes: I'm the only one in my family to have gone to University, so i completely understand your thoughts there.
When i was awarded my degree i took along the whole family to graduation, and you know what, they were really proud and would tell relatives and friends how hard i worked, despite all the obstacles and managed to get my degree. Very very slowly our relationship changed - they started recognising what reading and studying had done for me, they saw how people outside the family reacted to me. Slowly they bagan to respect me - to the point where they now always come to me for advice and help. At the moment there are 14 of my family members dotted around my house, they've been here since xmas eve and they won't be leaving until new years day (which is why i am hiding out in the office - pretending i have some work to do :D ) and i haven't had one sarcastic comment about my reading (although that could be because they don't want to annoy me as i'm the chef :rolleyes: )

But its been a struggle to get here, the thing is, our families - i'm the youngest as well - see us as the kid, they've seen us during our most embarrassing times and they remember all the stupid things we've said etc so its diificult for them to accept us our own individual people capable of making our own decisions. As long as you remember to always stay grounded and find ways of assuring them that you are still you and that you love them then eventually they will come to understand you and appreciate why you read and how its helped you. When your siblings have children of their own and they reach the 'reading stages' then you'll probably see a big change in your siblings attitudes.

anyway, all the best.

Gem
 
Majority of my family are readers, so I can't really relate, but I just wanted to say how great all the other replies are. I know how much I enjoy being able to discuss certain books with my father and especially my older brother, and couldn't even begin to imagine how horrible it would be to not be able to do that.

I think that you should just forget about what your family thinks about your reading - they're the ones that are missing out, not you.
 
When you quote your family members, they sound like people who know that they don't know much about books (and take it out on you, obviously).

My family has never given me a hard time about being the bookworm of the family. However, I can't help but notice that while they often recommend books to each other, my recommendations are for the most part ignored.
 
Gaf said:
The reason why I'm mentioning this, is I think it's giving my family a bitter impression of me, because I took a different route than all of them, one they're unable to relate to. If I'm not working, I'm worthless and doing nothing but freeloading while reading and trying to be a pseudo-intellectual. This is all just my thoughts on how they're seeing this though, it could be entirely false, but it seems to hold true whenever any of this comes up. I read because I'm interested and I enjoy it, but I don't know if that's how they all see it.
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I understand how you feel. I didn't start uni until I was 21 and by that time I was married and had had my first child only months before. When I visited my husband's family, my sister-in-law said, "So what are you doing this for? What, exactly, is it going to give you?" I didn't know what to answer, so I said nothing, but what I thought was, "It gives me a lot more than you!"

Sometimes I think that our family's reactions to what we do are not only based on the fact that they are different and can't understand, but sometimes I have to wonder if there is a litle bit of jealousy there also. You said that your siblings were all offered the same opportunities as you, yet they declined. Perhaps there is a small part of them that wishes they had of had the stamina to accept. Try not to let it discourage you. They'll accept it eventually and sooner or later they'll respect you for it also.

So anyways, how do you think your family perceives reading, or you as a reader? Is your whole family full of readers and you get into discussions about plots and possible subtle ideas in books you've all enjoyed, or are you regarded as the "reader" of the family, different from everyone else and strange in your own way?
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My mother doesn't read at all and neither does my brother. I asked my mum for book vouchers for Christmas and her reaction was, "Why do you always want that?" I explained to her that when I get a book it gives me the same feeling a litle kid gets when they get a toy. She bought me clothes. :)

On the other hand my dad and my sister and sister-in-law all read. My sister bought me a book and mu sister-in-law bought me a book voucher. :) My sister loves Harry Potter and as soon as she finished reading it she rang me to discuss it with me. My dad loves history, so whenever he reads anythng interesting he rings me to discuss what he has learned.

My husband is also a reader and he also bought me book vouchers because he knows how much pleasure I get going into Town and buying a bag full of books. And if we read the same book we do discuss it.

