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1002 Things To Do With a bobbyburns
- Thread starter novella
- Start date
novella
Active Member
An Evening with Count Bobula, the virtual vampire
Scene 1: From a small hole drilled in the side of a coffin, three gray wires run, one to a power supply, one to a phone jack, one to a printer. Ticky-tacky keyboard sounds are heard from within.
Creak. Coffin opens.
“Gak. It’s still light out. ****.”
Creak. Coffin closes.
“Sigh.”
***************************
Scene 2: Count Bobula sits at a sushi bar looking bored. He pokes his chopsticks playfully into his date’s neck.
“Bobula, don’t be a pest,” says date. “Don’t you want your toro?” She eyes fish lump greedily, pointing with sticks.
“Fish are such bloodless creatures. They have nothing to offer me.” Bobula rolls his head dramatically for effect, but his date pays no attention.
“Can I have it then? Schlurp.” She scarfs the fish flesh before he can answer and breathes noisily through her nose while chewing. “Don’t be such a ghoul.”
“I hate watching you eat,” Bobula sighs. “And I’m bloody sick of ghoul jokes, too. I want to kill myself.” Despondent, he puts his forehead onto the sushi bar and rolls it back and forth.
“Ha ha, you’re funny,” says date. “You know you can’t do that. It’s whole big process. I can just step in front of a truck.” She sticks tongue out. “Aren’t you jealous?”
Bobula lifts head. Smiles. “I have an idea. Let me take you out tomorrow for a nice stake.”
Scene 1: From a small hole drilled in the side of a coffin, three gray wires run, one to a power supply, one to a phone jack, one to a printer. Ticky-tacky keyboard sounds are heard from within.
Creak. Coffin opens.
“Gak. It’s still light out. ****.”
Creak. Coffin closes.
“Sigh.”
***************************
Scene 2: Count Bobula sits at a sushi bar looking bored. He pokes his chopsticks playfully into his date’s neck.
“Bobula, don’t be a pest,” says date. “Don’t you want your toro?” She eyes fish lump greedily, pointing with sticks.
“Fish are such bloodless creatures. They have nothing to offer me.” Bobula rolls his head dramatically for effect, but his date pays no attention.
“Can I have it then? Schlurp.” She scarfs the fish flesh before he can answer and breathes noisily through her nose while chewing. “Don’t be such a ghoul.”
“I hate watching you eat,” Bobula sighs. “And I’m bloody sick of ghoul jokes, too. I want to kill myself.” Despondent, he puts his forehead onto the sushi bar and rolls it back and forth.
“Ha ha, you’re funny,” says date. “You know you can’t do that. It’s whole big process. I can just step in front of a truck.” She sticks tongue out. “Aren’t you jealous?”
Bobula lifts head. Smiles. “I have an idea. Let me take you out tomorrow for a nice stake.”
novella
Active Member
The Obligatory Global-Warming Episode: A Public Broadcasting Special
Scene: The Earth from Space.
Voiceover: As the earth gradually warms terrible things will happen. The polar ice caps will melt, sensitive ecosystems will be disrupted, and—worst of all—the bobbyburns, a geographic anomaly that has remained unmoved since time began—will loosen and begin travel. We can only guess in what direction.
Scientist in white coat pokes at bits of green moss. “What we are seeing here, Alan, is only the beginning.”
Alan Alda: “The beginning of what? How will this affect regular people, Dr. Pertinent? I mean, say I’m just a TV actor but I play a curious pain in the ass on TV, what’s the net effect on my life? What should I look for?”
Dr. P. “That’s the funny thing, Alan. We just don’t know yet. This mossy substance is only the first indication.”
Charlie Rose: “So what you’re saying is, this could happen any day?”
Dr. P.: “NO! Weren’t you listening, Charlie? Don’t you ever listen? How did you get on TV anyway? I mean, at least Alan here used to be funny.”
Cut to natural setting.
David Attenborough, whispering: “I have been sitting quietly behind this fern for 27 days, waiting for the bobbyburns to move. It’s really quite comfortable. I have a little camp bed and some saltines and a small tin of drinking chocolate. I really don’t need anything else.”
