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1002 Things To Do With a bobbyburns
- Thread starter novella
- Start date
novella
Active Member
“Seventh inning, 3-3 Mets.”
“That’s right, Tim. Here we have Sogimofo Sorotiti stepping up to the plate.”
“Why’s he scratching his ass, Fred? That something we should look for?”
“Yeah, Tim. He does that. It’s a good luck thing. Rally ass-scratch.”
“Well, the Mets do need this hit, Fred. If scratching the old ass works, deploy, right?”
“That’s right, Tim. Tom Seaver was a big ass scratcher, and it worked for him.”
“What’s Sogi doing now? Is that spit?”
“Yeah, Tim. Mofo likes to wet down the bobbyburns with spit before he takes his first swing. The ump checked it once, and that was it. I guess he figured, hey, I ain’t checking that thing again. Wouldn’t catch me checking it.”
“Okay, so now it’s all wet. Let’s go. Pounder takes the sign. Here’s the pitch. Low and outside. Whiff. Okay, Sogi looks pretty ticked. What’s he doing, cursing at the bobby?”
“Yeah, he’s got this special bobbyburns he likes to yell at. Says it works.”
“Okay. Pounder shakes it off. Takes the sign. Here’s the second pitch. High and inside. Whiff. Clocking 92 on that Fred. 0 and 2. Looks bad for the Sog.”
“Not a worry. He’s a clinch man. Can’t psyche that dude out after a good ass scratch. Here’s the pitch. POW!! Lookit that rocket! Gone . . . goodbye.”
“Lookit, Fred, Sog’s huggin the bobbyburns. He’s kissing it.”
“Okay, so what was that combo? Scratch, spit, yell, hug, kiss, once around the bases, hit the bag. Sounds like Mrs. Tim. Hehehe.”
“That’s right, Tim. Here we have Sogimofo Sorotiti stepping up to the plate.”
“Why’s he scratching his ass, Fred? That something we should look for?”
“Yeah, Tim. He does that. It’s a good luck thing. Rally ass-scratch.”
“Well, the Mets do need this hit, Fred. If scratching the old ass works, deploy, right?”
“That’s right, Tim. Tom Seaver was a big ass scratcher, and it worked for him.”
“What’s Sogi doing now? Is that spit?”
“Yeah, Tim. Mofo likes to wet down the bobbyburns with spit before he takes his first swing. The ump checked it once, and that was it. I guess he figured, hey, I ain’t checking that thing again. Wouldn’t catch me checking it.”
“Okay, so now it’s all wet. Let’s go. Pounder takes the sign. Here’s the pitch. Low and outside. Whiff. Okay, Sogi looks pretty ticked. What’s he doing, cursing at the bobby?”
“Yeah, he’s got this special bobbyburns he likes to yell at. Says it works.”
“Okay. Pounder shakes it off. Takes the sign. Here’s the second pitch. High and inside. Whiff. Clocking 92 on that Fred. 0 and 2. Looks bad for the Sog.”
“Not a worry. He’s a clinch man. Can’t psyche that dude out after a good ass scratch. Here’s the pitch. POW!! Lookit that rocket! Gone . . . goodbye.”
“Lookit, Fred, Sog’s huggin the bobbyburns. He’s kissing it.”
“Okay, so what was that combo? Scratch, spit, yell, hug, kiss, once around the bases, hit the bag. Sounds like Mrs. Tim. Hehehe.”
bobbyburns
New Member
for my birthday I want ladybug stickers.
novella
Active Member
Art 101
"Okay, class, I want you to look at the bobbyburns. Don't just look at it, become it. Be the bobbyburns. What do you feel? Do you feel crispy and toasted? Is your nose slightly itchy? Feel the macaroni knees. Are your extremities strangely electric? Now use that feeling, translate it into your piece.
Mr. Snarbrazen, that is not what I meant! Put that away. You know very well that we have boundaries here."
