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Short Fiction: Anne and her stories

Wabbit

New Member
Short Fiction: Anna and her stories

I present a work of short fiction by me. I picked a very short one because I don't really like the posting over several posts thing :) I hope you like it. It's my child. My gift.


Anna and her stories.


My world is dark with occasional bands of light. My world is the softest murmurs and moans. The wood walls are like aged wine

Sometimes the door would open. It was winter outside. There were green fields and there was mud. They would bring us food and water. Sometimes I would see faces of those that exist in the dark with me, in those moments bathed in the light, but I would try not to look at them too hard.

In the beginning, hands reached out and held firm warm flesh. There was not much talking. Somebody in the far end used to cry constantly but I learned not to hear him. We all did. Sometimes.... And it is very difficult thing to say. And my mother would always tell me. Anna, you know that pride is a sin, don't you? Don’t you know Anna, she would ask while she had her hands resting on the hips. Now, in my memory her hands are always covered in flour. I don’t remember her not baking some treat. As I said, its a difficult thing. And I am too proud. On some nights. I would cry too. But I would not let anybody hear me. Maybe you will find that stupid of me? And how strange I share something so intimate with you who are far in time and in space. And we don’t know each other at all. Or maybe we will meet someday. And I will be embarrassed and you could put your hand on your hips, like mother, and say that I am too full of pride.

I told my stories to the trembling hands in the dark. Because, as I said, there was not much talking. And truth to tell I hated the silence. And I was scared. I have always told the stories. When I was young I used to make up stories. They would be about giants. I loved giants. We lived in the countryside on a farm. It was not a big farm. The land around was full of hills and I believed that giants lived in those hills. I would tell my stories about giants to the other children, to my mother, my father, the cats, dogs, sheep, pigs, cows, horses and anybody that would listen to me.

One day when the town gathered for the elections of the government in the big town hall. I told a story to everybody, and they clapped. I was so happy and proud of myself. Such a sinful child. Did I tell you that they said I was too proud?

I became an old woman, I would tell stories to the grandchildren that flocked around my skirts. They would all come running. Grandma, Grandma, please tell us a story! I would smile and tell them of coarse. I would tell them about the old days because you have to know where you come from to know where you are going. I would tell the children about our people because it’s important to know who you are. And sometimes, I would tell them stories about the giants.

So I talked in the darkness to the warm hands. They listened. Though nobody clapped me, but we all felt better.

I remember the first time the door opened to the winter world and he stood there. Michelangelo could have carved him with his very own hands from the finest, smoothest, whitest of marble stone. He had handsome blue eyes. And he asked me that I was the one that told stories. I was very slow to answer, but I said yes. And what else could I have done? So he asked me to tell him. About the old days. About giants. About everything and he listened. He never said anything but a smile would break out on his lips when I was done and it was time for him to go. He would thank me. Then he would leave. And so it would go.

Now he says soon our time together is at an end. He has asked me to write down my stories for him. And how could I say no? So. And here I am with this fine pen and this luxurious paper in my hand. The paper smells good and is rough between my fingers. It’s strange that I am here. Like a flower, pressed and preserved, between the pages of a book. Here is me. Anna. Preserved between lines and the words. I will always be here.

He says our time now will soon be at an end and I don’t like the thing I see in his eyes. He tells me our destination will soon be reached. His smile has become a facade. A lie. And, I have to wonder if I will tell many more stories now.

I don’t like the feel of the word, our destination, this Auschwitz.


THE END.
 
Predictable. Your use of redundancy is annoying. It lacks the extremes or subtleties of emotion; that in my opinion make a story worth reading.
 
A few spelling mistakes and a bit of incorrect grammar (mainly a sentence that makes no sense)

And he asked me that I was the one that told stories.
Though nobody clapped me, but we all felt better.

And "of coarse" should be "of course".