Cut to fake office setting.
Bill Moyers: “Do you believe in Gawd? Does anyone believe in Gawd?”
Cut to lab.
Alan Alda, with his most serious face: “There’s so much we just don’t know. Is our deodorant working? What’s point of Sicilian pizza?”
View from space.
Voiceover: And as the world gets hot hot hot and the beat goes on, the bobbyburns lies in wait, not unlike a waiting thing that we know very little about.
Fade out to space.
Postscript: Have I completely lost my mind? No, this is all true. I swear. I'm just writing down my true life experiences for others to learns from.
Post-postcript: For anyone unfamiliar with Alan Alda, Charlie Rose, or Bill Moyers, count yourself lucky. They are merely pawns in this drama, not to be sought out for entertainment.
Scene: The Earth from Space.
Voiceover: As the earth gradually warms terrible things will happen. The polar ice caps will melt, sensitive ecosystems will be disrupted, and—worst of all—the bobbyburns, a geographic anomaly that has remained unmoved since time began—will loosen and begin travel. We can only guess in what direction.
Scientist in white coat pokes at bits of green moss. “What we are seeing here, Alan, is only the beginning.”
Alan Alda: “The beginning of what? How will this affect regular people, Dr. Pertinent? I mean, say I’m just a TV actor but I play a curious pain in the ass on TV, what’s the net effect on my life? What should I look for?”
Dr. P. “That’s the funny thing, Alan. We just don’t know yet. This mossy substance is only the first indication.”
Charlie Rose: “So what you’re saying is, this could happen any day?”
Dr. P.: “NO! Weren’t you listening, Charlie? Don’t you ever listen? How did you get on TV anyway? I mean, at least Alan here used to be funny.”
Cut to natural setting.
David Attenborough, whispering: “I have been sitting quietly behind this fern for 27 days, waiting for the bobbyburns to move. It’s really quite comfortable. I have a little camp bed and some saltines and a small tin of drinking chocolate. I really don’t need anything else.”
Cut to fake office setting.
Bill Moyers: “Do you believe in Gawd? Does anyone believe in Gawd?”
Cut to lab.
Alan Alda, with his most serious face: “There’s so much we just don’t know. Is our deodorant working? What’s point of Sicilian pizza?”
View from space.
Voiceover: And as the world gets hot hot hot and the beat goes on, the bobbyburns lies in wait, not unlike a waiting thing that we know very little about.
Fade out to space.
Postscript: Have I completely lost my mind? No, this is all true. I swear. I'm just writing down my true life experiences for others to learns from.
Post-postcript: For anyone unfamiliar with Alan Alda, Charlie Rose, or Bill Moyers, count yourself lucky. They are merely pawns in this drama, not to be sought out for entertainment.
novella
Active Member
Halloween is almost here
Hey bobbyburns, take that mask off. And that mask. And that mask. And that mask. And that mask. And that mask. And that one. And that one. Grrrr. Why did you Scotch-tape this one on? Urgh. Sheesh, I bet he's no bigger than a walnut under all that. schripppp. Oh my . . . .gaw . . . .
AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (bicycles away quickly)
Hey bobbyburns, take that mask off. And that mask. And that mask. And that mask. And that mask. And that mask. And that one. And that one. Grrrr. Why did you Scotch-tape this one on? Urgh. Sheesh, I bet he's no bigger than a walnut under all that. schripppp. Oh my . . . .gaw . . . .
AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (bicycles away quickly)
bobbyburns
New Member
do you like my halloween costume?
novella
Active Member
Tricker Treat: A bobbyburns Halloween special
With apologies to Harper Lee.
Tricker Treat
“Go on up there an ring the bell.”
“But Jeth, I’s scared. I don’t wanna get ate by boo burns.”
“He ain’t gonna eat you, Spout. He only stabs folks. Git yer ass up there an git me some candy.”
“But Abacus said . . .”