"Okay, class, I want you to look at the bobbyburns. Don't just look at it, become it. Be the bobbyburns. What do you feel? Do you feel crispy and toasted? Is your nose slightly itchy? Feel the macaroni knees. Are your extremities strangely electric? Now use that feeling, translate it into your piece.
Mr. Snarbrazen, that is not what I meant! Put that away. You know very well that we have boundaries here."
novella
Active Member
monologue on power
“I want to be in charge. I want to be a control freak, telling everyone what to do, right? I want to say, hey, what are YOU looking at, I’m the boss, get in line, okay? So that’s why I spent 300 bubingas on this friggin bobbyburns. The guy said, yeah, this is going to do it for you, you’re gonna be in charge now. So I shelled out the dough, 300 big ones, and what happened? A big fat nothing. I mean, I am still NOT in charge, with a capital N. So now I just have no money and I’m stuck with this EMBLEM.
“When I find that rat bastard who sold me this thing, I’m going to punch him in the nose and turn his pockets inside out and ask for my dough back. It was just a big rip-off. Wait till he sees me walking towards him like trouble with a capital T, he’s going to sweat in his pits right there. So I'm on the lookout for him.
“And then I’m walking along and I see the same dang bobbyburns in a window for 29 clams. I’m like about to punch the window and steal it, just so I could have two. But why would I want two if one doesn’t work, right? So I didn’t do that. I’m not that stupid.”
“I want to be in charge. I want to be a control freak, telling everyone what to do, right? I want to say, hey, what are YOU looking at, I’m the boss, get in line, okay? So that’s why I spent 300 bubingas on this friggin bobbyburns. The guy said, yeah, this is going to do it for you, you’re gonna be in charge now. So I shelled out the dough, 300 big ones, and what happened? A big fat nothing. I mean, I am still NOT in charge, with a capital N. So now I just have no money and I’m stuck with this EMBLEM.
“When I find that rat bastard who sold me this thing, I’m going to punch him in the nose and turn his pockets inside out and ask for my dough back. It was just a big rip-off. Wait till he sees me walking towards him like trouble with a capital T, he’s going to sweat in his pits right there. So I'm on the lookout for him.
“And then I’m walking along and I see the same dang bobbyburns in a window for 29 clams. I’m like about to punch the window and steal it, just so I could have two. But why would I want two if one doesn’t work, right? So I didn’t do that. I’m not that stupid.”
bobbyburns
New Member
I was forged by a god and foretold by a wizard.
bobbyburns
New Member
so suck that shit.
bobbyburns
New Member
don't **** with my thread.
novella
Active Member
Doctors Get Over, episode 50,789: Can This bobbyburns Be Saved?
“Scalpel.”
“Scalpel”
“Skin peeler.”
“Skin Peeler.”
“Head saw.”
“Head saw.”
“Say, Nurse Novella, could you lean over this thing?”
“Yes Doctor Firmly.”
“Nice tits. I mean, what do you make of that?”
“Humbly, sir, it looks like he’s got a fartuation of the nordicular cerebellum.”
“That’s right, hon. He’s mad.”
“Hmmm.”
“I think I can save this bobbyburns. If I can just sever that little disgusting looking nobbly bit.”
“Oh, Doctor Firmly!”
“I’m going in. Give a kiss?” SMOOOOCH.
Ten minutes later.
SNIP! “Got it! He’ll never be able to drive a semi without humping the little Toyota in front of him, but I think he’ll live.”
“Oh, Doctor Firmly!”
"Okay, put that head back together while I wash up."
"Yes, Doctor Firmly." Aside. "Now where'd I put that duct tape?"
Firmly returns, fully groomed.
“Lunch, Nurseygirl? I could just murder a big plate of liver and a plateau of fruiti de mare. Maybe a nice Chablis. Nookie for dessert.”
"Oh yes, Doctor Firmly. Let me just secure this section of skull and I'll be ready in a jiff."
Stay tuned until next time . . . . while Doctors Get Over.
“Scalpel.”
