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Litany
Active Member
Bad puns are the only ones worth making. For example...
A blonde I know decided to have twelve clones made of herself. When she went to the clinic, she found it was a bleak brick house without any windows. When she asked the Clone Arranger why there were no windows, she was told that people in glass houses shouldn't grow clones.
As the clones were growing up, she found she was never allowed to take them out for a walk, because "you'll never walk a clone".
What disturbed her the most was that every time she would visit them, they all would be yelling at the top of their lungs. When she asked why they yelled so much she was told that this was to be expected as she had ordered a dozen I scream clones.
Three for the price of one. I'm nothing if not a bargain. How's your head doing there, Bill?
A blonde I know decided to have twelve clones made of herself. When she went to the clinic, she found it was a bleak brick house without any windows. When she asked the Clone Arranger why there were no windows, she was told that people in glass houses shouldn't grow clones.
As the clones were growing up, she found she was never allowed to take them out for a walk, because "you'll never walk a clone".
What disturbed her the most was that every time she would visit them, they all would be yelling at the top of their lungs. When she asked why they yelled so much she was told that this was to be expected as she had ordered a dozen I scream clones.
Three for the price of one. I'm nothing if not a bargain. How's your head doing there, Bill?
Litany
Active Member
So Noah is waiting by his ark. Waiting for all the animals that God has promised will squeeze into the boat that he's built. And then he sees them. Great numbers of beasts all converging on where he's standing. So he lowers the gang-plank, and watches as the animals start filing on board, two-by-two. And as they go into the ship, Noah can be heard passing comments on each animal that goes by - "Hmmm... two horses," he says, "they don't taste very nice, but they're edible," and "Ooh! Two sheep. I love roast lamb".
And so it goes on, for each pair of animals, Noah counts going on board, he says something about what they're like to eat. Eventually Noah's son can stand it no longer, and he goes to his mother to ask why.
She answers: "Well, there's Noah counting for taste."
To which the son replies: "Now I've herd everything."
And so it goes on, for each pair of animals, Noah counts going on board, he says something about what they're like to eat. Eventually Noah's son can stand it no longer, and he goes to his mother to ask why.
She answers: "Well, there's Noah counting for taste."
To which the son replies: "Now I've herd everything."
Litany
Active Member
Some of us don't want to be cured.
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!"
"Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"
"You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"
Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."
"...its a ham bush!"
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!"
"Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"
"You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"
Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."
"...its a ham bush!"
Litany
Active Member
The bacon tree joke is my favourite joke of ever. I love terrible puns. The worse they are the better.
Dr. P. Lumb, quite proud of his academic degrees in genetics, physics, and marine biology. For the past several years, he has been working on a potion that eliminates the aging process. Before he tests it on a human subject, he chooses to test it on an animal with the mental capacities closest to a person, and so picks a dolphin. Within a week, he acquired three such animals.
His experiment is halted through many unforeseen conflicts. First, spies from a rival cosmetic company break into the premises, ransack the lab, and attempt to remove the vital vial of vim and vigor from the vault, but failed. The second problem occurred in solving the first. The doctor cheaply invests in a security system, the King of the Jungle, "Dan the Lion". The reason for this feline's discount was due to his very long cat-naps, which were 10 hours long. The doctor plopped the cat in front of the door and kept him there.
Lastly, the dolphins, after several treatments of the solution, communicated that they were having a craving for large sea birds. Lumb, feeling this was not something to be ignored, ventured into the night, captured some seagulls, and returned to the lab.
He opened the door, stepped over Dan, and suddenly the lights were flicked on by gun-totting police officers, brandishing their weapons toward Lumb. He was arrested for..."transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises."
Dr. P. Lumb, quite proud of his academic degrees in genetics, physics, and marine biology. For the past several years, he has been working on a potion that eliminates the aging process. Before he tests it on a human subject, he chooses to test it on an animal with the mental capacities closest to a person, and so picks a dolphin. Within a week, he acquired three such animals.
His experiment is halted through many unforeseen conflicts. First, spies from a rival cosmetic company break into the premises, ransack the lab, and attempt to remove the vital vial of vim and vigor from the vault, but failed. The second problem occurred in solving the first. The doctor cheaply invests in a security system, the King of the Jungle, "Dan the Lion". The reason for this feline's discount was due to his very long cat-naps, which were 10 hours long. The doctor plopped the cat in front of the door and kept him there.
Lastly, the dolphins, after several treatments of the solution, communicated that they were having a craving for large sea birds. Lumb, feeling this was not something to be ignored, ventured into the night, captured some seagulls, and returned to the lab.
He opened the door, stepped over Dan, and suddenly the lights were flicked on by gun-totting police officers, brandishing their weapons toward Lumb. He was arrested for..."transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises."
Litany
Active Member
Up your bum.
Things were getting desperate for the members of the jungle expedition. They had been travelling in ever narrower circles for three days, their supplies were running low and the helpers they hired insisted on returning to their homes. Everyone thought that they would be lost for ever.
Happily, one of the natives offered a solution. He held up for all to see a large jungle insect which looked like some sort of mantis.
"The insect always points North," he said. "I will leave you now but if you follow the pointing insect, you can find your way out without me."
The explorers were happy to follow the insect. Indeed, it maintained a steady heading at first and they seemed to be making progress. Then a day passed. Then another one passed. The huge insect began to twitch and shake ever more erratically.
They knew that they were lost.
"Forget it!" one of them shouted in frustration. "This insect is mad! It's insane I tell you! It points every which way and we're lost. This is hopeless!"
"How can you tell that?" the others asked. "How can the insect be mad?"
"Can't you all see?" he cried...... "It's non-compass-mantis."
Things were getting desperate for the members of the jungle expedition. They had been travelling in ever narrower circles for three days, their supplies were running low and the helpers they hired insisted on returning to their homes. Everyone thought that they would be lost for ever.
Happily, one of the natives offered a solution. He held up for all to see a large jungle insect which looked like some sort of mantis.
"The insect always points North," he said. "I will leave you now but if you follow the pointing insect, you can find your way out without me."
The explorers were happy to follow the insect. Indeed, it maintained a steady heading at first and they seemed to be making progress. Then a day passed. Then another one passed. The huge insect began to twitch and shake ever more erratically.
They knew that they were lost.
"Forget it!" one of them shouted in frustration. "This insect is mad! It's insane I tell you! It points every which way and we're lost. This is hopeless!"
"How can you tell that?" the others asked. "How can the insect be mad?"
"Can't you all see?" he cried...... "It's non-compass-mantis."