“**** Abacus. He’s a dang lawyer, for chrissakes. You gonna listen ta him? ‘Sides, I’ll whip your butt if you don’t go ring that bell.”
“Okay. But I git ten percent.”
Wearing a giant ham costume, Spout Flinch walks slowly up the spooky stairs to the spooky porch. Bangs on spooky door.
BANG BANG BANG.
"WHAT!?”
“TRICKER TREAT!!!”
Door slowly opens. Creeeeak. A very large green Clyde Puma comes into view next to the door. A voice is heard from the darkness above. “Yo.”
“TRICKER TREAT!!”
From within a voice calls, “Hey boo, who is it?”
“It’s a little dude dressed like a fuckin ham.”
“I ain’t a dude. I’m a girl.”
“Well, whaddya know. Is it Thanksgiving already?”
“It’s Halloween! I gotta git some candy for my brother Jeth or he's gonna kick my ass. TRICKER TREAT!!”
“Hey, quit that. I heard you already."
"Yer supposed ta go git me some candy."
"Well, I ain’t got any candy. I got part of a cheese danish. Want that?"
"I guess."
"C’mon in an I'll find it.” Boo opens the door to admit the ham.
Spout enters the house and looks around. “Well, dang, Walter Cunningham, what the Sam Hill are you doing in boo burns’ house?"
"What’s up, Spout? You look like a fool in that ham thing."
“Shut up. Where’s yer ketchup?” She turns to Boo. “He puts ketchup on everything. Probably put some on a cheese danish if you let him. Where is that danish anyway?”
“Chill, kid. We’re rehearsing. You’ll get yer pastry all in good time.:” Boo burns picks up his guitar. “Walter here's my new drummer. This is a little number I wrote called Clearasil.” Starts to play opening riff.
“A.C.N.E., why don’t you get offa me.
A.C.N.E., why don’t you get offa me.”
“That’s as far as I got.”
“Wow, that's good. I dig that,” Spout says, nodding her ham.
“You like it? I got more. This one’s called Milk Breath.”
“Sour head, sour head
Your breath is what I dread.
Close your mouth, don’t breathe
Or else I’ll get up an leave.
Stick your head in a car wash
Swallow a bottle of mouth wash
Sour head, sour head
Your breath is what I dread.”
“That’s a good one too," she says, nodding. "So what’s your band called?”
“Boo Burns and the Medicine Cabinet. We got, like, a theme. I'm workin' on another tune called Dental Floss.”
“I like it. Wish I could stick around an listen some more, but I gotta git some snacks now or Jeth’s gonna nail my head to the floor.”
“No he ain’t, cause I’ll just stab him.” Boo laughs amiably.
"Really? You would?" says Spout, settling down on the couch.
To be continued.
bobbyburns' costume:
With apologies to Harper Lee.
Tricker Treat
“Go on up there an ring the bell.”
“But Jeth, I’s scared. I don’t wanna get ate by boo burns.”
“He ain’t gonna eat you, Spout. He only stabs folks. Git yer ass up there an git me some candy.”
“But Abacus said . . .”
“**** Abacus. He’s a dang lawyer, for chrissakes. You gonna listen ta him? ‘Sides, I’ll whip your butt if you don’t go ring that bell.”
“Okay. But I git ten percent.”
Wearing a giant ham costume, Spout Flinch walks slowly up the spooky stairs to the spooky porch. Bangs on spooky door.
BANG BANG BANG.
"WHAT!?”
“TRICKER TREAT!!!”
Door slowly opens. Creeeeak. A very large green Clyde Puma comes into view next to the door. A voice is heard from the darkness above. “Yo.”
“TRICKER TREAT!!”
From within a voice calls, “Hey boo, who is it?”
“It’s a little dude dressed like a fuckin ham.”
“I ain’t a dude. I’m a girl.”
“Well, whaddya know. Is it Thanksgiving already?”
“It’s Halloween! I gotta git some candy for my brother Jeth or he's gonna kick my ass. TRICKER TREAT!!”
“Hey, quit that. I heard you already."
"Yer supposed ta go git me some candy."