“Scalpel”
“Skin peeler.”
“Skin Peeler.”
“Head saw.”
“Head saw.”
“Say, Nurse Novella, could you lean over this thing?”
“Yes Doctor Firmly.”
“Nice tits. I mean, what do you make of that?”
“Humbly, sir, it looks like he’s got a fartuation of the nordicular cerebellum.”
“That’s right, hon. He’s mad.”
“Hmmm.”
“I think I can save this bobbyburns. If I can just sever that little disgusting looking nobbly bit.”
“Oh, Doctor Firmly!”
“I’m going in. Give a kiss?” SMOOOOCH.
Ten minutes later.
SNIP! “Got it! He’ll never be able to drive a semi without humping the little Toyota in front of him, but I think he’ll live.”
“Oh, Doctor Firmly!”
"Okay, put that head back together while I wash up."
"Yes, Doctor Firmly." Aside. "Now where'd I put that duct tape?"
Firmly returns, fully groomed.
“Lunch, Nurseygirl? I could just murder a big plate of liver and a plateau of fruiti de mare. Maybe a nice Chablis. Nookie for dessert.”
"Oh yes, Doctor Firmly. Let me just secure this section of skull and I'll be ready in a jiff."
Stay tuned until next time . . . . while Doctors Get Over.
novella
Active Member
commercial message
Do you have a really fat stomach from eating?
Is eating your second-favorite hobby, after teaching dogs to talk?
Are parts of you larger and softer than you want them to be?
Try New Lo-Carb bobbyburns!! Get Sexilated! Get Slimified!
You can eat all the bobbyburns you want and not gain an ounce!
Yes, it’s true. The secret? It makes you feel sick, so you will never overeat again!
All natural ingredients: meat, bile, all natural fibers (tweed, cotton, black socks, hair), green alien blood, protoplasmic cytocells for self-replication, turmeric, natural bobbyburns extract.
Do you have a really fat stomach from eating?
Is eating your second-favorite hobby, after teaching dogs to talk?
Are parts of you larger and softer than you want them to be?
Try New Lo-Carb bobbyburns!! Get Sexilated! Get Slimified!
You can eat all the bobbyburns you want and not gain an ounce!
Yes, it’s true. The secret? It makes you feel sick, so you will never overeat again!
All natural ingredients: meat, bile, all natural fibers (tweed, cotton, black socks, hair), green alien blood, protoplasmic cytocells for self-replication, turmeric, natural bobbyburns extract.
novella
Active Member
Conversation
“What are you doing, idiot?”
“Uh, you know, just throwing this bobbyburns on the tracks, for, you know, for fun.”
“That doesn’t work.”
“Yes it does.”
“No way. It just gets bent and bounces off. It’s lame.”
“I’m doing it anyway.”
“So, once I stepped on the third rail.”
“What happened?”
“My sneaker melted like a mozzarella ball. It was awesome.”
“Liar.”
“Not.”
“So, once I put a fork in my mouth and stuck it in an electrical outlet.”
“You know what. I believe you. Cause you’re an idiot.”
“What are you doing, idiot?”
“Uh, you know, just throwing this bobbyburns on the tracks, for, you know, for fun.”
“That doesn’t work.”
“Yes it does.”
“No way. It just gets bent and bounces off. It’s lame.”
“I’m doing it anyway.”
“So, once I stepped on the third rail.”
“What happened?”
“My sneaker melted like a mozzarella ball. It was awesome.”
“Liar.”
“Not.”
“So, once I put a fork in my mouth and stuck it in an electrical outlet.”