I have to agree with warm enema in that it lacks emotion. This is, unfortunately, an exercise in telling and not showing which prose should be. The sheer amount of exposition is redundant. Who cares that the town clapped? Who cares about the giants? Nobody, in this context because we are simply told she believed in giants. We need to see her fear of them, feel her spine tingle at their mention. Not just know it happened.

The wood walls are like aged wine.
This isn't very clear. In what way can you liken wood to wine, other than aged? Obviously you mean texture but that's not instantly obviously and, when one has to think about what the writer is trying to say (at the basic level) then it slows and disjoints the narrative.

SillyWabbit said:
I don't agree but thank you for the comment :)

You certainly are a strange one. You post stuff for critique and, when someone takes you up on the offer, you disagree. Open your mind to the possibility that what you've done may not be the best, and critique, no matter how bad or extreme, is always good.
 
warm_enema said:
Thanks for sticking up for me. May I refer to you as Miles?

If you want. I'm Mile-O-Phile, Mile-O, Jell-O, and Miles. :D

I can understand your points but, if posting critique, then you need examples from the work being critiqued to prove your point.
 
Point taken and understood. I'll work on it. I'll go back to yours and give better explanations. (Not in a vengeful way, but with respect; I hope you know that.)
 
I still don't agree :)

You seem to be totally missing the point. It's not me telling the tale. You have to use the right voice for the story. It's the woman telling the tale. The whole work is HER voice. That's why it is the way it is. Some other work by me would be writen in a totally differnt way. Do you see? I don' think you understand :) But nevermind! I don't agree it lacks emotion, not at all. I don't have one style of writing. I can switch and change and write in a hundred styles. This is HER voice. This is Anna's voice. If it seems stilted and strange, well that's the way it is supposed to be. Do you understand?

As for any grammar mistakes! I know my grammar sucks. My grammar is something that I am working to improve on all the time :) Any help with that is always good :)

Regards
SillyWabbit
 
SillyWabbit said:
I still don't agree :)

It's not about whether you agree or not.

You seem to be totally missing the point. It's not me telling the tale. You have to use the right voice for the story. It's the woman telling the tale. The whole work is HER voice. That's why it is the way it is.

I've not missed that at all. She's just boring. :) She has too much to say and expects us to know all about it. I don't warm to her. I don't know anything about her. She tells me things but they are just events. She never says how they actually affected her, shaped her, moulded her.

I don't agree it lacks emotion, not at all. I don't have one style of writing.

It does. Exposition destroys any chance of identifying. She just 'tells it as it is' without any opinion on why.

If it seems stilted and strange, well that's the way it is supposed to be.

Work on it. :D
 
SillyWabbit said:
Sometimes I would see faces of those that exist in the dark with me, in those moments bathed in the light, but I would try not to look at them too hard.

This is supposed to be sad and portray a sense of loneliness or alienation. Why and how does she feel this way. What are we (the reader) suppose to feel for her?

And how strange I share something so intimate with you who are far in time and in space. And we don’t know each other at all. Or maybe we will meet someday. And I will be embarrassed and you could put your hand on your hips, like mother, and say that I am too full of pride.
I like this.

I loved giants.
Why?


One day when the town gathered for the elections of the government in the big town hall. I told a story to everybody, and they clapped. I was so happy and proud of myself. Such a sinful child.
Why were you proud? Why were you a sinful child and how did that make you feel?

I became an old woman, I would tell stories to the grandchildren that flocked around my skirts. They would all come running. Grandma, Grandma, please tell us a story! I would smile and tell them of coarse. I would tell them about the old days because you have to know where you come from to know where you are going. I would tell the children about our people because it’s important to know who you are. And sometimes, I would tell them stories about the giants.

Why is it important to know who you are? Kill the giants already or give us more infromation. They are just fluff.

That's enough for now. I'll come back to it later. Do you get my point so far?

You created her, therefore her voice is your voice.
 
SillyWabbit said:
My world is dark with occasional bands of light. My world is the softest murmurs and moans. The wood walls are like aged wine.