"Well, I ain’t got any candy. I got part of a cheese danish. Want that?"
"I guess."
"C’mon in an I'll find it.” Boo opens the door to admit the ham.
Spout enters the house and looks around. “Well, dang, Walter Cunningham, what the Sam Hill are you doing in boo burns’ house?"
"What’s up, Spout? You look like a fool in that ham thing."
“Shut up. Where’s yer ketchup?” She turns to Boo. “He puts ketchup on everything. Probably put some on a cheese danish if you let him. Where is that danish anyway?”
“Chill, kid. We’re rehearsing. You’ll get yer pastry all in good time.:” Boo burns picks up his guitar. “Walter here's my new drummer. This is a little number I wrote called Clearasil.” Starts to play opening riff.
“A.C.N.E., why don’t you get offa me.
A.C.N.E., why don’t you get offa me.”
“That’s as far as I got.”
“Wow, that's good. I dig that,” Spout says, nodding her ham.
“You like it? I got more. This one’s called Milk Breath.”
“Sour head, sour head
Your breath is what I dread.
Close your mouth, don’t breathe
Or else I’ll get up an leave.
Stick your head in a car wash
Swallow a bottle of mouth wash
Sour head, sour head
Your breath is what I dread.”
“That’s a good one too," she says, nodding. "So what’s your band called?”
“Boo Burns and the Medicine Cabinet. We got, like, a theme. I'm workin' on another tune called Dental Floss.”
“I like it. Wish I could stick around an listen some more, but I gotta git some snacks now or Jeth’s gonna nail my head to the floor.”
“No he ain’t, cause I’ll just stab him.” Boo laughs amiably.
"Really? You would?" says Spout, settling down on the couch.
To be continued.
bobbyburns' costume:
bobbyburns
New Member
you're nails on a chalkboard.
novella
Active Member
bobbyburns, episode 97: At the Headshrinker
Let’s sit in on a session . . .
“Doctor, what does it tell you if I lie on this couch or if I sit upright?”
“That you are insecure for asking. Isn’t that obvious?”
“Never mind. Okay, so where was I? Oh, yeah. I don’t know why, but I was wondering what would happen if I put some Bazooka in the microwave on full power, so I went ahead and did that, and it made a huge mess. I was hoping for something more interesting, like a big bubble or something. It just kind of melted all over everthing and turned a weird color.”
“Hmmm. I see. What else has been going on?”
“Well, I was thinking. One of my main goals is to own the little Mothra fairies, to keep them in a cage and feed them Cool Whip. You know those little singing twin girls that ride around on Mothra, the giant moth from Japan that never really makes friends with Godzilla? I would think they would get along. Anyway, the real thing about that movie isn’t Mothra, it’s the fairies. I had a dream where I owned them and they sang all day, little wordless songs from outer space, sort of like twin mini Bjorks, except Japanese. I was so happy. So I’m thinking if I could get hold of some little creatures like that, it would be nice.”
“Tell me about your childhood, bobby. Were you happy then?”
“Once, yeah. I remember I was really happy when I collected a whole jar full of cicadas and I was in charge of them. I was their king and leader. I would let each one out every day, just once, on a little thread leash, and let it fly around my head, then I would put it back. They were happy to go for a little spin, I think. I gave them some peanut butter, but they weren’t that hungry. I tried to name them, but they all looked the same, so I wound up calling them all Galosho. And then they died. I think they have short lifespan.”
“Well, time’s up for today, bobby.”
“Okay, Doc. I feel good. Ready to tackle stuff, you know? So, see you Tuesday, right?”
“Yes, bobby. Good-bye.”
Click.
Let’s sit in on a session . . .
“Doctor, what does it tell you if I lie on this couch or if I sit upright?”
“That you are insecure for asking. Isn’t that obvious?”
“Never mind. Okay, so where was I? Oh, yeah. I don’t know why, but I was wondering what would happen if I put some Bazooka in the microwave on full power, so I went ahead and did that, and it made a huge mess. I was hoping for something more interesting, like a big bubble or something. It just kind of melted all over everthing and turned a weird color.”