“You know what. I believe you. Cause you’re an idiot.”
novella
Active Member
excerpts from The bobbyburns Dictionary
behemoth: n. a really big scary bobbyburns
gewgaw : n. a pocketsized, decorative bobbyburns
natty: adj. foppish as a bobbyburns
parsnip: n. a long, white fleshy bobbyburns that grows underground.
proclivity: n. the angle at which a bobbyburns leans against a bar.
raucous: adj. loud as a bobbyburns courting a goose in springtime
behemoth: n. a really big scary bobbyburns
gewgaw : n. a pocketsized, decorative bobbyburns
natty: adj. foppish as a bobbyburns
parsnip: n. a long, white fleshy bobbyburns that grows underground.
proclivity: n. the angle at which a bobbyburns leans against a bar.
raucous: adj. loud as a bobbyburns courting a goose in springtime
novella
Active Member
Recent anthropological finds
Just posthumping around this morning after returning from an extensive research excursion to Hokkaido, educating myself in the ancient bobbyburns crafts of the Ainu people.
Among the exciting finds
--an ash-coated yak’s milk cheese pressed with the head of a bobbyburns, which bears a faint facial impression that is said to scare evil cheesestealers away from the sacred cheese hoard.
--tooled boar-skin sandals trimmed with gilded shrimp shells, lacquered chicken feet, and bobbyburns tufts. An LED emits a soft blue light from a wooden horn protruding from the 8-inch high wooden platform sole, giving the illusion of a powerful and mysterious big toe.
--a cottage industry of carvers who hew tiny bobbyburns effigies from rare 1000-year teak. These are burnt at the altars honoring ancestors who ate right, were moderate in their use of intoxicants, and cared about education.
Just posthumping around this morning after returning from an extensive research excursion to Hokkaido, educating myself in the ancient bobbyburns crafts of the Ainu people.
Among the exciting finds
--an ash-coated yak’s milk cheese pressed with the head of a bobbyburns, which bears a faint facial impression that is said to scare evil cheesestealers away from the sacred cheese hoard.
--tooled boar-skin sandals trimmed with gilded shrimp shells, lacquered chicken feet, and bobbyburns tufts. An LED emits a soft blue light from a wooden horn protruding from the 8-inch high wooden platform sole, giving the illusion of a powerful and mysterious big toe.
--a cottage industry of carvers who hew tiny bobbyburns effigies from rare 1000-year teak. These are burnt at the altars honoring ancestors who ate right, were moderate in their use of intoxicants, and cared about education.
bobbyburns
New Member
you're ridiculous.
and this thread is b-u-n-k: BUNK!
and this thread is b-u-n-k: BUNK!
I just came back from the garden where I was digging out some beautiful snowwhite parsnips. They are gigantic *indicating their size with my hands, holding both hands as far apart as possible*. Now my whole garden is a big mess but these extraordinary bobbyburns will be there for me and keep me company while the mass mayhem out there will slowly subside. 
*grinning proud and stupid all the time*
*grinning proud and stupid all the time*
novella
Active Member
recipe
Bobbyburns Succotash Haggis
Fill the distended earlobe of a bobbyburns with corn niblets and raisins and secure with good butcher’s string. Braise in milk until done. Serve with oatmeal and lima beans.
“What? I don’t wanna eat that!”
“It’s good for you, Harry. It has all the major disgusting-food groups.”
“Can I just have whiskey?”
“At least try the bobber. People live on this stuff over there.”
"Well, give me a really big whiskey and then we'll see."
"Do you think I'm a good cook, Harry? Do you like my cooking?"
"Hmmmm." gulp gulp gulg "That frock is very fetching, m'dear."
"Oh, Harry, the bobber will get cold."
Bobbyburns Succotash Haggis
Fill the distended earlobe of a bobbyburns with corn niblets and raisins and secure with good butcher’s string. Braise in milk until done. Serve with oatmeal and lima beans.
“What? I don’t wanna eat that!”
“It’s good for you, Harry. It has all the major disgusting-food groups.”
“Can I just have whiskey?”
“At least try the bobber. People live on this stuff over there.”
"Well, give me a really big whiskey and then we'll see."
"Do you think I'm a good cook, Harry? Do you like my cooking?"
"Hmmmm." gulp gulp gulg "That frock is very fetching, m'dear."
"Oh, Harry, the bobber will get cold."