So, basically I have a mother and a brother who think that I "need to get out more" and a sister and father who understand completely why I would rather curl up at home with a good book. My mum will always think I'm strange because I love reading, but I will always think she's strange because she loves old time music. :) It's just that everyone is different and what one loves another may have absolutely no time for. I'm sure that at some point in the future your family will come to appreciate your difference. :)
 
When my step dad and brother both saw this, they looked straight up at the top and read "Essential Thinkers" and laughed, and said, "Oh yeah, because that's what Kevin(my name) is. An essential thinker." I was two feet away from them when they referred to me as if I wasn't there. This was said in a mocking tone with extreme sarcasm, followed by a few more laughs.
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I read your post a few days ago, but the passage quoted above really bothers me. It's one thing for people to think a person is a bit odd for reading, but if this is exactly what happened, then I'd say that your step-dad and brother owe you an apology. At a minimum, you should let 'ole dad know that you didn't appreciate the comment. People sometimes.:rolleyes:
 
I have a similar problem. I'm the oldest in my family and although I occasionally can get my 17 year old brother to read, he doesn't put it anywhere near top priority. My 19 year old sister doesn't read, except rarely a new best-seller crap novel. My dad used to read all the time... probably more than anyone else I know, but he doesn't read much now except Fish & Hunting publications and he doesn't remember much of what he used to read. My mom is too busy reading medical journals for work, my stepmom is a free spirit and I don't think she has read many of "the classics", and my step-dad hasn't read a book since college. So there's everyone I see regularly enough to discuss books with... and for the most part they all think I spend a lot of time "reading alone in my room" (as if I had the plague or there were other "better" ways to read). My friends generally don't read and if they do they don't want to discuss it...
Maybe thats it... maybe no one I know wants to discuss literature. I've heard one of my friends say in jest, "Print Is Dead". Well with the MTV generation, maybe it is and maybe this 12 story library I'm sitting in is full of useless decaying paper. But I'm still going to spend the rest of my life "reading alone in my room" as many as I can.
 
Hello Collegelife, Print ain't dead for sure! There are lots of lit lovers, bookheads, fantastic people here who will talk with you.
 
This thread is depressing: I see my life reflected on it.

My dad always thought my 'reading phase' would eventually go away, except it didn't, and then I enrolled in university, studied literature (a useless course, as my dad so delicately calls it), and graduated a few months ago. My parents paid all my expenses: tuition fees, transportation, books. In that they were pretty generous. But my father never once asked me how was I doing, what was I studying, was I enjoying it (which I was); he just never cared.

My brother, who decided not to go to university, ressents me because I did, although my parents gave him all the chances they gave me. He works like a mule in a factory, is underpaid, and his only life joys are drinking beer and playing videogames; and somehow he hates me because he sees me as someone who just spends the whole day reading in my room. In fact I lead a more active life than him: I'm studying for my driver's license, I work out at the gym every day, I go to job interviews. I have very little time for reading, but two hours a day makes me a lazy bastard :rolleyes:

My troubles come mostly from these two; fortunately everyone else in my family thinks reading is a great thing, and they just tell me not to pay attention to them :D I know I can go to my uncles' house and borrow books from them without getting sarcastic comments or funny looks, and my mom knows all I ever want for Christmas and Birthday is books.

And I still keep in touch with my university colleagues, who are always up for discussing books whenever we go out.

Unfortunately there's nothing one can do about people who think books are useless.
 
I think people are afraid of what they don't understand. Some people even go to the point of criticising it simply BECAUSE they don't understand it.

Gaf, it's unfortunate that your family (other than your mum) can not experience the joy that you have from reading your favourites. Some people just don't understand it, or don't find it enjoyable like the people on this forum.
I can sympathise to some degree. My family are also not big readers, other than my mum, but even then she doesn't read much. None of them share my excitement walking into a book store. And i'm the first in three generations of my family to even finish high school, let alone go to university. (I'm an aussie, so high school is grades 8-12)

I'm sorry your family makes you feel like that. It's not a nice feeling to feel that your family doesn't understand you, and doesn't get what makes you "tick". I've always felt myself as somewhat "Black Sheep" but that doesn't always have to be a bad thing. I've run against the grain of my family and I think it's more fulfilling for my life, and for theirs. They may not understand it but they'll probably do what my family does, and benefit from it eventually. I've gone on to study law, and because of my "difference" to my family, I am now a bit of a benefit to them. Free legal advice and "mates rates" ;)

At the end of the day, you must do what makes you happy. They may never understand. And I think it's important to try to not let the things that they say upset you...

Poking criticism at someone else (even family sometimes) is probably easier than admitting you don't understand and looking a little foolish to your younger sibling who's meant to look up to you.
:)
 
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