“Hmmm. I see. What else has been going on?”
“Well, I was thinking. One of my main goals is to own the little Mothra fairies, to keep them in a cage and feed them Cool Whip. You know those little singing twin girls that ride around on Mothra, the giant moth from Japan that never really makes friends with Godzilla? I would think they would get along. Anyway, the real thing about that movie isn’t Mothra, it’s the fairies. I had a dream where I owned them and they sang all day, little wordless songs from outer space, sort of like twin mini Bjorks, except Japanese. I was so happy. So I’m thinking if I could get hold of some little creatures like that, it would be nice.”
“Tell me about your childhood, bobby. Were you happy then?”
“Once, yeah. I remember I was really happy when I collected a whole jar full of cicadas and I was in charge of them. I was their king and leader. I would let each one out every day, just once, on a little thread leash, and let it fly around my head, then I would put it back. They were happy to go for a little spin, I think. I gave them some peanut butter, but they weren’t that hungry. I tried to name them, but they all looked the same, so I wound up calling them all Galosho. And then they died. I think they have short lifespan.”
“Well, time’s up for today, bobby.”
“Okay, Doc. I feel good. Ready to tackle stuff, you know? So, see you Tuesday, right?”
“Yes, bobby. Good-bye.”
Click.
novella
Active Member
somewhat said:
Did you ever sit down to watch television and flip around the channels and everything looks the same and there's nothing on? You can either watch Tom Cruise getting interviewed by a sycophantic moron, Tom Cruise flying a plane, Tom Cruise's ex-wife dissing him, Tom Cruise playing poker, Tom Cruise trying to get over on a chick, friends of Tom Cruise saying he's great to work with, Tom Cruise in the future, Tom Cruise Hair Gel, Tom Cruise muffins, Tom Cruise in Ireland farming potatoes, Tom Cruise in a naughty comic strip, Tom Cruise-based toys, Tom Cruise's mother . . .
It's sort of like that, but self-imposed and starring our own bobbyburns, with assorted guest stars. He's very versatile.
bobbyburns
New Member
I'm also non-existent, apparently.
bobbyburns
New Member
washing machine. 'up
warm_enema
New Member
Hasn't this gone on long enough? The bobbyburns needs sleep too, despite what the package may have said.
bobbyburns
New Member
then I won't have to cut myself and burn holes in my arms with cigarettes ...
novella
Active Member
Don't Forget to Vote for bobbyburns today!!
bobbyburns can't come to the phone right now. He's resting his littled pointed head, taking a well-deserved nap, which is what we want from our leaders. Peace and quiet.
We need a guy who's done a bunch of things.
So, don't forget to stab the paper, flip the switch, write the ticket, touch the screen, check the chad, litigate, verify, sign on the line, and DO get a receipt. Lazy folks will be carried to the polls by bobbyburns in his new rickshaw.
Free donuts for two-time voters! See us offline about our new cash rebate program, sponsored nationwide by Pimples Fried Chicken "the sedentary edible chicken, killed just for you."
Thinks to self: now I will have my puppet king!!!! ya ha ha ha ha.
bobbyburns can't come to the phone right now. He's resting his littled pointed head, taking a well-deserved nap, which is what we want from our leaders. Peace and quiet.
We need a guy who's done a bunch of things.
So, don't forget to stab the paper, flip the switch, write the ticket, touch the screen, check the chad, litigate, verify, sign on the line, and DO get a receipt. Lazy folks will be carried to the polls by bobbyburns in his new rickshaw.
Free donuts for two-time voters! See us offline about our new cash rebate program, sponsored nationwide by Pimples Fried Chicken "the sedentary edible chicken, killed just for you."
Thinks to self: now I will have my puppet king!!!! ya ha ha ha ha.
bobbyburns
New Member
hey novella, have you ever seen a cactus drown?
lahondas
New Member
so bobby hows your doll doing?
www.realdoll.com/
www.realdoll.com/
bobbyburns
New Member
I'm telling.