Sometimes the door would open. It was winter outside. There were green fields and there was mud. They would bring us food and water. Sometimes I would see faces of those that exist in the dark with me, in those moments bathed in the light, but I would try not to look at them too hard.

In the beginning...

In the beginning is a line so associated with the start of all things that it seems silly that it should be the stat of the third paragraph. The previous two paragraphs mean nothing. They are just cryptic nonsense that can be struck from the story. In the beginning is the start of the story.

In the beginning, hands reached out and held firm warm flesh. There was not much talking. Somebody in the far end used to cry constantly but I learned not to hear him. We all did.

It's just a further collection of cryptic vagueries. Why were hands reaching out? Why wasn't there much talking? What were they crying for? Why didn't she listen to his cries? Was she not a charitable person, were they nonsense, or were they too affecting?

As I said, its a difficult thing. And I am too proud. On some nights. I would cry too. But I would not let anybody hear me.

Bad grammar overdrive. :D

I told my stories to the trembling hands in the dark. Because, as I said, there was not much talking. And truth to tell I hated the silence. And I was scared. I have always told the stories. When I was young I used to make up stories. They would be about giants. I loved giants.

Why tell the stories? Do they need comforting? Do they yearn for fiction? The repetition of stories and giants is really annoying. The short sentences don't parallel with the story's tone - it seems nostalgic (which should be slow, lazy sentences) but it's actually written in short, sharp sets of words like an action novel.

We lived in the countryside on a farm. It was not a big farm. The land around was full of hills and I believed that giants lived in those hills. I would tell my stories about giants to the other children, to my mother, my father, the cats, dogs, sheep, pigs, cows, horses and anybody that would listen to me.

What was the motivation to tell stories? What drove her to do this?

One day when the town gathered for the elections of the government in the big town hall. I told a story to everybody, and they clapped. I was so happy and proud of myself. Such a sinful child. Did I tell you that they said I was too proud?

Repetition of proud. :mad: Why were they clapping? Out of politeness? Respect?

I became an old woman

Just like that? No years passing in between?


Now he says soon our time together is at an end. He has asked me to write down my stories for him. And how could I say no? So. And here I am with this fine pen and this luxurious paper in my hand. The paper smells good and is rough between my fingers. It’s strange that I am here. Like a flower, pressed and preserved, between the pages of a book. Here is me. Anna. Preserved between lines and the words. I will always be here.

He says our time now will soon be at an end and I don’t like the thing I see in his eyes. He tells me our destination will soon be reached.

Look at the first sentence of that quote. Then look at the second paragraph's first sentence. Now, look at the second sentence of the second paragraph. They are all the same.


The only character I can glean from that is the mother. The rest - including the narrator - don't do anything.
 
I think a few people are looking into this a bit too deeply, I thought it was quite dull and didnt really grab me, but dont for one second think that I am an expert on the subject matter, I dont wish to give any other reason as to why I didnt like it other than personal preference, so keep on writing Silly Wabbit and dont let us lot get you down, just being honest mate.
 
It's ok and thanks for the comment :) It does not get me down :) I don't write for people to say WOW your stuff is great!!! I write because I love to write. I write because I have stories to tell and things to express. I write because I enjoy it :) If people don't like it's ok :) I REALLY don't care one tiny bit. I LIKE it and that's what is important. If somebody else likes the story then that is wonderful because I gave them a gift :)

Mile-0! I am starting to wonder if my name is Dan Brown! Like with Dan Brown... YOU personally don't like it won't make it bad. OK, you don't like it. I get that. Fine. It's ok. Move one please :)

I don't agree with any of your points, apart from grammar. Yes, I know my grammar is bad and I am trying to fix that. Apart from that I still think you totally miss the point and I can't be arse to explaine it :) I don't care! You enjoy it or your don't, move on :) I like the story and think there is nothing wrong with it. I think that you just don't understand it at all, but thats OK :)

Now... I am going to see Dan Brown and have a good cry! :D

Regards
SillyWabbit
 
I DJ with my twin brother (hence the name), and to be honest I dont really care if the crowd / listeners are into what we play as long as we enjoy it and its creative, I think the same can be said for writing. Keep on pushing my friend. :p
 
Thanks a lot :)

I think you understand from what you say. You play because the music calls you. Some people will never understand. Yes, they can learn the rules of grammar, learn to play, learn to paint but they will NEVER be any good because they don't FEEL it in the heart and soul. Their blood does not BURN with it. Like I said, I think you know what I am talking about, right? :)

You keep on playing too! Keep on feeling the music. Even if 100 people don't get it or feel it. IF there is just one person out there. You touch them. Move them. Then it's all worth it. If you enjoy it and feel it and it makes your heart pound and your blood run through your viens singing joyful songs, then it's worth it.

Keep playing my friend, and living the music!

And.. thanks again for the comments. :)

Regards
SillyWabbit
 
SillyWabbit said:
It's ok and thanks for the comment :) It does not get me down :) I don't write for people to say WOW your stuff is great!!! I write because I love to write. I write because I have stories to tell and things to express. I write because I enjoy it :) If people don't like it's ok :) I REALLY don't care one tiny bit. I LIKE it and that's what is important. If somebody else likes the story then that is wonderful because I gave them a gift :)

That's good.

Mile-0! I am starting to wonder if my name is Dan Brown!

That's getting old.

I don't agree with any of your points, apart from grammar. Yes, I know my grammar is bad and I am trying to fix that. Apart from that I still think you totally miss the point and I can't be arse to explaine it :) I don't care! You enjoy it or your don't, move on :) I like the story and think there is nothing wrong with it. I think that you just don't understand it at all, but thats OK :)

That's a shame. I can see the point. You just aren't expressing anything through the story. Maybe you understand it and, therefore, that's where you are falling down in your own quote that you 'have stories to tell and things to express'. You write because you love to write - that's the sole reason why anyone should write.

Like with Dan Brown... YOU personally don't like it won't make it bad. OK, you don't like it. I get that. Fine. It's ok. Move on please :)

I'm not reading too deeply into this at all. Where did I say that I did not like it? I believe you are reading between lines that are not there. You have posted a piece of work which opens it up for critique. I don't see the point in just posting to say Good work, Wabbit or I don't like it as it does not help the author; while the former is a boost to the author/poet's ego, the other is a deterrent for the weak-willed to continue - both, however, are laziness on the part of the critic.

All I have done is offered opinions on why I don't think the piece works. Areas such as repetition, redundancy, exposition, and even some figures of speech need honed, developed, rewritten, and rethought in order to build a short story that is both engaging and enjoyable. The only thing that I dn't like about it is your stubborness, that is to say, your unwillingness to review your piece independently of who the author is.

This is not an attack; this is critique. :)
 
I know and I don't take it as an attack :) lol

REALLY!!!!

I do review my work. I am my hardest critic! Also, I do take into consideration what you tell me. In this case, I just don't agree with you. It's possible some time that I WILL agree and think you are right... but not now. I like it as it is :)

I know if I post it's open season for people to air views that it is good/bad and that is fine but not why I post. It's good to get somebody telling me it's bad coz it maybe change and improve the work or me as a writer. It's good if somebody says they like. BUT... it's NOT why I post. You may think it silly but I don't care. I post because somebody may like it and I have given them something good. Maybe you can't understand that :)

Regards
SillyWabbit

PS: The Dan Brown thing is not getting old at all :p
 
Cheers Wabbit - I will leave you with a quote from Kenny Dixon Jnr AKA Moodymann, a modern day musical shamen... from Detroit.

"I dont make music for the Small majority, I make music for the vast minority, that actually LISTEN"!!!

Respect to anyone that puts out creative work that isnt fuelled by the three F's, Fame, Fanny and Fortune...!
 
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